'Hubby impregnated girlfriend'

HIE, there readers. How are you all? I am so excited at all the wedding invitations coming in already. I am literally attending a wedding a month this whole year; how awesome is that. This week, however, I will attempt to answer a very sad situation. The lady wrote: "I am married with a small baby. While I was pregnant, my husband had an affair. He came clean about it, but now I heard that the other lady is pregnant. When I asked him he could not give me a straight answer. All he could say was they are no longer talking. He says he wants to make up for the pain he has caused me. I do not feel like his efforts are enough. I do not know how to live the rest of my life with this girlfriend's child.

And I seem not to be able to forgive him for what he did. I am thinking of a divorce. Is this the right move? What is worse is the girlfriend knew me and even showed up at my house some other day before she was pregnant. I can't forgive them both, it is very difficult for me to do so. I feel like they planned it and I fell victim. Is divorce a good idea or am I just rushing things?"

Sho my dear this is so, so, so very sad. And what makes me so angry is that it has become the order of the day in our nation. Having affairs and sleeping with married men seems to be a fashionable thing in this decade. I get so many letters from hurt wives you have no idea. At one stage a year or so ago, I wanted to start a hurting wives revolution, where wives who were cheated on take revenge on their husbands' mistresses (I was also cheated on several times by my ex before I woke up and realised I am worth more and I am not the problem he is). But blame is not the answer and it solves nothing. So how do we deal with this scourge? I am not too sure.

All I can say is that sometimes if not most times divorce is worse than death. Yes, it is painful now and you probably cannot see the way forward. It is probably so hard for you to wake up each day having to face this man and what he did. The worst thing is the thought that out there is another woman boasting about the baby she has with your husband while you are home struggling to be happy about your new baby.
And how disrespectful is this woman to show her face at your house - what was she thinking?

You know my dear someone once said to me "Once a cheater always a cheater". That may be true for many men who cheat, but there are numerous women out there who can testify of how their cheating husbands changed. But it will take a lot on your part to stay through the mistrust and pain.

The truth is my dear if you choose to stay, it should not be about the kids because there is another woman out there who has kids with the same man and she is going to fight for him too. If you choose to leave him, you will be saying it is better to live alone with your kids, than it is with him and his affairs. Both decisions are painful and have consequences. Yours is difficult because your husband is proving to be untruthful and untrustworthy.

Now he has been caught because his deceit has resulted in a pregnancy. Would he have told you what he was doing if the woman had not fallen pregnant? Would he have stopped if he had not been caught? You see relationships are more than sex, love and communication - there is a major trust issue. If those are broken, the marriage might as will be over.

So my dear, I need you to think back to why you married this man. What has changed that brought him to the place of having an affair and continuing it resulting in a baby? If he was always a cheat – then who are you to complain cause you chose this - sorry but it is true. But if he was a good man but all of a sudden he started straying - you need to find out why?

In my opinion divorce is a serious matter and very few people recover fully from it. It took me over 10 years to recover from my divorce and every now and again I get irritated when I see him and his wife together because I think of how many years I wasted trying to make him happy and now another woman is there enjoying the fruits, while I had to re-do my life again. God has been so good to me though and I am even better than when I was with him - but it took a long time. And you know what the kids always suffer in one way or the other whether you stay or leave.

My dear, there is a price you both need to pay for this marriage to work and for trust to be regained. You need to take time to think and think well. If you stay with him - what happens if he does it again? If you stay with him, you need to get professional or family help to counsel you both through the pain. You also need to find out what the root cause of the affair was and uproot it and destroy it. It the problem is you - get help. If the problem is him - he needs to get help. Also the evidence of his affair will always be with you. He has born another human being and it will continue to grow and grow looking more and more like him, just like your own kids will. Can you deal with it? Then we do not know if she is ill and passed it on to him or not. Is she the only one he is having an affair with or are there others. These are just some of the thoughts that will be going through your mind for years to come.

If you choose to leave my dear the price is just as high. It will mean you have to start your life again on your own. Whilst you watch another woman step into the place you once enjoyed, partaking of the fruits of everything you have worked for in your marriage. There are financial consequences especially if you are reliant on him currently for your financial upkeep. Then there are the kids who will for many years blame you for separating them from their father especially if the issues affect you and not really them (it's different if he beats you and them cause they are affected directly). The problem is that when a woman gets married most of the time she gives up everything, so if she leaves the marriage she usually leaves with nothing but the kids. In this you will also need help from family and or friends.

You will need a support structure to help you through those breaking days when you feel you cannot go on. You will also need someone there to look after the kids whilst you get back into the working world. If you don't you will end up going back and this time the situation will be worse. Better still find a church that understands what you are going through and is there to strengthen you.

Whatever decision you choose to make - make sure you have no regrets. Make sure you are satisfied that there is nothing more you can do. Then when you make the decision do not look back.

I know this does not change things, but I hope you will think about what I have said and make the wisest and best decision, not through emotion but through clear thinking. Until next week, have a great week and God bless!

Anastasia can be messaged on 0772 933 845.