Why marrying a single mother is the right thing to do

DID you know that the Ndebele name "imvana'' was originally a mocking name? When a man marries a woman who already has a child, the man's friends would mock him and say "wadonsa ugatsha lamahlamvu alo". Usually it was a nickname given behind one's back. Imvana is obviously something not "top grade", if we are to follow this line of argument.

Today there are certain people behaving like villagers of old and are still stereotyping single mothers. Before I give my opinion, please bear in mind that this is a sensitive topic I am about to write about. I know certain sections that will insult me after they finish reading this, but hey,  it's my opinion. Everyone is entitled to one.

I have often been asked in my inbox, "I have found a nice lady, she is cute and respectful and everything, but the problem is she has a child, what should I do?"

This is one question I don't answer because I believe when it comes to picking a partner, each man must make up his own mind by himself. Besides, if you love somebody, love covers a multitude of sins, the Bible tells us. Without a doubt, the number of single mothers is on the increase to the extent that if you follow social media closely these days you will just see pictures of mothers with their kids only. And there are many women who are not on social media by the way.

This is a problem for everyone. It takes two to tango, so this isn't an issue for the ladies alone. Men are also guilty. I have never heard of a sperm bank in Harare, Bulawayo, Gweru, Victoria Falls or anywhere in Zimbabwe where women go for artificial insemination. So guys ingane esizibona kufacebook ngezikabani?

But before we cast the first stone on single mums, let's take into consideration some few facts: Firstly, when I see a single mum, I get encouraged. You know it's no easy at all. Walking around for nine months with an illegally acquired big stomach, with evidence that you had sex illegally. At home parents and family are giving you that look, church members think you are the chief whore, at work your friends are gossiping about you and at personal levels, many plans are delayed because of thinking too much about the future of the unborn child. We have to put all that into consideration and have a human heart before judging single mothers.

So please do not laugh at single mothers. If it were not for condoms how many would be single mothers? If we were to be judged by the number of condoms we have used who would survive the scorn? I'm certain we are not talking about a bunch of Catholic nuns and priests here.

Secondly, before you laugh at a single mum, bear in mind that she had the option to abort, but she chose to keep the pregnancy. Abortions nowadays are quiet easy and cheap with just a few pills which can be found almost in any pharmacy over the counter, but those women braved the "shame" and chose to fear God and not man.

Here is the truth that most people don't want to hear. Everyone knows at least one or two women who have terminated pregnancies at some point, but appear innocent. Some are your wives and girlfriends guys. You wouldn't know because a woman's heart is a deep sea of secrets. You will never even know her "mileage".

Women go through a lot in life, by the time a woman is 25, she would have met at least five stupid men. Some of these men are PHD holder liars, who came very innocent promising the world but ended up eating the cake, throwing the plate and running away. Be merciful when judging single mums.

It's strange that even families do not support their own when they want to marry single mothers. The funny thing is even if your own mama got you out of wedlock, the moment you mention you are dating a woman who has a child, she won't smile at such. That is one battle that brings a lot of pain and sadness, especially if you love the woman.

My friend, if you are in such an arrangement, just be strong, this is a real  nightmare! Some men usually think an ex-girlfriend owes him something, some guys will go and ask for "pension and retirement benefits" from ex-girlfriends, just to confuse and make life emotionally hard for the woman to move on. Some men come under the cover of visiting their kids, but they will be harbouring some dirty intentions, just to bring drama to your life again. Things become worse if the single mother becomes successful. The man would want to force his way back into the relationship, yet keeping his other relationship after supposedly "moving on".

Lastly, and the biggest of all hindrances, it's you (man) and your over-active mind. Trust me, you will start asking silly and immature questions. You start thinking, so some other legend has already passed through this route. So David Livingstone has already explored the beauty of this Falls. You will be thinking, "So she has lived with another tall, dark dude. What if she is sick? What if she still secretly goes to his cabin? What if she still has feelings for her baby daddy?" Honestly speaking, dating a single mum, let alone marrying a single mum is not kids' play or for the immature or the faint-hearted. You must be ready to accept her kid or kids as your own and treat them the same way you would treat your kids.

If your kids will go to a private school, your wife's child must go to the same school, and dress the same. So my friend, it's either you love the woman enough to shut up and look the other way and not waste her time or take a walk and go find your Miss Perfect (who probably has had two or three abortions).

To be frank, I would advise even a male virgin to marry a single mother. It's not a bad idea at all.  Single mothers have seen it all and are ready to love and be loved whole heartedly. After a heartbreak, most women become warm, humane and friendly. They really see things differently after parting ways with the father of the child.

As the Malawians say "Munda wakale siwuvuta kulima" (Insimu eyake yalinywa ayihluphi ukulima) meaning such women are now ripe to work with.