Morgan Tsvangirai: The Political Obituary

The political history of Zimbabwe will be incomplete without mentioning and giving respect to Morgan Richard Tsvangirai. His meteoric rise from a poor rural Buhera background beginning with a job as a tea boy and later foreman at a mine in Bindura before becoming a fiery trade unionist can best be described as phenomenal. His grand entry into politics was filled with both fury and sound, bringing hope to millions of Zimbabweans. History will record that Morgan Tsvangirai is and will remain the only human being to contest and win an election against President Robert Mugabe ever. This feat is remarkable in the sense that President Mugabe may be serving his last days in both political and earthly office. For this achievement, although punctuated by a few skeletons along the way, Zimbabweans are eternally grateful. To cap a fine political run, Morgan Tsvangirai later became a Prime Minister in a coalition government that brought stability politically and economically in the country.

However the fury and sound with which his entry made signified a pittance of the potential Zimbabweans and the world invested in him. In his entire political career, Tsvangirai was fraught with numerous strategic and intellectual gaffes which played directly into the hands of his rivals. The first such miscalculation was his public receipt of cash donations from white commercial farmers at a time ZANU PF was repossessing farms for redistribution to the landless majority. Doing so with video cameras on tow was simply the antithesis of political shrewdness. Later, he fell victim of a Mossad trained Nikuv related spy called Ari Ben Menashe where he was filmed insinuating his desire to "eliminate" President Mugabe. As if that was not enough, and after being charged and surviving treason charges, Tsvangirai later made a startling call for President Mugabe to "step down or be removed violently". This call was made at a public rally inside a packed Rufaro Stadium. These incidences marked an eventful journey for a politician whose gift for brawn far outweighed his gift for brains. Although all these mistakes dented his profile, leaving gaping holes in his CV, none managed to destroy his march towards the Promised Land.

This was until his opponents discovered his real weakness. Morgan Tsvangirai faced and defeated Welshman Ncube (a Professor), Ari Ben Menashe (a Mossad spy), Robert Mugabe (a veteran President and Commander in Chief of everything and everyone) as well as trumped up criminal charges. Here was a man who could take on anything and anyone to come out of the battles smelling of roses. Did I just say roses? Bingo! The fellow just loves them roses and anything associated with them, especially women. An entire army could be deployed against Tsvangirai and he could send them packing, tails between legs. But the sight of curvy hips and busty cleavages, especially of the breed blessed with light complexion, always sends our bull terrier melting like Chinese butter and softening like Gokwe wool. As fate would have it, his faithful wife dies in a horrific traffic accident. Then all hell broke loose.

Our superman began hopping from one bed to another with chilling yet terrifying accuracy and frequency. Some women were hand delivered, often by his political rivals, others spiritually dropping from high Heavens, often arranged by churchmen and yet others were "discovered" loitering in departure lounges of busy international airports. The younger ones were not spared either, often cornered on their own backyards, leaving their buffalo bloodied parents dazzled and confused. There was absolutely nowhere to hide anymore. When hunting in natural habitat became stressful, our superman simply turned to his private zoo, the MDC, where loyal prey was unlimited in all shapes and sizes.  Prey in the zoo became pets, and many have tales to tell today. In all his conquests, our superman made minimum protection to ensure maximum pleasure, evidence of which is single mothers scattered all over the country. He even confided to an aviation queen of South African descent that his joystick becomes wobbly at the slightest suggestion of rubberising it. As a consequence diseases preyed on the hunter.  Legend has it that the fellow is now infected with the deadly virus.

When he decided to settle, the superman made the long trip and waded into enemy territory. In his wisdom, or lack of it, he decided to wed the daughter of his sworn political enemies. Before long allegations of infidelity began flying all over the place. Matters came to a head when the wife recently decided to run for dear life. Speculation and reports suggest that she bolted out because of health related problems that the former Prime Minister is suffering from. Although he denies this, only two health problems can explain why Elizabeth decided that she would not hang around. The first one has been explored above, a suggestion that the joystick may have been locked and therefore keeping the wifey starved of matrimonial bliss. However to believe that Elizabeth left the matrimonial home simply because the baby making member's functionality is compromised is akin to thinking that she wanted to sire 500 children for our former Prime Minister. We are told that even TB Joshua failed to toughen this sleepy member. Another school of thought, a more plausible explanation on the health reasons why this woman left, is that our good old former Prime Minister is host to a deadly virus. Others even allege that the out of court settlement done with Locardia Karimatsenga  had so much financial returns for her as a result of damages to her immunity system.

Whichever way one looks at this, this scandal marks the end of a colourful political career for a very brave Morgan Tsvangirai. If he was Nikuved in the elections, this time he has been Lizkuved by Lizzy who answers to the Macheka surname. A spiritual trip through the scriptures would help counsel our former Prime Minister. King Lemuel was lucky enough to receive advice from his mother about women. In Proverbs 31 vs. 3, she said to her son; "Don't spend your energy on sex and all your money on women, they have destroyed Kings". True to this, a man who survived persecution and prosecution of the worst kind has succumbed to the horizontal act. Adios Save! To many of us they are wives; to you they must be knives now. When we call them vakadzi, you must be calling them vatadzi now. But to blame this woman alone without looking himself in the mirror would be totally unfair. He who pays the piper calls the tune and no matter how bad the melody is, dances to it. And to those who will inevitably bash me for this piece, remember, he that would have eggs must endure the crackling of hens.

Mso Ndlovu is a social and political commentator. He writes in his personal capacity. He can be contacted on msondlovu@gmail.com