Diaspora finds it hard to make a decision to relocate back home

When one sits with his head between his hands trying to make a decision whether to settle permanently abroad or plan to go back home the pains of being away from home kicks in. Most Zimbabweans who are in England came with the hope of staying for six months.

Looking on the direction time took it has been years. Some are now in the quagmire whether to go home or to settle forever and start a new generation which will have no ties whatsoever with the past. As for those who have experienced it, living in another country changes you forever.

You will never be the same and will never see things the same way again. People back home change so fast. They have no love you grew up knowing. Families are deeply divided. The spirit of sharing and love is no longer there. What they want is a piece of your flesh and they are never prepared to give you theirs. If you are in any crisis no help will ever come from their direction.

A phone call from home is for more money or indeed more money Yet, for those of us who have lived abroad, this is simply the way it is. Our brothers have changed. Can one live longer among them?

The first time a person in diaspora experience what experts call "Reverse Culture Shock" is after returning home for a holiday. The home which before had given them a sense of comfort and belonging, upon returning seemed stifling and bereft of warmth.

They will move about their days feeling that something was missing but have no idea what it could be. It eventually become clear that home would never, ever again feel the same as it had before. They sealed their fate the moment They had boarded that plane.

there is really no way to describe this feeling to those who haven't experienced it themselves. It's a little like free-falling. It feels as if you are floating aimlessly on restless waters. You feel distinctly ungrounded.

Going home gives one some pressure and a lot of stress. Where everybody looks at you as a free vending machine. They love you as long as your gifts last. They make one feel unwanted and swim in the dip thought whether it is necessary to come back home or settle forever in Diaspora. Home as we know it has adopted a strange culture. The culture of selfishness fake love and exploitative relationships. Many descriptions of Reverse Culture Shock describe it as part of a continuum whereby one is shocked by the culture his culture has taken. You will never feel at home again in your native country and the vestiges of the "shock" will never wear off.

It is true that those feelings of strangeness ever subside, One still feels that something will never be the same again. What Diaspora constantly contend with now is a continual pull to go back; a pull to go back anywhere as long as it isn't home. Yet when They back home they feel the pull to return home. the only place They call home. It is as if They are living in a kind of suspended reality, never really here and never really there; restless.

The joy of having spent time in another country is that you slowly become a part of it and bit-by-bit one of its people. Your attention to detail is heightened and you make a concerted effort to understand and fit in until you become one with your new location. What You have seen and felt and heard and smelt in each of the places You have lived has made you who You are like a wine having picking up its surrounding elements.

You would never want the clocks to be turned back to the person You were before You set foot on that first airplane. Instead, what You want more than anything is to have your favourite elements from each country right there with you now. Younwant to have a Zimbabwean shop around the corner there in England full of laughter and music and incessant chatter. After all these years, Diasporas still crave the smell of burning grass in the air and delight when You hear a Zimbabwean language being spoken.

But You also want to have the sights and smells and family and friends from home.

Ultimately what You have lost in hometown comfort you have gained in international familiarity. Whereas once boarding an airplane was an amazing feat and arriving in another country 10 hours later unthinkable, you feel a safe sense of deja-vu when you are snuggled down into your seats for ten hour long flight.

You will have a pretty good idea of the sequence of events whereby you will get from here to there and You cherish this opportunity to head to your other home for an extended visit. And after being there for a while, You can't wait to snuggle back into your bed in your home in Corby.

Thus, the final question You ask your self is no longer whether You will ever have that complete sense of home again, that sense of knowing You belong in one place above all others without doubt. You now ask how I can feel at home where I am at this very moment, in this place, with these experiences; each moment finding my way back home.

When a need for contributions arise it is certain that all will never lift a helping finger. They will all look to you for contributions. You are from abroad you don't belong here anymore so who cares. Just pump the money out. Names have changed meanings. Diaspora means money. Your coming home means all the tribes problems are now yours. Most in diaspora feel that it is selfish to go back home. It is cruel to your children who never had a choice in the first place. You are having this life once and live it once. Working for the tribe does not make you a good person. The tribe calls you a fool for not looking after yourself and family. Yet they expect you to cough out all you have for them.

Vazet2000@yahoo.co.uk