This and that with Ml'phosa: United States Of Africa 1

I have always found the idea of a united states of Africa quite intriguing as I think of what Zimbabwe my country would offer in both creating and sustaining the seemingly impossible state. This is not a new idea just mooted by those who seek to occupy the seat of the said presidency but it is also rumoured that the late president of Tanzania, Julius Nyerere of that famous Chama Chama binduzi √¢‚Ǩ‚Äú something more or less like the gukurawunti √¢‚Ǩ‚Äú was duped into resigning the presidency of his country with the hope of landing the first presidency of the continent. But, knowing Africans as we do, all they do is jaw jaw and if this fails, war war. My sbali, who insists that I call him Sir like I call all the whites around here, tells me the voting for the EU presidency is a boring state of affairs as it is done by the elite parliament and not the povo of the member states. This is oh so boring. So we could teach the EU a thing or two about  electing a president they are prepared to die for.
                
Winning an election in my country is literally a life and death affair. So we could shake things a little before, during and after the election. Ask any patriotic Zimbabwean and they will tell you we have the best electoral laws in the whole wide world. Ask also our revered ministers Chinamash andMuderedere.

If they are too busy to answer your questions, ask our own locally manufactured Goebels, the prof, and he might warn you not to cause alarm and despondency by insinuating that our electoral laws are biased towards a certain ruling party. Yes, they have to be √¢‚Ǩ‚Äú for it is the peoples' party, and the rules are made by the people.    
                                       
I can imagine our youths and women in different shining party regalia setting up camp in different rural areas of the continent, including the small villages where president Obama's family is. The sticks, logs and metal bars they wave are not supposed to scare you. These were given to these paraffin selling gurus when they graduated with their degrees of violence last time out.

They are just to encourage you to vote with your heart and not your brain. And they would hit the ground sprinting as they sing "Kumusha panemabhunu,  chamchimrenga!" to strike fear into the hearts of our opponents. We would start organizing or re-organizing the supreme party at grassroots level from Cape to Cairo, living no stone, or is it country, unturned.

Then we would banish all dissenting voices to old Blair's poor island or imperialist Bush's thieving territory. Those who will not move shall be made to disappear without trace; their homes shall burn to ashes before the fury of our life-leader. We shall remind them again; "Africa will never be a colony again!" They shall know what evil Blair and terrorist Bush have done to destabilize our very peaceful continent, and to sabotage peace and prosperity. For this, we shall enlist the help of the professor in panel-beating that famous Bob Marley song "Africa Unite", into something like: "I tell you who we are; we are children of Mbuy and Handa. We are the children of Sir Kuru Gagool; we are the children of the soil!" This would be an instant heat, especially amongst our good friends Libya, Mauritius, South Africa, Tanzania and Mozambique. Oh how I wish China was also a part of this great continent.
                                       
Everyone would know about evil Blair and terrorist Bush's shenanigans to destabilize and re-colonize our country and reverse the gains of our hard won independence. "The Blair that I know is a toilet" will be memorized by all patriotic Africans. We might even add that the bush that I know is my toilet. Lest we forget, the elections would be against all the light weights like the Po Hambas, Kabilas, the Mubaraks or the Gadaffis of the world.

This we can do if we take over the radio and television stations in Africa and make sure they talk only preach the gospel according to our great leader and his remarkable party. 

The good prof might be depended upon to come up with a few danceable jingles to up the tempo √¢‚Ǩ‚Äú to be played on every radio station a year or two before the elections are held.  He can also convince the continent to use our world class constitution to hold elections and by-elections. We have one of the best electoral constitutions in the world, although it has been amended a billion times just to suit the leader and his party. Yes, this we have done because we want to show the world that we are the only patriotic Africans in the whole wide wild world. 

The good prof, ever so industrious and loyal, shall organize star rallies to be addressed by our great leader at all Africa's big stadia.

The politburo (we are the only African country with such a noble, patriotic structure) would flank our leader everywhere he goes, and our war veterans, in their grass suits and hats, would toy-toy until the bone marrow floors to their toe-nails.  At high powered gatherings we would simply unleash our heroines, the mothers of the struggle, the women's league, to hypnotize the delegates with their suggestive dances and over-emphasised genuflections, as they sing "Mmai-we ndotamba nani ko?" But it must be made clear here that this is not a game √¢‚Ǩ‚Äú it is a struggle like no other, the mother of all struggles, and there will be no time to tamba with anybody anywhere.    
                               
We have to show our intentions to win the presidential election with a landslide victory, even if it means having to delay the announcement of the results, or having to count count until the results change in our favour.  On Election Day, we would organize some chemicals to help remove the ink from our thumbs so we can vote more than once, to show we are not in the mood to tamba with anybody. We would also have our illustrious sons from ZBC update us on what is happening at polling stations across the continent, and also tell us about the five million votes between our leader and his closest rival! We would also be shown live coverage of happy, peaceful crowds at polling stations, queuing patiently to cast their voluntary vote for the president. Of course, there will be enough evidence of the great work done by our young ambassadors in the villages and towns; arms in slings; dukes and rags artlessly wrapped around deformed, bleeding heads heads; men and women leaning happily against crutches. This would be nothing compared to what Blair and bush did in Iraq. We can also do things here the African way. But the ZBC will still shout "Pasi na Bleya", in between the updates.
        
And if we have village heads shepherding their flock to the polls, the landslide is all done and dusted.Then it will be time for celebration, time for our president to handpick his ministers and cabinet √¢‚Ǩ‚Äú men and women with liberation credentials and who are prepared to die for the continent; cadres who still have a lot of fight and venom in their voices thoughts and deeds ; men and women with strong experienced bodies; men and women who will sing in unison  against the world bank, the west and the IMF.

Amongst all these there would be a dozen deputy presidents, a thousand governors, a dozen prime-ministers and their deputies; two cabinet ministers and deputies for each ministry and so on. All these must come from Zimbabwe because we have the experience; we have worked under such structures for a long long time. Whoever does not like this noble arrangement might as well leave the continent!
                                           
This will be the Africa which every bloc or coalition would love to emulate or at least be associated with. Voting would be livelier, not like the one that we see in Botswana or Malawi, where you only here of the results and wonder when the elections were held. United States of Africa, here we come!

Ngiyabonga mina!