Can I loan lobola money to my partner?

I want to become a polygamist

Amai, I hope you are doing well. I have been dating a girl for the past two years although I have a wife. I am 32 and my wife is 25. We have three kids together.

My girlfriend has been understanding, but now she has changed and has started giving me conditions. As of now, I do not have money for lobola; I want her to do what we call kutizira.

She can come to stay with me as my second wife then I will pay later. I have also allowed her to bring a child from another relationship if she so wishes. I am now back at work, we had dialled it back due to the pandemic, but she is turning down my proposal. I love this woman with all my heart.

Amai, I do not want to lose her, but she is now playing hard to get. My parents have said yes to this, so I will push for it even if my first wife is not happy about the idea of polygamy. Please help me, what can I do to make her appreciate this great offer?

Response

Hello writer, I am very well and thanks for asking. I find it strange that you want to force polygamy on your wife. She has to be on board from the beginning, otherwise you will most likely gain a new one and lose your current one.

She may even sue you for adultery if your registered marriage exclusively states that it does not support polygamy. The fact that the idea displeases her means you have been having an affair all along. You cannot even afford to marry this girlfriend of yours, what makes you think having an additional wife and stepchild move in will be any easier?

This is a selfish and poorly thought-out plan. How can your parents say yes to something that has nothing to do with them? I advise you to apologise to your wife and try to resolve issues in your marriage. If left unchecked, this setup will all come crashing down like a house of cards.

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Can I loan lobola

money to my partner?

I am a 22-year-old woman in love with a person of the same age. We are both gainfully employed and get on very well. We have set a date for lobola in April this year.

He has been saving money for our day religiously. Recently, he stated that his sister asked for half of the money to pay fees. He has now come up with two conditions: He said either I must give him a loan that he will pay back after lobola or we push our marriage date back to December.

He says he cannot put his sister under pressure because it may take some time before she pays back the funds - she is a single parent and struggling. Amai, this is Catch 22 for me. I do not know what to believe and what to do. I am so heartbroken I feel as if I have wasted three good years dating this guy. I desperately need your advice.

 Response

Hello writer and thanks for writing in. Your story sounds very strange. My biggest question is: Was he not assisting his sister all along and why has it become a stumbling block now as the date nears?

Culturally, he is supposed to be the one that gives a token of appreciation to your family for raising a wife for him. I do not see the logic in you loaning him money to do this. Otherwise you are practically marrying yourself. Lobola is not about outrageous amounts of money but a ceremony to unite two families together.

Urge him to honour the April date and bring the amount he will have left after assisting his sister. After all, any outstanding balance can be given to his future in-laws over the years. Draw your line in the sand and tell him that you feel the time is ripe.

If he finds another excuse to weasel out of the April date, then you will know it goes beyond finances. You can then make an informed decision of whether the relationship must come to an end or not. I also encourage the two of you to go for premarital counselling and iron out any outstanding issues or butterflies that may be affecting things. I wish you all the best.

Landlord is a bother

Amai, I hope I find you well. I am a disgruntled tenant. I am a 26-year-old single guy. I have a two-bedroomed self-contained cottage.

My landlord does not understand that it is for my comfort; that is why I pay the exorbitant rent he charges. When he runs out of room for his male visitors, he sends them to my cottage to sleep over. I do not like this at all although I sheepishly agree.

Last week, I told him I was going for a workshop and he asked for my keys since he was expecting some visitors and I refused to budge. How can I trust people I do not know in my house? Especially during my absence.

When I came back he never spoke to me, he is in a foul mood. This makes me very uncomfortable; I do not know what to do. I do not have a lease, we did everything verbally. How can I make myself understood without ruffling his feathers, Amai?

Response

I am very well and thanks for asking. Congratulations on standing your ground. Once you move into a space, you deserve to be treated with respect as long as you abide by the rules.

The fact that you do not have a lease puts you in a tricky situation. He is already in a foul mood, so agitating him further will most likely result in you being given notice.

Start looking for new accommodation, preferably a place you do not have to share with the landlord. Have an ironclad lease and have someone you trust in the real estate or legal fraternity to go over it. It will serve you well in future.

For now, I strongly urge you to try to explore other options. I wonder why he even rented out the place if he continues to make plans for his guests with the space in mind. This landlord sounds like a bully. If he is to cause any more trouble while you still reside there, go the legal route.

I would urge you to only turn to this as a last resort. The home environment and relationship with the landowner has been ruined. Look for a way out. You are fortunate in the sense that you have the capacity to move and start over with very little drawback. Make the right move; it shall be well.

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