Mugabe's hilarious quotes

"Yes, I was dead. It's true I was dead. I resurrected"

"I have died many times. I have actually beaten Jesus Christ because he only died once."

For a long time, even as the Western world and media criticised Zimbabwe's president Robert Mugabe, he remained a hero to many Zimbabweans and Africans until recently.

But due to his clinging onto power and Zimbabwe's devastating economic crisis blamed on him, Comrade Bob has increasingly become a foe to many, with some referring to him as an incompetent tyrant. Bob, has, however, a side of him that is hardly talked about.

On many occasions, Internet jokers have attribute some quotes to Mugabe. They are not only malicious, inciting, mischievous and stupid but also out rightly hilarious.

They are an odd choice of words and crazy comparisons that always leaves many in stitches. The off-the-wall quotable quotes linger on the mind for  long. There are many random hilarious quotes that have been attributed to the octogenarian. Sample the following.

"Treat every part of your towel nicely because the part that wipes your buttocks today will wipe your face tomorrow," "Some women's legs are like rumours, they just keep on spreading." "It's hard to bewitch African girls these days because each time you take a piece from her hair to the witchdoctor, either an innocent Brazilian woman gets mad or a factory in China catches fire." "It's better for a man to be stingy with the money he has hustled for, than for a woman to deny you a hole that she didn't even drill it herself." "Don't fight over girlfriends. This country is full of beautiful women. If you can't get one, come to Mugabe for assistance."

"If you are ugly; you are ugly - stop talking about inner beauty because we don't walk around with X-ray machines to determine such claims." "Dear sister, don't be deceived by a man who text you "I miss you" only when it's raining. You are not an umbrella."

"Check your girlfriend's body, if she has more tattoos or piercings, you can cheat on her. She is already used to pain." "Some of you girls can't even jog for five minutes, but expect a guy to last in bed with you for two hours? Madness! Your level of selfishness demands a one-week salvation crusade."

"God is the best inventor ever. He took a rib from a man and created a loudspeaker!" "If women think having their periods (menstruation) in a whole month is a difficult task, they should ask the men how difficult it is to control an erect (memeber) in public."

"Sometimes you look back at girls you spent money on rather than send it to your mum and you realise witchcraft is real."

When debate on homosexuality hit fever pitch some time back, with US president Barack Obama championing for the rights of gay men, good old ‘Bob' scoffed: "If President Barack Obama wants me to allow marriage for same-sex couples in my country (Zimbabwe), he must come here so that I marry him first."

As if that wasn't enough, he threw in yet another deft claim: "Even Satan wasn't gay, at the Garden of Eden, he chose to approach unclad Eve instead of unclad Adam."

On the numerous rumours about his death, the octogenarian is rumoured to have once quipped: "I have died many times. I have actually beaten Jesus Christ because he only died once".

When Western envoys threatened to slap sanctions on Zimbabwe a while back, a furious ‘Mugabe' is quoted to have hissed: "We don't mind having sanctions banning us from Europe. We are not Europeans, after all".

On the economy comrade Bob was once quoted as having said: "Our economy is a hundred times better than most African countries. Outside South Africa, which other country has a better economy than Zimbabwe? The only thing we lack are good on shelves and money in our pockets - that's it."

When reading Western leaders the riot act in the past, Bob, in a fit of fury, is quoted as having once said: "The only white man you can trust is a dead one". "You come take gold and leave holes in my country, no!"

Controversial Quotes from Mugabe
"The only White man you can trust is a dead white man."

"So, Blair keep your England, and let me keep my Zimbabwe."

"We don't mind having sanctions banning us from Europe. We are not Europeans."

"I've just concluded - since President Obama endorses the same-sex marriage, advocates homosexual people[sic], and enjoys an attractive countenance - thus if it becomes necessary, I shall travel to Washington, D.C., get down on my knee, and ask for his hand."

"[Nelson] Mandela has gone a bit too far in doing good to the non-black communities … That's being too saintly, too good, too much of a saint."

"Even Satan wasn't gay; he chose to approach unclad Eve instead of unclad Adam."

Mugabe told a crowd of media and spectators while visiting Hector Pietersen Memorial in Soweto, "I don't want to see a white face".


Funny Quotes attributed to Mugabe
"The only warning the African takes seriously is low battery."

"Sometimes you look back at girls you spent money on rather than send it to your mum and you realize witchcraft is real"

"If you like school girls, buy a uniform for your wife to wear for you"

"Racism will never end as long as white cars are using black tyres; if people still use Black to symbolize  bad luck and White for peace, if people still wear white clothes at weddings and black clothes at funerals; as long as those who don't pay their bills are blacklisted and not white-listed. But I don't care as long as I am using the white toilet paper to wipe my ass".

"It is hard to bewitch African girls these days. Each time you take a piece from her hair to the witch doctor, either a Brazilian innocent woman gets mad or a factory in China catches fire".

"South Africans will kick down a statue of a White man but won't even attempt to slap a live one. Yet they can stone to death a Black man simply because he is a foreigner".

"Some women's legs are like rumours, they keep on spreading".

"Some girls have never seen the doors of a gym but look physically fit because of running from one man to another".

"And to those of you who do not actually go to church but watch it on TV, you will not actually go to Heaven, but you will be allowed to watch it on TV!"

"You smoke weed and you take some coke. Few minutes after, you hear 'chooboi chooboi' in your head. It's a set up. The moment you answer, "Yei"!, you are mad."

"The only public place Ghanaian ladies can be romantic is around the ATM machine."

"If you are a lady and you don't respect men, you will end up serving jollof at your younger sister's wedding."

"Dear ladies, if your boyfriend did not wish you a happy Mother's day, stop breastfeeding him".

"Whenever things seem to start going well in your life, the Devil comes and gives you a girlfriend".

"I stopped trusting ladies when my class 3 girlfriend left me for another boy all because he bought a sharpener with a mirror".

"When one's goat gets missing, the aroma of a neighbour's soup gets suspicious."

"Treat every part of your towel nicely because the part that wipes your buttocks today may wipe your face tomorrow".