Opinion / Columnist
2018 Election: How to avoid a fist fight
25 Jul 2018 at 07:23hrs | Views
Loosing an arguement is better than loosing a friend. There are many things you should never do during an argument or confrontation with anyone, unless you're just arguing for the fun of it or want to get into a fist fight or have someone hate you. But if you want to actually get something constructive from an argument and solve a problem then read the following ten things and if you catch yourself doing any of them during a fight, then I hope you'll stop and reconsider what you want to accomplish.
Don't Ignore The Problem
Unfortunately a lot of people think they can simply ignore problems and they go away. So they ignore the problem or they just bite their lip and take the pain it's causing them. They don't say anything, they let the problem fester and continue and bury it deep down inside of them.
What eventually happens is the problem becomes so unbearable that one day it all comes out in a fury. You'll say and do a lot of things you'll regret later. The worst part about it all is that the other person won't even understand where you're coming from when you snap.
They might have done something simple like forget to put their glass away and you explode on them unleashing years worth of neglect and anger. When the dust settles, you look like an idiot, and you probably caused a lot of irreparable damage and harm to anyone that witnessed it.
Don't Attack Another Person's Character
You're most likely having this conversation, debate, or argument for a reason and you're looking to solve a problem. Don't sink to a level in the midst of an emotional battle of attacking the other person's character.
Stay focused and on the problem. Telling someone about their weaknesses not only sidetracks the argument but it makes the argument useless to have after that point. It's hard to continue a conversation with anyone when all they try to do is put you down instead of addressing the issue at hand.
Don't Generalize, Exaggerate, Or Be Sarcastic
Using any of these tactics above will immediately shift the focus of an argument. You may cause the other person to defend themselves, make excuses, or they'll simply stop listening to what you're saying all together.
You know what I'm talking about. This is where someone you're in confrontation with uses terms like everyone, always, makes things bigger than they really are, or makes sarcastic remarks. It's nearly impossible to continue in a constructive way once these lines are dropped.
"Everyone thinks you're a…" "Everyone I know would agree with me…" "You're always…" "This always happens.." "You do this every time…" You do this all the time…"
These all result in conversation useless. First off, it's unrealistic to make such claims. Who is everyone? Obviously, not everyone will ever agree with you on anything. You're always? Always when? You mean I do this every single time? Again, not possible.
Generalizations are the last resort of someone who has no real argument. They try to either put you down or they try to draw imaginary others into the conversation to gain credibility. Conversation over is the result.
Exaggerations have the same effect. "Thanks to you not going to work today, we're going to starve to death." "Because you didn't put your shoes away someone might trip and die." These also result in conversation over.
Sarcastic remarks, well you know the type, they aren't part of a constructive argument either.
Lose all of these things when in confrontation with someone or lose respect of the person you're in confrontation with, they'll never treat you the same or want to listen to you in a serious manner again.
Don't Start It Off As A Know-it-all
If you want to raise the chances of you getting kicked in the face then by all means start an intense debate as a know-it-all. No one likes a condescending idiot, so don't be one.
Everyone has something to learn and no one knows everything. It doesn't matter what you do for work, where you went to school, or anything else for that matter. Start off with the spirit of wanting to learn something from another person.
If you take the approach of knowing it all then you can't connect with another person at the level necessary to solve conflict.
Andre Gide is credited with saying "Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it."
In other words, if you approach a conversation and make it seem like a joint effort to get to the truth instead of proclaiming you already know it, then you will be successful in solving problems. Even if you already know the answer it is much better to guide the other person in the direction you want them to get to, in order to discover what you know, simply by asking questions.
Imagine looking something up together to seek a joint answer rather than you showing someone something you read after you've belittled them and made them feel bad. In which scenario do you think they are going to be receptive to you?
take the time to work as a team to solve problems together. You'll not only gain a friend, you'll also help change a mind.
Common phrases you'll hear from people who think they know everything. Note to self, these are the things you say that makes someone want to just reach back and punch you as hard as they can right between the eyes.
If you've ever used any of these phrases or related phrases to try to gain credibility or prove a point or to bypass proving something, then you probably deserve to be punched in the face. As a matter of fact, go punch yourself in the face right now and save the rest of us the hassle.
"Well I would know, I've been doing this for 20 years."
"I went to school for this, I have a degree."
"I have a friend who's a xxx"
"Its my job"
Don't Jump To Other Issues
This happens all too frequently. A discussion turns into an argument, an argument turns into a fight, and after awhile you both stop and ask the same question. "How the hell did we get on this topic?" or "What the hell we're we even fighting about?"
During any conversation or argument or debate you're naturally going to say or do something that reminds you of other things, however, if you don't stick to the issue at hand then you'll never solve the problem you were having.
This can also waste a lot of time, you'll end up talking a little bit about everything but never really focusing on the one thing you were hoping to solve.
Never Use Ultimatums Or Threats
When you start to use threats or ultimatums in an argument, whatever it is that you were talking about, immediately fades into nothingness. The focus of the conversation then shifts to that specific ultimatum or threat.
This causes the other person to counter attack or defend themselves. This can go on for a long time back and forth, getting worse as it goes, and you still didn't solve the issue that caused the argument in the first place.
Don't Be Disrespectful
This includes rolling your eyes, shaking your head, and using cliche's like "duh" or "you're stupid" etc. Don't use your body to be disrespectful and don't be sarcastic or insult the other person with cliches.
It makes the other person feel like they're wasting their time with you and it makes you look like a complete idiot.
Don't Interrupt
Everyone probably knows what it's like to be interrupted and it's not a great feeling. Let the other person finish what they are saying, pay attention, wait until they are done to start speaking. Listen to what they are saying.
If you show them respect and that you value what they have to say, when it's your turn to talk they will take the time to return the favor. If you keep interrupting them they will stop trying to explain stuff to you and you'll find yourself sitting there talking while no one is listening to a damn thing you're saying.
Don't Raise Your Voice
This frequently happens due to being interrupted or to interrupt someone else because you don't feel like they've understood anything you've said.
Soft words can calm anger but loud words will incite anger only make matters worse.
The other times people raise their voice is for what's called a shouting match. When there's a shouting match going on it's usually two people insulting each other. I don't believe that's ever solved any problems ever.
Never Walk Away Until It's Over
The only time it's ever appropriate to walk away from an argument is if it becomes emotionally or verbally abusive. Until then, if you want to show you respect the other person, you had better stay and participate.
Just because you have been proven wrong, someone doesn't agree, or you don't feel like you're getting your point across, does not justify just walking away. If you can't stand in and solve a problem and get your points across then you have issues. Walking away just shows that you are disrespectful and uncaring and I'd be surprised if the other person doesn't return the favor or stop talking to you all together the next time you want to discuss something. So take the time to work as a team to solve problems together. You'll not only gain a friend, you'll also help change a mind.
Don't Ignore The Problem
Unfortunately a lot of people think they can simply ignore problems and they go away. So they ignore the problem or they just bite their lip and take the pain it's causing them. They don't say anything, they let the problem fester and continue and bury it deep down inside of them.
What eventually happens is the problem becomes so unbearable that one day it all comes out in a fury. You'll say and do a lot of things you'll regret later. The worst part about it all is that the other person won't even understand where you're coming from when you snap.
They might have done something simple like forget to put their glass away and you explode on them unleashing years worth of neglect and anger. When the dust settles, you look like an idiot, and you probably caused a lot of irreparable damage and harm to anyone that witnessed it.
Don't Attack Another Person's Character
You're most likely having this conversation, debate, or argument for a reason and you're looking to solve a problem. Don't sink to a level in the midst of an emotional battle of attacking the other person's character.
Stay focused and on the problem. Telling someone about their weaknesses not only sidetracks the argument but it makes the argument useless to have after that point. It's hard to continue a conversation with anyone when all they try to do is put you down instead of addressing the issue at hand.
Don't Generalize, Exaggerate, Or Be Sarcastic
Using any of these tactics above will immediately shift the focus of an argument. You may cause the other person to defend themselves, make excuses, or they'll simply stop listening to what you're saying all together.
You know what I'm talking about. This is where someone you're in confrontation with uses terms like everyone, always, makes things bigger than they really are, or makes sarcastic remarks. It's nearly impossible to continue in a constructive way once these lines are dropped.
"Everyone thinks you're a…" "Everyone I know would agree with me…" "You're always…" "This always happens.." "You do this every time…" You do this all the time…"
These all result in conversation useless. First off, it's unrealistic to make such claims. Who is everyone? Obviously, not everyone will ever agree with you on anything. You're always? Always when? You mean I do this every single time? Again, not possible.
Generalizations are the last resort of someone who has no real argument. They try to either put you down or they try to draw imaginary others into the conversation to gain credibility. Conversation over is the result.
Exaggerations have the same effect. "Thanks to you not going to work today, we're going to starve to death." "Because you didn't put your shoes away someone might trip and die." These also result in conversation over.
Sarcastic remarks, well you know the type, they aren't part of a constructive argument either.
Lose all of these things when in confrontation with someone or lose respect of the person you're in confrontation with, they'll never treat you the same or want to listen to you in a serious manner again.
Don't Start It Off As A Know-it-all
If you want to raise the chances of you getting kicked in the face then by all means start an intense debate as a know-it-all. No one likes a condescending idiot, so don't be one.
Everyone has something to learn and no one knows everything. It doesn't matter what you do for work, where you went to school, or anything else for that matter. Start off with the spirit of wanting to learn something from another person.
If you take the approach of knowing it all then you can't connect with another person at the level necessary to solve conflict.
Andre Gide is credited with saying "Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it."
In other words, if you approach a conversation and make it seem like a joint effort to get to the truth instead of proclaiming you already know it, then you will be successful in solving problems. Even if you already know the answer it is much better to guide the other person in the direction you want them to get to, in order to discover what you know, simply by asking questions.
Imagine looking something up together to seek a joint answer rather than you showing someone something you read after you've belittled them and made them feel bad. In which scenario do you think they are going to be receptive to you?
take the time to work as a team to solve problems together. You'll not only gain a friend, you'll also help change a mind.
Common phrases you'll hear from people who think they know everything. Note to self, these are the things you say that makes someone want to just reach back and punch you as hard as they can right between the eyes.
If you've ever used any of these phrases or related phrases to try to gain credibility or prove a point or to bypass proving something, then you probably deserve to be punched in the face. As a matter of fact, go punch yourself in the face right now and save the rest of us the hassle.
"Well I would know, I've been doing this for 20 years."
"I went to school for this, I have a degree."
"I have a friend who's a xxx"
"Its my job"
Don't Jump To Other Issues
This happens all too frequently. A discussion turns into an argument, an argument turns into a fight, and after awhile you both stop and ask the same question. "How the hell did we get on this topic?" or "What the hell we're we even fighting about?"
During any conversation or argument or debate you're naturally going to say or do something that reminds you of other things, however, if you don't stick to the issue at hand then you'll never solve the problem you were having.
This can also waste a lot of time, you'll end up talking a little bit about everything but never really focusing on the one thing you were hoping to solve.
Never Use Ultimatums Or Threats
When you start to use threats or ultimatums in an argument, whatever it is that you were talking about, immediately fades into nothingness. The focus of the conversation then shifts to that specific ultimatum or threat.
This causes the other person to counter attack or defend themselves. This can go on for a long time back and forth, getting worse as it goes, and you still didn't solve the issue that caused the argument in the first place.
Don't Be Disrespectful
This includes rolling your eyes, shaking your head, and using cliche's like "duh" or "you're stupid" etc. Don't use your body to be disrespectful and don't be sarcastic or insult the other person with cliches.
It makes the other person feel like they're wasting their time with you and it makes you look like a complete idiot.
Don't Interrupt
Everyone probably knows what it's like to be interrupted and it's not a great feeling. Let the other person finish what they are saying, pay attention, wait until they are done to start speaking. Listen to what they are saying.
If you show them respect and that you value what they have to say, when it's your turn to talk they will take the time to return the favor. If you keep interrupting them they will stop trying to explain stuff to you and you'll find yourself sitting there talking while no one is listening to a damn thing you're saying.
Don't Raise Your Voice
This frequently happens due to being interrupted or to interrupt someone else because you don't feel like they've understood anything you've said.
Soft words can calm anger but loud words will incite anger only make matters worse.
The other times people raise their voice is for what's called a shouting match. When there's a shouting match going on it's usually two people insulting each other. I don't believe that's ever solved any problems ever.
Never Walk Away Until It's Over
The only time it's ever appropriate to walk away from an argument is if it becomes emotionally or verbally abusive. Until then, if you want to show you respect the other person, you had better stay and participate.
Just because you have been proven wrong, someone doesn't agree, or you don't feel like you're getting your point across, does not justify just walking away. If you can't stand in and solve a problem and get your points across then you have issues. Walking away just shows that you are disrespectful and uncaring and I'd be surprised if the other person doesn't return the favor or stop talking to you all together the next time you want to discuss something. So take the time to work as a team to solve problems together. You'll not only gain a friend, you'll also help change a mind.
Source - Erick Matotoba
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