This n that with Maluphosa - Ngubani obethela umuzi

My friend went home recently and received the shock of his life. His home looked strange - just three months after he went to work in Botswana. The curtains would not have caught his attention had it not been for their colour and unfamiliar logo on them. Then he looked around, more carefully; he had seen this colour somewhere. Yes, at his friends' in Joburg. The friend had subsequently divorced his wife because she had suddenly transformed into an unconscious zombie immune to any form of thought and advise!.
While he pondered the meaning of these new circumstances, his wife brought him some tea in a china mug, of the same colour and with the same symbol. And to cap it all, she had on a t-shirt of the same colour, a matching duke and scarf all with the symbol of the church. He declined the tea and asked for some cool drink instead. And the glass too, was tinted with the same colour and symbol and statement. He decided he was not going to take the drink too and instead asked for a glass of water. Inkomitsho yezenge too wore the same suit. This made him both uncomfortable and lost.

He pretended to sip the water and complained about exhaustion from the journey. Entering the bedroom, he almost chocked from disbelief. The bed and dressing table wore the same suit too - all sky blue with red letters skillfully arted on them. Neatly folded on the bed, were the wife's blouse, scarf, cap, hat, duke - all being regalia of the same church. The sleepers too, peeped from underneath the bed as if to hide from embarrassment. He stood transfixed near the bed, looking around for any slight sign of the home he knew. The calendar that he had put up just before New Year had been replaced by this one, with the head of a handsome man as if appearing from some fluffy clouds, and with one arm raised.

Emakhanda, where his lindamuzi of induku once stood, a wooden spear peeped from a white plastic bag. Next to it was an umbrella of the same colour and an assortment of half burnt candles and some yellowish strap of cloth and knotted string. He was reaching out to pick the spear when his wife abruptly appeared at the door and shouted, 'Hayi Hayi ungabambi!' And he stood there, helpless, stunned, petrified. Light-headed, he slumped heavily onto the bed and before his head hit the pillow, the wife dove and said again 'Mana'. She shoved her trembling hand under the pillow and pulled out a handful of something which she obviously did not want the husband to see, and threw it into her hand bag. The man wondered what else has been removed or replaced from its rightful place around here. And where else or what else am I not supposed to touch emzini wami?

Apparently the woman had created her own little utopia or dreamland or shrine - to hell with what anyone else thought about it. Well, this is one of those few cases that torment men out of marriages almost on a daily basis.

Ngubani obethela umuzi kanti vele? When we grew up, ubaba used to do these things without even telling us what and why; and we never questioned his activities. Bekungumuzi wakhe anyway, and we were his children, or property. All he did was try to protect his family from abathakathi and place us in good standing with ama dlozi akithi. We saw nothing wrong with that. It was the norm everywhere emzini yesintu. Father would bring a sangoma from Bulawayo on a Friday, having made the arrangements without anyone knowing. Suddenly there was a state of emergency - sekuhlatshwa imbuzi during the night and sekugezwa ngezihlahla, kunathwe kukhunywe kuphetshethwe kuchelwe kugcotshwe kucatshwe - all under the cover of the night. The sangoma, having finished his task would leave again under the cover of the night. A week or two later, father would bring another one to re-enforce. And he was never challenged. He would pay in cash or kind - but mostly in kind - ngembuzi or inkomo, depending on the scope of the job. Mother was very supportive; she understood very well because she also came from a family which practiced the same ways.

If there were evil spirits that needed to be exorcised, father would bring his sangoma and lead us all to the bush where we would spend half the cold night at the mercy of the sangoma. We would jump over fires or streams or bushes or pots or spears or potholes filled with medicine mixed with umswane wembuzi or wemvu and eat small pieces of roasted or boiled meat dipped in vinegary and pungent herbs. The after-taste would last till the next sangoma comes along, whenever that was. We were scared. Yes, sangomas used to be scary too - the way they looked, walked, talked and the way they went about their tasks. They never smoked Madison or drank Doan Juan or Johnny Walker or Castlelite or Seven Cousins. They never drove USVs no. Bekusadliwa ngoludala; ezamanje lazo sezifana labafundisi bakhona.

Even if there were spirits to be appeased, father would organize this and we would just play a supportive role - bringing home gallons and gallons of water and loads of fire-wood, and going around inviting guests. If for some reason mama wanted to thethela her own amadlozi, she would go to her home ematojeni and do it there with her folk. Otherwise umama was considered umntwana walapha ekhaya and ulesabelo in all we do here. Our ancestors know her, and have accepted her as one of their own. And so, if besibiza thina, ngeke bamdlule laye.

But now, uJesu lidlozi lemizi yonke. You can thethela him even while you walk or bathe or cry or curse or cruise or visit - anywhere - never mind the inconvenience this will cause others. Anyone who disapproves ule Satanism! Despite what Jesus taught about women being loyal and obedient to husbands, abafundisi are teaching exactly the opposite. They have given freedom to the so-called modern woman to despise our ways as heads of families. Our word is taken for granted and almost always countered with 'Ubaba uthi kwenziwe kanje', or some piece of convenient scripture or verse from the Bible.

But my friend does not go to church and has never attended any church service that was not a funeral wake or wedding. There is usually a problem when couples attend different churches and the only thing they have in common is their belief in Jesus. The walls of their residence are decorated differently every day; the husband puts up a calendar with his own mfundisi's head because he wants to be identified with the 'Church of Later day Haleluyas' and the wife pulls it down when the hubby goes out because she wants to be identified with the 'Church of Rock Melting Amens'. The arguments are never ending and the religious or denominational differences chip in at every argument. But those who go to church tell us the bible instructs women to follow inkolo yakwabozala to avoid conflict.

The same abafundisi are giving married women stuff to use to protect homes without consulting with heads of families. When these two worlds collide, it ceases to be a spiritual war but a personal one that threatens to rightfully tear families apart. We become lawyers for our respective churches - lawyers that are prepared to lose limb or life or both for our bafundisi. We forget that Jesus never wanted lawyers but witnesses.

Abafundisi have also taught teenagers to despise what we as parents prescribe for common problems. It is not surprising therefore to find a group of teenagers all queued up at the door of some prophet like tracks of songs in an MP3 player, and reshuffling again and again giggling at one another's imagined or real problems. And because they are not known for compliance in anything, they will drop this prophet because he told them what they weren't expecting to hear, or didn't tell them what they wanted to hear. 'Agh, uyabhayiza u-ankel. Akula net-work la', they say as they move on to the next one.
And this is when there are zones in the house - this side kuhlala ezikamama, that side ezika bhudi oku grade five, that side ezomntwana ose crèche, by the door ngezika baba esimthathele zona. The father has never complained of anything but bayamthathela kuphela, baze bamthengele lengubo elegama lesonto, le skhava, le wallet, le handkerchief lamasocks le t-shirt le umbrella- all colours of the church mama and the children go to. Abafundisi bayayenza imali yeyi! And when father comes home and says no to whatever mama brought him, ule Satanism or 'Hhaa! Lendod'ibolile ngama dimoni!'

I only started visiting a sangoma when I already had my third born child. And he had a problem with inkanda. Still the sangoma was not impressed; Uphi uyihlo? Every time I thought there was a need to consult, I would go to my father and he would need a convincing explanation before he went there on my behalf. He would come back with an answer and ask if I was satisfied or still needed to consult further. Manje, these teenagers uhlangana labo bephethe amatswayi lamanzi lenhlabathi lentambo leziphika lama vinegar - all bought from their respective Churches. Any wonder why they are so gullible they will do anything the mfundisi orders them to, regardless of how embarrassing or disgusting it is? A friend tells me it's so difficult to date a Christian these days; they will get to a restaurant and order rat pie or snake pizza or grass salad, and some petrol as wash-down.

And I ask, if you are still at an age where you are still being looked after by your parents, uhlutshwa yini? Why all this desperation? Yikho bezalidlisa ihlafias!

Ngiyabonga mina!