This and that with Maluphosa: Beware, the ides of October!

Listen to this: "Due to a slight technical fault, the world was unable to end on Saturday May 21.Our technicians are however working flat-out on the problem and we will communicate once the issue has been resolved. We would like to apologize for any inconvenience caused. We can reassure our clients it will be in October." This is an e-mail I received from an anonymous source. He continues to say a sure sign that Jesus was on the way was the failure of communication: cell-phones, internet, land-lines etc. I have reminded him/ her that there is no mention of phones in the Bible, except if he uses the one that was written by the late Canaan Banana. But of course, they should apologise for the inconvenience they caused. Shezema nolonger wants to hear anything about Christians and their doctrine. He is enquiring about others such as Hindu, Bahai, Moslems and Traditionalists. He wants to know what they "Bibles" say about the end of the world. He was asking what Christianity was called before Christ came to the world. Any one who knows?

The late professor advocated re-writing the Bible. That would have been very interesting. Imagine "Mal'phosa 5 verse 30! What would I have said here? I have always believed that the Bible, unlike some other books afana le Geography, Psychology or any other subject, cannot be re-written and still have the same inspiration on Christians as it has now. But we can draw important lessons from it, and apply them on our daily lives. The Bible is supposed to have been written by Jesus' contemporaries and disciples-hence those who follow its teachings are called Christians; well at least after the New Testament. What will we call those who write the Bible according to Canaan Banana's teachings? Bananians? Canaanians? According to Mal'phosa's teachings?

So, the Bible is fine. One cannot fix what is not broken. The bible has served okhokho well, was applicable kwezabobaba impilo, and shall always be applicable to every generation, World without end, Amen!

Last week I saw on TV a group of angry demonstrators singing Dubul'ibhunu. Well, only this time it was not dubul'ibhunnu meaning ibhunu. No. it was directed at a monkey that was accused of speaking Sotho. My word! When did you last hear of animals talking. I for one ngezwa inganekwane. Even those funny birds imprisoned for life by amakhiwa. Oppolly, I have never heard them talk. The demonstrators interviewed claimed the monkey was used for witch-craft by some-one they knew. They promised that in the next service delivery protest they will deal with the suspect.

So now you see, it is not just humanity that suffers because of this belief in witchcraft; animals too are caught up in the cross-fire.

What is it with elections? Think of the mud-slinging, the dirt-digging, the deaths, the rigging, the what-what, you name it.

Fifa elections, if they can be called so, were held last week, with one candidate. And the results were announced even when it was so embarrassingly obvious he had won. Won what? To win there must be some competition. If ugijima wedwa and then you tell us you have won, you surely need your head to be examined.

Towards elections, the power-hungry and blood-thirsty candidates ensure they get to the top, no matter how many casualties they trample upon. This is how we have known elections in our Africa. Instead of concentrating on their manifestos, parties go all out to besmirch and smear all kinds of dirt on their opponents. They themselves have nothing to offer and therefore bark continuously about the others' weaknesses. Just like a diffident suitor who tries to win the love of a girl by dressing down his rivals, instead of marketing himself well.

Very sad. Suppose Mal'phosa wanted to run in some election; they would say hey, this guy was caught cheating in a test in 1975 (when I was in grade one), or he married a woman one month his senior, or he once proposed to his lady teacher in 1985. How does this really help to solve service delivery issues facing the constituents? Not that there have been any service delivery protests in our country: never! We have gone for years without money, food, water, refuse collection et cetera,. But do we ever protest? Not by any inch. Bayethe Bantu bakithi. All of you are heroes.

A few people want ukuba ngo president and the rest of us must suffer.

Is there no other method that can be used to choose a president, say, like the Royal Rumble? Take all these twenty or so buffoons who want to be presidents, put them in the ring and let them have a go at each other. Any of them who are thrown out of the ring over the rope are disqualified! Or pit them in an "I quit match"? If this were applied the world over, most of these guys who weigh 23 kg would not be presidents, that's for sure!

My friend who teaches at some urban school in Johannesburg had a few shocks after he gave his children an exercise on Izaga. One of the questions read: Kulele kunye, ngabe kubili-------. And one student wrote "Nga kubili bekuzovuka kukuthathe tisha!" One other cheeky girl said "Okunye bekuzoba preg." The rest of the proverbs: ikhotha- - -ice-cream. Indlu yegagu - - - iya extendwa. Hamba juba - - - ma sudinwe yikuphapha. Well it reminded me of one of my students who said lembul'ingubo lingene - - - ijaha! Ngiyabonga mina.