By-elections TKO and below the belt politics

If the Matabeleland North by-elections held recently were a boxing match, the MDC-Alliance would have been dealt a technical knock-out (TKO).

After jabs and uppercuts, then a flurry of combinations, left hook, right hook, then another jab . . . upper cut, the referee would have declared the match over before count 10. Dazzled, jelly footed and out of sorts, the MDC-Alliance would look at ZANU-PF with watery eyes.

That being the input from an analytical mind, the storm brewed after the defeat, the trainers and the camp left in a shambles, licking wounds of humiliation, turning everything into a circus.

Tabitha Khumalo, forever the most controversial clown in the MDC-Alliance circus train, found herself in melodramatic ringside punch-up with rival Thokozani Khupe. By the way, Khupe comes from Bubi, the epicentre of the last by-election and Tabitha is now the Alliance's chairperson. And, Khupe is accused of having spoiled the Alliance's political broth with sand (jecha), giving ZANU-PF an advantage.

Tabitha Khumalo

While we are avoiding calling it a woman's thing, at the death of founding leader Morgan Richard Tsvangson, Khupe was brutally elbowed out of the Alliance at the instigation of Tabitha and people thought it was mainstream politics at play, and that boy Nero, who wanted to usurp power at every cost, teamed up with Tabitha to oust Khupe. But, but, but … the motives were different; for Chamisa it was power, but for Tabitha it was below the belt politics. The two ladies are known to have dated and fought for one Shoko, a man who fed on the forbidden fruit of the two ladies.

Insiders say Khupe produced a female fruit, Shamiso, from the relationship with Shoko, while Tabitha just enjoyed the trinkets and the dangling bits, but produced nothing. Does the fight between Tabitha and Thoko make sense to you now, dear reader? It is more than mainstream politics. It is a below the belt fight.

And, then far away from the madding love triangle fight, MDC-Alliance is not new to below the belt politics. Their Congress in Gweru was more of a speed dating function than a leadership change congress. Being a party used to hoodwinking youths, many a girl was deflowered at the Gweru Congress. Positions were won based on sexellence and not excellence! Soon children will be born from the congress. That is the only positive contribution to the State.

 Mining the wrong hole

Still in the Midlands, there is one of our deputy ministers, whose name suggests some politeness, but seems not to have been so polite with a female partner.

Used to mining, he indeed took her to yonder Victoria Falls and mined her big time over a weekend, promising to give her the greenback by the bucket. As she upped the game, he upped the figure too! But the promised payment did not come, thereafter.

The girl, with a famous Ndebele love name, is bitter for having worked for nothing, for having dished the forbidden fruit for nothing other than food, booze and a boat cruise. We are told the forbidden fruit became the main meal of the deputy minister's retreat and not desert. We are told some traditional sex-enhancing concoction was at play, having acquired it from Livingstone, Zambia, through a mule.

But, boy ooh boy, the girl, famed for brewing storms from teacups, went on social media, setting the platforms agog, as ransom. Our dear brother is said to have run around, tried to pay some 10 000 United States dollars, but she refused demanding US$50 000 from the Government official said to have moved around with hordes of the greenback as a bait.

I see the Zimbabwe Anti-Corruption Commission drooling. We are not sure how much the settlement eventually became. Mark our words, the forbidden fruit can be expensive and expansive. But you see, our brother did not do due diligence. This girl is known to have caused a storm with a former governor of the Reserve Bank of Zimbabwe, whom she accused of fathering one of her children. Using the same modus operandi, she is said to have milked him dry.

Then this girl again, like an experienced fisherman, fishes in deep waters and catches the big ones. She once claimed that her two children had died in an accident. And the secret father, another senior Government official of the old regime, paid dearly for the non-existent funeral.

The official, who did not want to be identified with the children and had been posted to diplomatic service, paid through the nose for the funeral that never was! This world never ceases to amaze!

No space for riotous baboons

Baboons are curious primates, sure they are, no wonder why they move in troops and not congresses, mind you. They are loud, loathsome, violent and pugnacious, always spoiling for a fight, especially when they have the support of numbers.

You see, they may be violently inclined, obnoxious and all that when their empty stomachs rumble noisily, but they are not gifted with the garb of discernment. Because of their lack of intelligence, they usually fluff where it matters the most. We have had problems with baboons recently, clamouring for food, goofing for attention and wreaking havoc in the most inappropriate way. In the past they did it as well, almost bringing business to a standstill, enjoying the comfort of numbers and some kind of immunity.

These baboons!

They should just find the wherewithal of decency in the dark alcoves of their sparse brains. Well, you may probably be in the dark, I mean not because of electricity outage, but you see, sometimes we miss out on news; the issue is about baboons that gave the good people of Gwanda, Binga and travellers using the Chirundu border no peace of mind, stomach and psyche.

Baboons are baboons, period!

In Gwanda they had the temerity to waylay schoolchildren on their way to school and snatch their lunchboxes, or invade school premises during break or lunch times, and violently deprive pupils of their food.

With a penchant for destruction and violence, the primates converged on Binga District Hospital, and engaged in running battles with staff members, scaring patients and health personnel out of their wits, leaving a trail of destruction in the wake of a thieving spree that shames the devil. At a hospital, imagine! Jumping from roof to roof, grabbing pots from expecting mothers, or swinging on gutters in the fashion of demented and deluded schizophrenic congressmen, the baboons left asbestos and tile roofs caving in.

Attempting a shutdown at Chirundu Border Post, the notorious baboons in their hordes, milled around, skipping from vehicle to vehicle, destroying travellers' goods, tearing maize sacks, snatching handbags and defecating around the whole border area.

With the baboons seemingly enjoying immunity from those in authority, who believe in the harmony among different species, innocent citizens in the communities prone to baboon attacks fret that their food stashes and sources of income may be destroyed, should wanton marauding by baboons be allowed to persist.

They fear for their lives and the welfare of their children too.

Now that's what baboons do; they just do not give a hoot about the consequences of their actions. If they are not reined in, surely the abhorrent ignoramuses would even defecate on our doorsteps and in our houses. True, these violent primates should not be given any space in the human abode.

Cruise on Khama boy!

So Khama Billiat had both the mainstream media and the social media in overdrive this week following his latest acquisition — a beastly Range Rover Sport Lumma CLR RS.

Well done to our poster boy. Forking out as much as R2,5 million (about US$170 660) for a ride is not a feat for small boys! For all those that had been criticising him for making this move, please back off. This boy has worked very hard to be where he is today.

For starters, this boy earns much more than some of us might have imagined, or even dreamed of. So should we be shocked that he spends R2,5 million on a ride? How many civil servants are driving top of the range vehicles in Zimbabwe? Have ever asked them where they are getting the money, and advised them on how to spend it? Mind you, Khama Billiat is the highest paid player in the lucrative Absa Premiership. It was revealed when he crossed the floor from Mamelodi Sundowns to join rivals Kaizer Chiefs last year that the 28-year-old's move wasn't for peanuts.

It was a mouth-watering deal worth R10 million a year before tax, which converts to R833 333 per month. Taking the taxman into consideration — as footballers are taxed at 38 percent — Billiat's earnings should be hovering in the regions of R515 000 a month, making him comfortably the top-earner in South Africa's top-flight. In January this year, Soccer Laduma placed Billiat as the ABSA Premiership player with the highest market value, ahead of Andile Jali and Itumeleng Khune.

Billiat currently has the highest market value out of all the players in the Absa Premiership at €2 million (R31,6 million), with his value having increased since leaving Mamelodi Sundowns. Before joining Kaizer Chiefs, Billiat's market value was at €1,85 million (R29 million).

So you see, the boy has the moolar. He should be allowed to enjoy the sweat of his toils in the best way possible while he still can. If he can afford to splash millions of rands on such toys let him be. At least he is not spending the money on worthless women. Remember the stories about that dancing queen with an eye for lousy celebrities? That one is a closed chapter though.

But our biggest worry, just like everyone else is whether the boy is investing for that dry spell lurking somewhere at the end of his dribbling career. We believe that at 28 and with all that money, nothing can stop him from owning a house, even in the leafy suburbs of Harare. Why would he always come back to his parents' core house in Mufakose each time he is on a break? Why not upgrade the parents and buy them a bigger and more spacious place?

It is not lost on us that football is such a short career. We don't have to keep reminding each other of the sad football anecdotes, the "from riches to rags stories."

As you cruise on Khama boy don't forget to make hay while the sun shines.