This and that with Maluphosa - New year's Revolutions!

Next week we are 'expected' to make evolutions, revolutions or whatever, as Sqhezema would put it.

Here is a man who aspired to be a professor or doctor but bombed out of school for hatred of teachers.

He says those who expect him to make any resolutions this year will be greatly disappointed.

For the past ten years he has been stuck on two, like the baboon which is said to be able to count to two only.

He has been so determined to walk away from that excuse of a marriage of his. This is one resolution that has caused him so much misery since the woman has become as alert as despot who just picked rumours of a planned coup de ta.

Secondly, he has been trying to quit drinking. On the contrary, he has become an alcoholic that is now beyond the scope of AA.

Dee says the devil is always far ahead of the human race. When you plan to change course, he gives you a better compass, and paints a better rainbow with a bigger brighter silver pot containing bigger bars of gold.

So you keep postponing quitting your hated old habits with the hope of reaching the rainbow's end and grabbing all the glory.

The devil keeps telling you this time things will be better if you stick around for one more session.

I know a few guys who have been setting the 31st of December of every year as their last date with 'beer', for the past decade! Sqhezema says he has tried so hard to 'hearken' the voice of the lord, which voice has been so silent Sqhezema contemplates heresy is the way to go.

He assumes the Lord has his elite and he obviously has no plan for him. Meanwhile the devil's voice has always been louder, stronger, sweeter and very convincing.
                            
I tell him I made my resolutions when I was still a young man, and therefore there is no need to make any now. These were, and still are; staying away from alcohol and any form of cigarettes; and loving my children as only a loving father should. I have resolutely stuck to these resolutions ever since I made them. It is part of my being a disciplined man to follow my own principles. Breaking resolutions is like lying to oneself. Why make a promise one will never keep? Long-term resolutions are the way to go; there is no pressure and one can always monitor, revisit and revise one's progress and move the goal posts or change course where necessary.

Dee is someone who has never believed in this sort of thing. He says kudla fumuka kudle silaza. Therefore he will live each day as it comes, like a true African man. Emakhaya akula time table, no. We use instinct, like our cousins the animals. If he feels like going hunting before mending uthango, he will do exactly that. In other words, he'll do what he feels is more appealing at the moment. May-be this is why he has so many unfinished projects? A house that has been at window level for the past three years; an acre that has a furrow or two at the centre; a dismounted and seemingly discarded engine of his other car; a half painted isiphala and a journey or two that he keeps postponing. But he says he likes it that way because he always has something to do. Even the family that he has was never planned; the wife had set a precedent by accidentally getting pregnant with their first child, leading to an unplanned marriage, and all the subsequent pregnancies have come just like the first one; when they wanted to.
       
But Siza believes a man must always have a plan at least, not a resolution per-se. A man must take charge of his life and steer it to the direction he desires. A man must not just fohla like some lunatic Christopher Columbus. He has to make intelligent and informed moves based on his past experiences, present position and desired destination. Nonsense, Sqhezema thinks it is. Resolutions are a lot of crap. Which known man has drawn up and stuck to resolutions has succeeded? Even presidents went and won polls by chance. We all dispute this; this has never happened in Africa. In some countries results are out before the vote has been cast. We also remind him of Godlwayo's fabulous wedding at the weekend. Godlwayo resolved at the beginning of the year that by year end, he would have married the love of his life. And he has done it. This was as a result of making a resolution and planning scrupulously to see it through. Siza says still Godlwayo is already sending out frequent irregular SOS signals for soft loans. But at least he can pride himself over having achieved the most important resolution of his life. Uyis'khokho mfana!
   
As civil, servants we were required to draw up what became the most boring and unpopular task of our work; KRAS. These were like work-related resolutions already drawn up for the poor teacher. In the rural areas we were 'encouraged' to come up with such impossible-to-achieve KRAS, such as a 50 percent pass by the end of the year. But did we have enough material support to achieve this? Never! My commerce students depended on the notes I gave them, and my Math students had a textbook to twelve students. And the community was encouraged to sit on those teachers who did not pack the gear, regardless of the obstacles. In summer the rivers are usually overflowing and highly impassable, forcing three quarters of the school to stay away. Or one of your trusted students may decide to get ill, or athunywe inhlanyelo eTshelanyemba, e-Avoca or e-Mathendele, instead of attending school. Where does this leave the poor teacher's KRAS? Phela umuntu is not like some putty that one can squeeze, hew, polish or mould into any shape they choose. His mind, resolve and spirit are not malleable. Esibhedlela, the patient you hoped might improve your standing with the assessors might be discharged just before you start your assessment, or die, or simply refuse to cooperate, and you get a good zero.
                        
Speaking of is'bhedlela, have you ever asked yourself why health workers are so mad at you when you thought you were ill? Here are some women illnesses that made me want to eat my foot and ask for seconds; Ikhanda lami licabanga kakhulu;  Amakhala'mi angena umoya; Iqolo lami liyavuleka, umzimba wami ubusuyekela uthi wahla! umsipha  lo ubusudonseka; Isibhono sami sikhamisile; Indlebe zami zimile. Angila appetite yokudla; Ngiyavaleka ebusuku nxa ngithwele into enzima; Ngihlanz'iyelo. Ngilesiyezi esingenza ngibe dizzy. Ikhwapha lami lilomsindo. Ulimi lwami luyababa. And when I tried taking history from each of these patients I hit the brick wall. I remember one who came to report; 'Kuthi ngithi mhh!' she said, making a croaking sound with the throat. When I asked what she was failing to say, she turned violent. She said I should know everything that patients complained about, including the condition 'Mhh'. And if one did not give them anything for Mhh, the local councilor will be there almost instantly, to give one a 'political' warning. What a dilemma! Anyway, one cannot make resolutions about ukugula. So I wish all you guys good health and success beyond your wildest dreams come 2012. And may Mhh stay away from all of you.

Ngiyabonga mina!