Bar Talk: The drinkers' 2012 resolutions

Welcome to all the members of the drinking constituency who have made it thus far into 2012. This is an achievement as it is a well-known fact that we are the most vulnerable demographic group when it comes to dying like flies in the festive season.

This is because the same way we see the old year out is how we usher the new one in; in a blind haze of a complete and continuous state of befuddlement as we spend our money as though tomorrow will never exist.

It is that time of the year when most of us believe that the car, like a pair of horses, knows the way home and all we have to do is crawl into the driving seat and it will miraculously get us there. For some of us it is fortunate that the other drivers see us coming and get out of the way so we arrive home somehow.

But some meet others in exactly the same state at some intersection and its wham, bam, scrunch, splat and no more drinking for them.

But enough of such dire talk! Everyone knows that success lies in planning and even in drinking the same rule applies. We have put our (hung-over) heads together at the usual place to come up with resolutions for the year 2012, to make sure that it is a great drinking year:
1. We shall not drink any more. But we shall not drink any less.

    Maintaining a consistent rate of drinking is what marks the superior drinker from wannabes.
    Drinking more shows that you are stressed and trying to drown your troubles in alcohol.
    It most probably means you are having problems with the spouse or at the workplace.
    Whichever it may be, you are on your way down, no question about it.
    On the other hand drinking less indicates decreased capacity of the wallet or the body and neither is a desirable state of being.
    We have noted how mates we have eventually buried showed the end was nigh by changing to milder versions of their usual tipple before stopping altogether.
    Remember that fellow who ended up coming to the bar to order tea just before he finally kicked the bucket?
    Thus we pray that you and I shall drink no more and no less than we did in the past year.

2. We will give up on trying to understand the spouse and just accept that we live with an alien who operates in a totally different universe.

    That way there will be no sulks, screaming matches and cold treatments at home once we leave the warm environs of the usual place.
    Male and female human beings are not of the same species. Anyone who thinks differently can help by explaining to men why women need 1 000 outfits for 365 days. And explain to women why men need to watch Supersport for 24 hours every day. We rest our case.

3. We will get a free car. Suddenly everyone is giving a car away. Buy a sweet and win a car. Get married and receive a car. Dance and receive a car. It has become easier to get a free car than to get a passport, (what with the power(less) authority's outage destroying the system at the registry and all that).

    We urge the drink manufacturers to show gratitude to the drinking constituency by giving us cars too. But on the other hand, maybe enough cab fare to take us home for the next five years will be better for us and the other road users. (Refer to the top).

4. We shall try to cut down on our attacks against some of the members of the clergy and their flock. Last week one of them was terribly angry at our rumblings and got in touch on Facebook to set the record straight. According to the good fellow, the whole mumbo jumbo about a rich person finding it harder to enter the pearly portals than for a fully grown camel to use the eye of a needle as an exit or entry point is all obsolete. According to him since the creation of the computer and the innovation of ICT, the earth is now filled with the Now! Generation who must receive instant replies to their prayers. Waiting for the hereafter is just not on.

Not for the super humans who have designed gadgets that can see from space (Satellite TV) and those that can hear from across the world (phones). Hence the birth of miracle churches and preachers who will take a quite bit of your money in return for promises of instant answers to your prayers with no nonsense about following the ten commandments and waiting for death in order to reap your rewards.

5. In the year 2012 we shall only attend the wakes and funerals of dedicated drinkers. And those only if they are being managed by other dedicated drinkers. Funerals have become increasingly irritating with the copious amount of the best availed at the right ones being the only reason for one to attend. So if there is no drink on offer why should you and I be bothered? Some prominent persons have come under fire from some busybodies for not attending the funerals of their peers and so forth. We would like to state unequivocally here that the drinking constituency feels that if anyone does not want to attend the funeral of anybody then they are perfectly within their right not do so. Whether they opt to stage a show, head for a business meeting or the nearest pub instead is neither here nor there.

The major reason why we have turned against the ritual of bidding friends, kith and kin farewell is the way that the dearest and some not so nearest hijack the funeral and twist every speech from memories of the departed to self eulogies by the living: "When I bought my US$100 000 car the deceased was very happy for me. When I was appointed chairman of the board of Showoff Holdings she was the first to send me a congratulatory twitter on my i-phone." We refuse to be subjected to such garbage unless there is a copious amount of free liquor on offer in which case we will be so drunk we will not care who says what and for how long as we will not hear a single word anyway.

Let us raise our glasses to a great drinking year. See you at the usual place.

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Bra Gee can be contacted at brageesbar@gmail.com