The story about Chamisa's wife

It really looks like Nelson Chamisa is missing something and we are all not being helpful at all. The boy is missing something terribly,  yet we choose to stay political with him as if he is a real political factor.

The temptation here is to quickly declare - NO UNDER 18, but then in this digital era, we will be wasting time. These kids are everywhere and they now know everything. So let the sermon begin.

I repeat, Chamisa is missing something. Mwana ari kushiringinya isu tome zvedu kutoenda kundari. Huri kumbonaka seiko mazuva ano?

Over the past few weeks, Chamisa has abandoned his cartoons on spaghetti roads and bullet trains. Some are saying it's called the "Stephen Sackur Effect." Students of cultural studies can explain this phenomenon much better. I am a mere Bishop and all I know is that Chamisa was thoroughly embarrassed by that ruthless presenter of the BBC HardTalk programme. There was indeed some hard talk that saw Chamisa dropping his diapers.

And so the little boy has dropped his cartoons and he is up to something. He has gone sexual. Who said politics and sex don't mix? First, Chamisa shocked the world in general, but feminists in particular when he said, "If Mnangagwa wins 5 percent in a free election, I will give him my sister. I have a sister who just turned 18 and looking for a husband. I am betting on this because I know it won't happen."

Uummm, this boy hey, hey! Kutsvagira mwana ane 18 years murume? UChamisa bakithi? How does he think of such suicidal stuff?

Obviously, the world wasn't impressed and the little boy was pummelled from all fronts.

He tried to be stubborn about it, but the pressure was just too much. With his long tail between the legs, he relented and apologised.

"If anyone felt hurt about the joke I am sorry. It was just a political banter that I used to illustrate that even if I promised to give him (Mnangagwa) my most prized position, he would still not be able to defeat us in a free and fair election.

"The joke should have been a non-issue because most Zimbabweans are worried about issues of survival. This is just a sideshow that is being used by irrelevant people to score cheap political points at my expense," he told South African-based News24.com.

A political banter? A joke?

This little boy doesn't really know the field he is in. Look around boy; do you see King Kong or Ben 10 anywhere near? The consolation is that Chamisa is still growing.

Then when we thought he was done with these dirty sexist jokes, Chamisa went even deeper. Unoshaya kuti sei-PFungwa dzangoti nama-nama neizvozvo chete.

"As we go to an election this year, we must say goodbye to old age leadership. We want young and energetic leaders like me. Is there anyone who can doubt that I am energetic? Just give me any woman here and see if I will fail to score," said Chamisa while addressing a rally at Maboleni Business Centre in Lower Gweru last week.

With the audience still stunned and saying "for the why", he added another punch line.

"You think I don't know Ndebele? You are wrong. Totally wrong. I can propose love in Ndebele," said the boy. Aikaka ndiko kwazvatosvika uku? Anogona kutsvetsva nechiNdebele nhai? Ahhh, very clever boy. We have a linguist here vanhu vaMwari.

"Just give me any woman here and see if I will fail to score."

Reducing women to goal posts? The boy can score? From a linguist to a macho-man! This Chamisa is really something else. And to imagine he is a trained pastor with AFM?

But hey, the boy is correct. He can propose love in Ndebele. It's true. Just ask the wife, Sithokozile.

"Ngiyakuthanda Sitho," I hear Mr Loverman saying.

But then why is Mr Loverman never seen with his "Sitho" in public? Why is Sitho a secret? Why haven't we seen her by her husband's side? Why haven't we seen her chanting daddy's party's slogan? I hope Chamisa is not that old school husband who thinks wifey belongs to the home where it's all about scoring goals.

The last time I checked, reports said Sithokozile, a whole lawyer by profession, could not join hubby on the political platform because she is employed by some NGO that doesn't allow her to be seen meddling in politics.

When I saw this report, I laughed. A whole lawyer allowing some NGO to take away her democratic right? What kind of a lawyer is that? What kind of an NGO is that?

Hakuna zvakadaro. Chamisa even claims to be an advocate. Saka shuwa advocate allows wifey's right to freedom of association and expression to be taken away just like that? Tell me another reasonable theory.

Even the Holy Book advises wives to support their husbands in Ephesians 5:22-23 saying: "Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing."

We want too see Madame Chamisa by her husband's side. Surely, Sithokozile can't break a tradition that was started way back by Martha Washington who is considered to be the first "First Lady." Martha set the stands for women and Sithokozile is surely not about to break that long held tradition.

Still on this issue of supportive wives, as your Bishop I am very convinced that if Suzan Tsvangirai, Tsvangirai's first wife, had not died in that tragic accident, Save's political life would have been totally different pane zvatakazoona. Suzan was genuinely supportive and she was indeed Tsvangirai's shoulder to lean on. When Suzan died, Tsvangirai's political life died. Suddenly Save was all over the place with different women. I personally will never forget Save's Legends of the Seas picture with that beautiful lady from South Africa.

American singers JZ and Beyonce must have been green with envy. That was a picture for superstars, yet it was our own Save. Rest in Peace Save! Hope you finally met your real wife Suzan. I could see you were missing her.

So back to the sermon, Sithokozile has to support little hubby.  I hear that naughty section in my church whispering at the back saying "saka Bishop muri kutii? Asi pane nyaya?"

Well, I am not a reckless and easily excitable Bishop. One day, a day soon to come, the truth shall be told in devastating ways, but what Chamisa did to MP for Harare West Jessie Majome in favour of Ms Joanna Mamombe was just not on. Reports say Chamisa dumped Majome for Mamombe.

A clearly hurt Jessie poured her heart out: "Before the close of the 8th Parliament, I was seeking re-election for Harare West Constituency under the banner MDC Alliance.

"However, sadly for me in this primary election, I have noted several factors that I cannot ignore, which I have highlighted to my party which I believe, honestly, constitute manipulation of my party guidelines towards a fair outcome to the extent in my view regrettably so, that the will of bona fide and genuine Harare Westerners would be lost in that process.

"In the light of this, I wish to advise the Harare Westerners that, because they had placed their confidence in me, that I am withdrawing with a heavy heart my candidature for MDC Alliance for Harare West Constituency . . . because of the reasons that I have given in detail to my party."

Ahh, shame.

Sorry sister Jessie. Chiregai kuita chiramwa asikana. There is still hope. You thought Thokozani Khupe had gone nuts when she decided she had had enough of this Chamisa boy? More shocking stuff coming soon.

Welcome to the political ring Ms Mamombe. Well, as for Chamisa, there is no welcoming you, munozivana.

But how does it feel to do that to another woman? Your coming makes the feminist agenda seem chimeric, too utopian.

For now let's just say we are likely to hear more about this Ms Mamombe. She is some package and as with all packages, it shall be opened and the world will see why Chamisa is choosing to dump a long time senior member of the party.

The mischievous ones are already making it rhyme in true dancehall style. Kwanzi "nhai Ms Mamombe asi mombe dzakaenda." Will be in touch with my Chairman Killer T, to coin a good one soon.

I said Chamisa is missing something, didn't I? Well, if by now you haven't figured out what the little boy is missing, then that NO UNDER 18 was meant for you. You can be over 18, but still under 18. Age is just a number.

But think of it, Chamisa and Sithokozile could actually be right. Maybe Sithokozile has to keep in the background. The Grace Mugabe era has taught us that dzimwe nguva zviri nani munhu agare kumba.

Grace Mugabe was just something else. In your spare time, try to replay those videos where she was speaking at those interface rallies. My favourite is that popular one where she goes: "Unopenga! Unopenga!" You see and listen to those videos and say to yourself "right in front of our eyes, munhu aitodya waya." Does anyone miss Grace? Imagine a movie entitled: "Grace In Action?"

So Chamisa could be right. Maybe he knows something that former President Mugabe didn't know before he unleashed Grace on us.

But you can see that little boy is missing something. Maybe anoda kudzikamiswa nemukadzi. That could be the solution to all these sexist jokes he is now throwing around.

Maybe Chamisa is now this disoriented because he never in his life thought the British could dump his party. The British have not only dumped his party, they are pouring millions into the ZANU-PF Government.

And Tendai Biti is actually convinced that the British are suddenly wrong. When the same British were giving money to the opposition, he never complained.

The British got tired with the opposition and they are back where they belong. Zvema funnies zvapera.

But like I said, Chamisa is growing. He will learn. He will learn that his best bet under the circumstances is to hope ED will say "come be my Prime Minister." That will be a jackpot for little Chamisa.

In the meantime, we want Chamisa and Sitho to show some love and affection. All the other problems will be sorted.

The Bible in Ephesians 5 vs 25 says: "For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her," while Genesis 2 vs 24 says: "Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh."

One flesh inofamba yese. Munhamo nematambudziko. Till death do us part!

Bishop is out!