Mystery of a kitchen party

Chipo's dream was slowly becoming a reality. To her, the kitchen party was surely a confirmation that soon she would be walking down the aisle. On the morning of the party she woke up early as she could not sleep wondering what tomorrow would be like. She prepared for the day in an anticipatory fashion. It was on the 12th of July 2014 and counting down, only seven days were left to her special day. The party was to be held at number 8 Lincoln Street in Belvedere, Harare at her aunt's place of residence at 2pm.

It is customary to throw a kitchen party for the bride to be, often a week before her special day for the white wedding which was approaching too fast. Selected experienced female speakers who conversant with social issues in the marriage institution are invited to lecture how on one fits into the new situation alongside a souse who is supposed to be a life partner.

Topics to be dissected on such events range from home management, grooming etiquette, bed-room horizontal gymnastics, pleasing the husband, romantic communication skills and financial management.

Apart from her close family members, a few of Chipo's close-mates were also invited. Not too many people were invited. They were about fifteen to twenty people who were all above the age of eighteen years.

A kitchen party is a pre-wedding party and is a great fun to ladies in the contemporary times. The prime objective is to assist the bride by equipping her emotionally for a new home. Not only that, but also done so that the bride can adequately celebrate the life event coming up and the only chance to properly say goodbye to girlhood.

The origins of the kitchen party are not well known. Some argue that it came from Belgium, others say it started in Holland, while others say they were mainly celebrated in United States of Amrerica, Canada and Australia. However, nowadays kitchen parties are now celebrated everywhere and Africa is no exception.

Traditionally, the maid of honour plans the party. Today, anything goes and it's perfectly acceptable for both the family and friends to work together in organising. It does not really matter who host the party as long as it is actually planned well in advance.

In this case, Chipo's aunt hosted the party and she involved the bride in everything she was planning. At first, her family wanted to throw a surprise kitchen party for her, but the surprise was ruined by Chipo's little sister Nyasha who spilled the beans.

The family then learnt that it was necessary to include the bride be in the planning process when it comes to setting a date and time. The day which they wanted to do her surprise party, she was not able to attend because she was going for a pre- marital counselling with the bridegroom.

The theme of her party was, "Mukadzi chinhu chakanaka chinonaka" (A wife is beautiful and sweet) and it was chosen before the invitations were sent. This theme accompanied all the invitations.

Invited speakers were the melodramatic Mrs Utete, wife to Pastor Utete of AFM Belvedere assembly, Pastor Rachel from ZAOGA city assembly and Mrs Tinago from Anglican Church.

As soon as the bride arrived on the day of the party, she was commanded to wear a very big apron. She was then given a broom, a dust pan, some kitchen utensils and was asked to sit alone in front of the quests. Apparently, this is how a house wife looks like. Pictures were taken and videos were being recorded. People were making fun out of it.

Chipo is my close friend and I felt pity for her. I could see tears running down her cheeks. All I could do at that moment was to give her some facial tissues to wipe off the tears.

Honestly, I knew Chipo as someone who loved being the epi-centre of attraction, but on this day she was not herself, with all eyes cast on her and people making fun out of her, she was not the Chipo I had known before. After the meal, (which the bride tried to slow down by eating extremely slow so that she could gain some composure), the Director of Ceremony (DC), Mrs Nyagomo, stood up and advised people that whoever wants to say something was to say the function theme first and she repeated the theme, "mukadzi chinhu chakanaka chinonaka". Failure to do so, it would attract a fine of a $1.

She then chased away all single girlst. Also the bridegroom's mother was told to leave. The DC introduced herself as "Ramba Irimo" (It should stay in) which she said was her bedroom nick-name. Everyone was to introduce herself in the same fashion, that is, introducing herself with her bedroom pseudonym.

The lady who was seated on the front row introduced herself as BBC which she said it means "Bvisa Burugwa Chopaz"(Remove the under fast), followed by the other lady who said she is "Tonhodza Zvinopisa" (Cool-down the hot staff). I was seated next to Tonhodza Zvinopisa and I paid the fine since I had no bedroom name.

At the end of the day I learnt that everyone had a bedroom name. The other names were DVD meaning "Dako Vakomana Dako" (Buttocks bous buttocks), MN translated as "Mboro Ndizvo" (Penis is good), "Nhatitapi" (Sweet), "Gara Irimo" (Keep it locked-in), "Sugar Mutape" (Sweet sugar), "Tapi Tapi" (Sweet-sweet) and the least goes on and on like that.

The DC introduced the first speaker, Pastor Rachel. Pastor Rachel after the theme, She opened up with a prayer which made everyone to laugh out loud.

"Regai tidzore zvakare maziso tinamate. Haleluya! Iyemi wemapeche, iyemi wematinji, Ndoda kutenda mapeche ose asangana mukati meimba ino. Ndisingakanganwe iyo mboro.Tinoda kukutendai Mwari matiitira nyasha kutititaure hukuru hwekusvirana". (I would like to thank all female organs for coming without forgetting the penis. I would like to thank you God for giving us this opportunity to discuss bedroom issues…), said Pastor Rachel.

The hour which Pastor Rachel spent in front of us seemed longer than a year to me and I am sure those were the longest sixty minutes ever to Chipo as well but we survived it. The bride was now very silent such that I could hear the echoes of silence. Pastor Rachel articulated matters on bedroom issues. She also lectured how to sexually arouse a husband. She warned ladies against the nuisance of reporting cases of rape against their husbands. According to her there is no such thing of husbands raping their wives.
I joked around and laughed and attempted to look like I was enjoying myself, but I was not being myself. I am not really sure as to how I made it through and it was terrible. I did not appreciate everything they did.

Pastor Rachel gave advices which I personally think she never followed. It was a tired advice under the guise of "getting ready for marriage" when she knew for a fact that the information is untrue. We all know that such information will not solve any marital problems that might arise and will cause divorces in most marriages. The party left my poor friend more confused about real life challenges and how to deal with them.

She said if your husband is having an affair do not ask him about it because he will be angry thus a noble wife should act as if everything is normal. She has to perform all wifely duties, for instance, preparing her husband's favourite meal, keeping the house clean and must not deny her husband sex. According to Pastor Rachel, he will eventually feel guilty end the illicit affair. She was of the view that all men cheat their spouses.

Really, with the increase in infection rates of HIV and AIDS in Africa, is this really the way of dealing with a cheating husband. Should women sit back and relax until he is tired of sleeping around?

Another speaker, Mrs Utete, said you ought to cook for your husband and kids everyday even if you are tired. She encouraged women not to leave such duties to the maid or she will end up snatching your husband because what you do for him is what brings you together and boost your intimate passion.

I totally agreed that it is essential to have a nice clean home and it is liberating to know that you can cook a good meal, wash and iron for your husband's clothes. However, when you have a six month old baby, and you have been kept all night by the baby, should you not let the maid do some of the work while you catch up on the much needed rest.

Mrs Utete advised the bride to keep her home clean, which is very good and true. She went on to say women spend too much time at kitchen parties and salons and as a result they neglect their homes thus causing men to go out in search of fun and entertainment. Surely, how can one learn whilst she is by herself in her house?

Tatenda Malaba who has been married for two years said, "Sometimes women pre-occupy themselves with social functions because their husband are rarely at home."

The last speaker, Mrs Tinago told the ladies that as Christians, they must commit themselves to marriage as long as they live.

"You two are the only people who will work to make your marriage last (with God's help). Divorce is not an option. There are times when it is very hard and you will no doubt, experience those times but God is gracious and He helps us to say the most important words, "I am sorry", and "I love you." From her words I learnt that problems in marriages are inevitable but the couple will have to work out their problems.

After the party, I had the privilege to talk to the bride. I asked her how she felt and how the party was, she said, ‘I am now even more confused and now scared to get married. This is not what I expected. I don't think that the advices given are close to reality and the time we are living in. I think kitchen party is a platform used by older women who thinks they know it all and pastors' wives to oppress other women.

Tariro Mbona is of the view that men equally need to be counselled on how to keep their marriages. It could be that lack knowledge on real life issues that perpetuate their fidelity.

Clearly, its high time bridal showers should be turned into platforms used to challenge abuse by men, domestic violence and protecting themselves from HIV and AIDS pandemic.

The idea of sending-off my friend with a kitchen party was good. I appreciated it but how they went about it was another story.

Chipo's fiancée picked her up after the party. She cried all the way home.  It probably would not have been so bad if she wasn't extremely emotional. To begin with, really, it was not the best experience.

Kitchen parties are meant to be fun and educative. They do need a lot of planning and organisation in advance but to some extent they are worth it.  The bride received great gifts. The party is also an excuse to get together with friends and family to have one whole of a time.     
   
Mufaro Gracious Marira is a student of Journalism and Communication at Christian College of Sothern Africa (CCOSA)