My mother is engaging in sex with a man who is too young for her

Hi Sis Noe
My ex-boyfriend wants me back but I am concerned he is just after sex because he has not told me he loves me. He just talks about the great sex we used to have and always talks dirty. I am desperate to be in a relationship but I am scared that he will hurt me again. What do I do?

Reply
I cannot say whether he is genuine or is just after sex. What I can tell you is to trust your instinct. If you are going to take him back make it clear that you may have history together, but that doesn't entitle him to any sex just yet. Tell him that you insist on taking things slowly, so that you can get to know each other all over again. Make sure that you set the pace regarding sex. Above all, be certain he is not using you.

Hi Sis Noe
My mother is engaging in with a man who is too young for her. I don't know how old he is but I think he is younger than me. The worst part of it all is that whenever he sleeps at home they make loud sex. My mother seems to be in love with him but I am scared that he is using her. Help

Reply
Your mother sounds like she is having the time of her life. She is crazy in love and throwing caution to the wind. You may not approve of her boyfriend or her new lifestyle, but I doubt that she is actually asking for your approval or permission. You didn't mention a husband so I am guessing that your father is either deceased or they divorced — that gives her a right to do what she wants. They are both adults. You may cringe every time her bedsprings creak, but at least she sounds happy — if only for the moment. I suspect she feels that this is her time now. I am sure that she is acutely aware that her boyfriend is not for keeps — he is just a passing phase. But if he gives her great sex and makes her feel good about herself, so he will certainly do for the moment.

I suggest you keep out of his way if he winds you up too much. Don't be too quick to judge, because none of us ever knows just what's around the corner. I know of a few women who have wed men who are younger than them. Maybe her boyfriend will take her to the cleaners and break her heart — but that could happen with anyone, at any age. Just make sure she knows that you love and support her and will always be around to offer help. And if it all breaks down and she is left heartbroken, promise never to say: "I told you so".

Hi Sis Noe
I met this guy in Victoria Falls at the carnival and we had a good time together. We also had mind blowing sex. After the carnival we went our separate ways. He had promised to call but he has not. I have tried his number but it is not reachable. Was I used or something happened to him. What can I do Sis Noe?

Reply
There is nothing you can do, but to treasure the moments you had with him because chances of him contacting you are as high as the survival prospects of an ice cube in a heat wave. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you have to let this guy go. I am in no doubt that you had the best time of your life up in Victoria Falls, but if you simply cannot find him, then you must conclude that he doesn't wish to be found. He could have gone abroad or be married with children for all you know. There is also the possibility that he is a fantasist who makes a habit of picking up women wherever he goes.

If anything, maybe you have to count yourself lucky that you emerged from your time together with nothing more than a few hurt feelings. I worry that you will continue to drive yourself crazy looking for a man who is not available or around. Then there is the very real possibility that if you do find him, that he is not as sexy or wonderful as you remember. He could turn out to be a very ordinary person, with issues and problems of his own, who is actually a bit of a disappointment. Draw a line under this episode. Yes, the night was great while it lasted, but it's over now. It is time to move on and embrace your next proper relationship with a man who is not out for games.

Hi Sis Noe
I don't know what to do or who to turn to. I found my best friend engaging in with my boyfriend when I came home early. This happened on Saturday, since then I have not seen my boyfriend. My best friend has been apologising but I am so hurt that I delete her messages without reading them and I don't answer her calls. — Confused

Reply
Why do you still call her your best friend? She slept with your man; she does not deserve to be called your friend, let alone your best friend. engaging in in your home was beyond betrayal. They invaded your space, broke your trust and insulted you.

Tell your boyfriend to stay in hiding forever — it's over. You might be tempted to seek revenge, but consider your dignity and your reputation. You are better than them. Vow to be the bigger adult here and try to rise above the tackiness of this whole situation. Wish the two of them the best of luck, because they deserve each other and they will need it.

Hi Sis Noe
My boyfriend does not want to use condoms when we have sex. We tested for HIV and we are both negative. The problem is that he says he does not want to have children and expects me to do all the pregnancy prevention and I think it's unfair because he does not assist me to buy the contraceptives. I am always forced to buy the morning after pills using my own money. The other problem is that he has two children with other women and I heard that he does not support them. Help

Reply
The fact that he has two children with two different women and he does not support those children should worry you. Do you really want to be the third woman he impregnates and leaves? What concerns me is his head-in-the-sand inflexibility. If he was more mature and willing to meet you halfway, then you could talk about your feelings and your fears before reaching a compromise. As it is, he is totally unbending, even in emergency circumstances. For your information, the morning-after pill was never designed to be used instead of condoms, the Pill, the cap or any other type of regular contraception. This is a form of emergency contraception and, as the word suggests, it is to be used in cases of emergency, when a condom has split or one has forgotten to take the regular pill. Consistently popping emergency contraceptives can lead to sickness and heavy bleeding, plus a messed-up menstrual cycle. I urge you to have a long, hard think about the whole nature of this relationship. I am not convinced that this man has your best interests at heart or makes you happy.