A 'marriage' of shame

A rather strange civil court case was heard in Bulawayo recently in which a man begged a magistrate to evict the man's daughter and her lover from his (the man's) house.

The daughter had been living with her lover at her maiden home in spite of very strong opposition from her father and her siblings.

She defied their demands for her and her lover to look for alternative accommodation elsewhere because it is by and large against customary practice and norms for a man who has married into a family to move into and live in the home of his wife's parents.

The normal practice is for the newly married woman to move into her husband's home or into the husband – acquired accommodation.  It is the bridegroom who goes to "take" and bring the bride to his home and not vice versa.

That is why in all Zimbabwean languages, the man "takes" a wife. Indoda iyathatha umfazi; nlume unotola nkadzi; mukadzi mutorwa. Having left her maiden home for her marital home, the woman is henceforth called "Mrs – Her – Husband's – Family – Name."

In cases where a girl has eloped with a lover, the lover's parents or any other appropriate next – of – kin discreetly sends a message saying "Dingelani ngapha; Hakilani ngeno; Tsvagirai kuno."

The bearer of that message takes a sum of money enough for transport expenses for at least one or two people to enable them to travel between the girl's home and that of her prospective husband to start traditional marital process.

In a case similar to the subject of this article where the man is the "taken" instead of being the "taker", there could not be such a message, of course, because customary practice has been broken.

We often talk about the importance of respecting our national culture, but seldom, if ever, do we identify and analyse our respective tribal cultures.

Each tribal community has its own religious cultures, culinary (kitchen or food and beverages) culture, land (agri-) culture, attire culture, architecture, performing culture, visual arts, and marital culture.

If performing and visual arts feature in this discussion, it is because culture is really art and other manifestations of human intellectual achievement taken or considered collectively.

That simply means that culture means more than traditional and/ or customary practices, norms and mores. Culture identifies a community or a people.

However, in this particular instance, we are dealing with a case of a man who according to common Zimbabwean practice turned himself or was turned into a woman's role in a marital process.

His wife eloped with him to her maiden home instead of him taking her to his home.

In the event the two had children, they would have grown at their maternal uncle's instead of at their paternal home, which they would have never had according to our culture. That would have cut across Zimbabwe's patriarchal cultural norms and practices.

Rare cases where husbands live temporarily at their wives' maiden homes occur where foreign men are forced by circumstances to do so while they are still processing their residential permits.

That happens occasionally in the rural areas where chiefs or headmen would be clearly aware of the man's presence so that in case of the man's death, his next-of-kin can be briefed accordingly.

In urban centres, a man who wishes to marry or to live with a woman as husband and wife, looks for accommodation over which he has both responsibility and authority, even if as a lodger, but certainly not under the same roof as his parents-in-law unless he is himself looking after them for whatever reason.

The customary practice is that sons-in-law (abakhwenyana, bakwaha,vakwasha) may look after their in-laws but not the other way round.

It would be very inconvenient if a son-in-law died in the house or home of his wife's parents.  His next-of-kin would feel out of place during the funeral wake, and in the rural areas, it would also be quite awkward to bury him at his in -laws place.

In the event he is gainfully employed, he would spend a larger part of his earnings on his in-laws rather than on his parents.

That could cause tension and acrimony between his parents and those of his wife, his in-aws.

In Zimbabwean culture, men are heads of families, a position that carries authority, respect and responsibilities.

Authority and respect are greatly reduced where one head of one family is under another head of another family under the same roof, using the same kitchen and the same other facilities.

We can argue that there are many cases in many urban centres where residential conditions are so bad that four to six people sleep in one room, more or less in similar conditions as those of a police cell.

Such conditions are unhealthy and breed immorality, including incest.

While it is true that Zimbabwe's socio – economic condition are below most people's expectations, living conditions in the rural areas are healthier, less congested than in towns.

Many people in urban and peri-urban centres are not gainfully employed but continue to live in those centres for non- existent benefits such as social prestige.

Those in the rural areas have, as a general rule, much healthier living accommodation albeit less of other social amenities such as creches, schools, clinics, hospitals, libraries, sports and transport facilities.

A serious minded married couple would rather have a rural home than live in an overcrowded urban house, let alone a house belonging to the parents of the female member of the couple. In countries such as Botswana, Swaziland and Lesotho, behaviour that is contrary to national culture is punishable by either fines or imprisonment or by both.

It could improve the lives of every Zimbabwean if the country's civil laws, were based on our national culture.

Saul Gwakuba Ndlovu is a retired, Bulawayo – based journalist. He can be contacted on cell 0734 328 136 or through email. sgwakuba@gmail.com