Beware of joy snatchers in marriage

ENJOY life with your wife, whom you love all the days of this meaningless life that God has given you under the sun – all our meaningless days. For this is your lot in lift and in your toilsome labour under the sun. Life is to be enjoyed. God has given each one of us the capacity and the ability to enjoy life. If you are married, God's desire is that you enjoy life not all by yourself but with your spouse. It has never been and will never be God's plan for you to be miserable in your marriage.

The question to be asked then is, why is it that we have so many joy-starved marriages around? No marriage can ever be accidentally joyful. Marital joy is neither accidental nor automatic. Marriage on its own is not a joy producing institution. It does not make an unhappy person happy. Happiness is a choice. For you to have joy in your marriage, you must desire it, pursue, sustain and protect it.

Protect it against thieves of marital joy. Your conduct is the determining factor. What you do to your spouse or for your spouse as well as what you do not do to or for them can either bring joy or sadness in your marriage. Let us look at how joy is snatched from some marriages. Your knowledge of these things will help you to know what to avoid in your marriage.

Painful past
There is no one who does not have a past. Everyone has a past. You are a product of your past. Some of the things that you do in your marriage are a result of your past experiences.

Your childhood experiences as well as any experiences you may have had from previous relationships can affect your marriage today. What you bring into your marriage is what your marriage will be. Perhaps you have painful memories of your upbringing or you have painful experiences from a previous relationship.

If you bring into your marriage your pain from the past, you will have a painful marriage. If you bring sorrow into your marriage, you will have a sorrowful marriage. What you bring in is what you get. Garbage in, garbage out! You may be depriving yourself and your spouse of marital joy by digging into your awful past and dwelling on it. Stop it. Let the past be the past.

The Apostle Paul says: "Brothers, I do not consider myself to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do, forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heaven ward in Christ Jesus."

Stop living in the past
Focus on where you are going and not where you are coming from. Do not allow your mind to focus on the negative. Pay heed to the advice Apostle Paul gave to the Philippians when wrote: "Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things."

Perfectionism
Perfectionism is a disposition to feel that anything less than perfect is unacceptable. Everything must be perfect. You must be perfect, your spouse, children, marriage must be perfect, in-laws and everything must be perfect.

There must be no room for mistakes.

The fact of the matter is that no one is infallible. No one is perfect. It does not matter how spiritual you or your spouse maybe. The fact remains that both of you have your own weaknesses and shortcomings.

There is absolutely no basis upon which you can expect perfection from people who live in a fallen world in which all men have sinned and fallen short of the Glory of God. If you are a perfectionist, marital joy will elude you. Perfectionism is an unreachable goal. It sets you up for a life of stress, tension, anger, disappointment, frustration and depression as you continually fail to reach your unrealistic standards.

Annoying habits
A habit is a pattern of behaviour acquired through frequent repetition. It is not every habit that is good. It is not every habit that is pleasing. Some habits are bad, annoying and irritating. In your marriage, your annoying habits are those things which your spouse frequently complains about.

It is those things which you do without giving any thought to them and without any regard to how your spouse feels such as leaving one's clothes scattered all over the floor instead of putting them in the laundry basket, wetting the bed at night or habitual lateness.

Annoying habits are not edifying. They speak of insensitivity and resistance to change. Annoying habits and joy cannot co-exist.

(To be continued)

Pastors Davison and Gwen Kanokanga are founders of Impact Christian Centre and The Marriage Centre. Feedback: davison@kanokangalawfirm.net