Snippet of the Marriage Customs of Bakalanga bhe Budeti

Bakalanga bhe Budeti are spread all over Boteti sub district in Botswana, starting from the extreme north western village of Makalamabedi up to Mosu in the eastern part of the sub district. They are predominant in the villages of Tsienyane, Mmadikola, Xhumo, Mopipi, Letlhakane and Mosu.
 
Their arrival in Boteti is said to have been in the early 1900s when they came in dribs and drabs from the Wankie/Hwange area of present day Zimbabwe. According to F. S. Zufferey in his 1983  study of local institutions in Mopipi and surrounding areas, notable leaders of the different Bakalanga groups that came to Boteti included among others Ntewane, Malisa, Nkosho and Sekeletu.

Over time they spread all over along the Boteti River, interacting with other ethnic groups such as Bayei, Badeti, Bakhurutshe, Shuakhwe, Gganakhwe, Badanisana, Banandzwa, Bekuhane, Ovaherero and Ovambaderu.

The interaction between different ethnic groups of Boteti, naturally led to a lot of mutual cultural borrowings that define the present languages, customs and traditions found in the area. Bakalanga bhe Budeti, for example, use a few ‘clicking' words probably borrowed from the Khwe such as Xhoro which means a stony area where the river is shallow. Nonetheless, there are certain customs and traditions that still remain unique to each ethnic group such as the marriage practices.

When a man wants to marry a Nkalanga woman from Budeti, there are essential steps that must be followed unfailingly. Failure to follow such steps may lead to charges being preferred against the bridegroom's party or even delays in the marriage process itself. The charges however, are never stiff but just token penalties meant to remind the groom's party about the importance of following due practice.

For a man to marry a Nkalanga lady from Budeti, first he must find her, propose and the two of them agree about their intentions to get married. The next step would then be for the marriage proposal to be made to the lady's family which calls for a Dombo.

Dombo is a go-between and a pathfinder known in other circles as Rraditsela or Mmaditsela depending on gender. This is a person who should necessarily be competent in the cultural intricacies and nuances of delivering the messages from the man's parents to the women's parents.  An incompetent dombo may lead to some extra charges to be meted against the bridegroom's people.

For the Bakalanga of Budeti, a woman's hand in marriage is officially asked from one of her paternal uncles. This can either be batetenini, a younger brother of the woman's father or batenkulu an elder brother of the woman's father.

In making the first contact the dombo is required to arrive at the home of either the woman's batetenini or batenkulu well before sunrise and sit at the gate until invited to enter. If the dombo is a man, he should wait in a crouching position (Ku dundubala) and if a woman she should sit with her legs either crossed (Ku fhunya) or straightened in front of her (Ku tandabala).

The dombo on being invited to enter, and after preliminary greetings delivers the message from the people who have sent him or her and the name of the woman that they are interested in. If the uncle knows the mentioned woman, he would simply reply that the message has been received and that he would revert to the dombo in due course.

The next step would be for the uncle to call a meeting to be attended by both the paternal and maternal relatives of the sought woman. At the meeting, after the uncle has delivered the message, the paternal aunts (Bo Mmadzi) and the spouses of the maternal uncles (Bakadzi ba BoBasekulu) would be tasked with confirming with the sought woman whether she knows the suitor.

If the woman confirms that indeed she knows the suitor and agrees to the marriage proposal, the family then sets the dowry price (dzwilipo) to be communicated to the dombo. Normally dzwilipo are set in terms of livestock, specifically cattle and goats. These however can be translated into money with a cow ranging at around P1500.00 and a goat at about P500.00.

In addition to dzwilipo, an extra cow called thagela/ku tsama jarata/ku thaga likuta may be charged if the suitor has a child with the wife to be. Also this cow may be charged if the suitor at one time had been caught on a clandestine visit to the woman at her parents' home. This serves to ‘punish' the suitor for having figuratively eaten the cake before being officially served.

When an agreement is reached in the dzwilipo to be levied against the suitor's family, it is then up to the paternal uncle to meet with the dombo and deliver the reply. The ball would then be on the other family's court to prepare and propose a date when they would bring the dzwilipo.

On the day of dzwilipo, the bride's family would have slaughtered a cow or cows as well as goats for a big feast. Traditional beer (mokuru/mberere) would have been brewed in abundance and the yard would be a hive of activities for the marriage (ndobolo). However, before the acceptance of dzwilipo, ululations (mpululu) would be on hold.

The suitor's entourage, led by the dombo is expected to arrive before sunrise and sit a respectable distance away from the yard. The dombo accompanied by two or three relatives of the suitor would then proceed to the gate where they would wait until invited in.

When the woman's family is ready, it is then that the dombo together with those accompanying him or her are invited to enter. Normally the woman's family would be waiting in an artistically decorated mud lapana. After brief preliminary niceties, the floor would be given to the dombo to state what they have brought.

Dzwilipo are never a negotiable matter and have to be brought as required, but if the shortfall is small, a plea from a shrewd dombo on behalf of the man's family may be accepted. When dzwilipo are finally accepted, the air would be punctuated with mpululu thus announcing to all and sundry that a marriage has been officialised. The rest of the suitor's party is then invited with ululations to enter the yard in a solemn procession with heads bowed.

The receipt of dzwilipo symbolizes that a marriage that is recognized and blessed by all members of the family has taken place. From that moment, the man and woman are husband (nlume) and wife (nkadzi). A new relationship is instantly created and the husband's family become bakwasha while that of the nkadzi become bakalabgwa. To strengthen this relationship and for the two families to get to know each other better, they spend the day together feasting, merry making and generally dialoging until evening.

In the evening before the husband's family leaves, the new bride is brought before married members of the two families where members of her family give her final advice on how to conduct herself as a married Nkalanga woman. A date is then set when the woman will be brought to her husband's home.

Sending the woman to her husband's home which is known as ku kotosa has to be done in a specific way starting with the ‘walk-stop-sit-up-walk-stop-sit' custom or tshetshetshe and the requirement for the wife and her mother to stay incommunicado until certain rites are performed (ku kashika).  However this will be a subject for another day.