Opinion / Columnist
A weekend digest of Zimbabwean Politics - 'Just call it an erection and it will pass'
27 Aug 2017 at 06:18hrs | Views
Don't be fooled – Even Political Junkies and spent forces can erect an Alliance – So just call it an erection and it will pass. (A weekend digest of Zimbabwean Politics)
When they don't agree with you - beat 'em up
It's a Nation of Violent people and if you think you can take over power from a stinking old 93 year old Bob by raising your hands - forget it. If there is one prime legacy that Robert Mugabe will be remembered for is that of a violent man who blames everyone for Zimbabwe's problems except himself - a holy cow others say. Unfortunately this violent behaviour of Mugabe has led many to believe that violence is the solution for every little problem that one may have. Just recently, opposition leader Morgan Tsvangirai (MT) dispatched his team of violent youth to go to Bulawayo, the country's second largest city, to go and beat up his Vice President (Thokozani Khuphe) for boycotting an event that Tsvangirai deemed important. They beat her, and left - back to Harare where they enjoy party immunity. Most citizens of the world watched helplessly when Mugabe's wife beat a defenceless kid in Johannesburg and left her with life scars and terror - only to receive immunity - just to show the domination of violence in our African society. Even the loud Julius Malema seemed to concur by his silence but then of course you cannot bite the finger that feeds you - poor Zuma, he did not see this coming.
I was lost but now I am found
Well, in Zimbabwe the political Viagra has brought the prodigal sons home. Seeing the end of their political careers inevitable – political junkies – Welshman Ncube and Tendai Biti returned to daddy MT (the highest bidder in the political prostitution ring) singing praises and worships to the person whom they believe will be paying their salaries if their little gamble works. You could not believe it when Welshman Ncube took the podium and sang praises of a man he despises so much. Looking back, if you were to hear Mr Ncube talking behind the scenes about Tsvaangirai and Harare per se, you would not believe his utterances at the launch of the new MDC, the MDC Alliance. Well, some of us are to blame as well because we followed his greed when he split the MDC under the guise of principles and all that bullshit. You must give it to the man. I suppose him and Jonathan Moyo were cut from the same cloth although Jonathan seems clever and less of a coward.
Lost and Blind
But then again, they are going to the wrong man. Morgan Tsvangirai presents himself as a tired face of opposition who has been hip hoping from scandal to scandal thanks to his ever loyal supporters, the man has many lives (Just like the blind support Mugabe had in the 80s). For heaven's sake, the man once described Mugabe as a statesman during his days as Prime Minister and for sure he got paid for it, a Mansion, a Wife and some Medical Bills paid for. Zimbabweans are indeed a special breed. The combined faces of the new alliance has no idea of what is coming their way. They will be hit by a storm in their usual morning political pyjamas they have been wearing since they formed the MDC. Surely Grace Mugabe and Jonathan Moyo cannot destroy ZANU PF to create space for the MDC Alliance. Let alone who will take care of the misguided missiles like General Chiwenga, a lunatic embarrassing our respected troops. I will leave that to Philip Sibanda. The new alliance has no capacity to deal with that. To date - in their watch and gatekeeping tactics - they have allowed the Old Witch Mugabe to continue the vomit all over once beautiful territory. I am told he carries a peeing bag and stinks like hell to those that sit next to him in meeting. What a shame. On the other hand, Mugabe's Children are the Morden day untouchables together with their mother who clearly forgets to take her meds - causing diplomatic disputes everywhere she goes. Sooner or later, we might need to confine her into a mental institute where she belongs.
Rookies, the excitable and the less thinking
I am told the new MDC Alliance's survival depends on seats allocation - who gets to contest where and how many safe seats do each party gets. To think of it, we haven't seen their campaign manifesto but they are already thinking about benefits. Typical innit? Selfish Bastards. Not that I am surprised though. I remember when the MDC first got to parliament. They were more excited about packages that come with being a Member of Parliament. They got cars, Housing allowances, Hotel stays and air travels. I was in Harare at one point waiting to catch a lift with the late Tsholotsho MP, Mtoliki Sibanda who had just been allocated a new car, a brand new Toyota Hilux Twin Cam. The man was excited to an extent that he had to drive down to Bulawayo a partially incomplete car with some parts to be assembled left out as the MP could not wait to drive his new baby. On the way he kept boasting about its raving capability and speed and the new car smell, regularly beating the dashboard in excitement.
As a person who had asked for a lift, I seconded the excitement and reserved my disgust. To that effect, I am sure Mugabe had got himself one of the outstanding espionage operation - taking notes on what makes MDC representatives tick. The feeling was universal in the party as we all remember the pose and shine of the cars and our MPs at the time -sitting in high tables and driving nice cars. Well, it was their turn one would suppose. But then again you look at their behaviour during the Unity Government and see no change if not worse. Who in their right minds would accept a bodyguard from their sworn enemies? right. Well, it was MDC Ministers who did that without even thinking that all their movements were noted down for future dirty references. Hence, it was easy for Mugabe to dismiss them because he simply brought out the black book and made them choose between their dirty linen and a quiet life in their constituencies which many have since lost. Some cats were lucky to keep their mansions and even have their medical bills paid for by the enemy camp.
Respect the book – by Thabo Mbeki the Zanu Pf spy
In all this, one thing we must never forget is how education play a part in political management when it comes to the art of grabbing and keeping power - basic dictatorship. A brain that reads even the simplest of history is better placed than a brain that does not read at all. The history of politics in Zimbabwe informs us that Mr Mugabe spent a lot of years in prison, reading and attaining degrees in various faculties of education - violence included.
This has for sure made him a better leader to completely outsmart his opponents.3. Not to insult the man who turned from being a terrorist to father of the nation - Joshua Mqabuko Nkomo - I do not know much of his educational history but I know the man had no political savvy and tactic. In the late 70s, ZANU PF intelligence deployed in Zambia to indirectly convince Nkomo that his commanders were sell-outs. We know the stories of our heroes like Nikita Mangena and how they died. Mugabe was already in preparation to deploy Gukurahundi and he knew if ZAPU commanders were alive, they would accept no nonsense.
Zipra would have destroyed Zanla armatures in no time. But hey, not to dwell on history, let's look at how Mugabe played Tsvangirai and make a conclusion on who is better placed - a dictator with degrees (including those of violence) and an opposition leader who buys books at airports and read 3 pages before his Champaign arrives (assuming always flying Business Class and spending time in expensive yatchts). Two events come to mind - one that involves a foreign leader spying for Mugabe and a lack of judgement from Morgan Tsvaangirai.
During my days at MDC I noticed how every time MDC had an upper hand in the political front making Mugabe feel threatened, Mugabe would call Mbeki to mediate and Mbeki will call Welshman to come and spill the MDC dirty linen and then Mbeki would revert to Mugabe some critical information which was then used to destroy MDC. The other simple example is the 2008 elections. Let us remember that in 2000 - if the MDC had decided to take it to the streets, there would be a massacre because at the time, the Zimbabwean military had just returned from DRC and being paid in USD with completely no knowledge of Zimbabwean politics. To them, the state was being threatened by the West and soldiers needed to fight their stooges, in this case make sure the MDC does not lead protests to take over the state house. A different scenario existed in 2008.
The security sectors were ready to let go after having seen Mugabe mismanaging the country and there was nothing in it for them as they were suffering like everyone. But again, clever Mugabe knew protests were inevitable and all he needed was to make sure nobody leads such. So he whispered to Tsvangirai that he was going to be killed and the man took off to RSA for a month. At a dinner in Johannesburg (Joburg), a friend asked him why he was in Joburg when people needed a leader back home and he replied saying they wanted to kill him. My friend knocked some sense into him by saying in Joburg they can shoot him in the streets and call it a robbery while in Zimbabwe nobody could touch him seeing the whole world was watching. The man packed his bags and went back to Zimbabwe - tried to call for protests that failed dismally. One must remember Zimbabweans are starving and if you lose the momentum to protest the next day after election results, you are done - people want to work and eat.
A wild solution
For me - there are two things. A revolution by the middle class or a military coup. For fast results, I would promote the latter. If the army can take over and arrest all political leaders from Zanu and MDC for 3 months, then call an election, I think one may learn one or two lesson in prison - mainly not to be a political fraudster. I am getting tired now but I will expand on these two important points in next weeks' weekend digest.
When they don't agree with you - beat 'em up
It's a Nation of Violent people and if you think you can take over power from a stinking old 93 year old Bob by raising your hands - forget it. If there is one prime legacy that Robert Mugabe will be remembered for is that of a violent man who blames everyone for Zimbabwe's problems except himself - a holy cow others say. Unfortunately this violent behaviour of Mugabe has led many to believe that violence is the solution for every little problem that one may have. Just recently, opposition leader Morgan Tsvangirai (MT) dispatched his team of violent youth to go to Bulawayo, the country's second largest city, to go and beat up his Vice President (Thokozani Khuphe) for boycotting an event that Tsvangirai deemed important. They beat her, and left - back to Harare where they enjoy party immunity. Most citizens of the world watched helplessly when Mugabe's wife beat a defenceless kid in Johannesburg and left her with life scars and terror - only to receive immunity - just to show the domination of violence in our African society. Even the loud Julius Malema seemed to concur by his silence but then of course you cannot bite the finger that feeds you - poor Zuma, he did not see this coming.
I was lost but now I am found
Well, in Zimbabwe the political Viagra has brought the prodigal sons home. Seeing the end of their political careers inevitable – political junkies – Welshman Ncube and Tendai Biti returned to daddy MT (the highest bidder in the political prostitution ring) singing praises and worships to the person whom they believe will be paying their salaries if their little gamble works. You could not believe it when Welshman Ncube took the podium and sang praises of a man he despises so much. Looking back, if you were to hear Mr Ncube talking behind the scenes about Tsvaangirai and Harare per se, you would not believe his utterances at the launch of the new MDC, the MDC Alliance. Well, some of us are to blame as well because we followed his greed when he split the MDC under the guise of principles and all that bullshit. You must give it to the man. I suppose him and Jonathan Moyo were cut from the same cloth although Jonathan seems clever and less of a coward.
Lost and Blind
But then again, they are going to the wrong man. Morgan Tsvangirai presents himself as a tired face of opposition who has been hip hoping from scandal to scandal thanks to his ever loyal supporters, the man has many lives (Just like the blind support Mugabe had in the 80s). For heaven's sake, the man once described Mugabe as a statesman during his days as Prime Minister and for sure he got paid for it, a Mansion, a Wife and some Medical Bills paid for. Zimbabweans are indeed a special breed. The combined faces of the new alliance has no idea of what is coming their way. They will be hit by a storm in their usual morning political pyjamas they have been wearing since they formed the MDC. Surely Grace Mugabe and Jonathan Moyo cannot destroy ZANU PF to create space for the MDC Alliance. Let alone who will take care of the misguided missiles like General Chiwenga, a lunatic embarrassing our respected troops. I will leave that to Philip Sibanda. The new alliance has no capacity to deal with that. To date - in their watch and gatekeeping tactics - they have allowed the Old Witch Mugabe to continue the vomit all over once beautiful territory. I am told he carries a peeing bag and stinks like hell to those that sit next to him in meeting. What a shame. On the other hand, Mugabe's Children are the Morden day untouchables together with their mother who clearly forgets to take her meds - causing diplomatic disputes everywhere she goes. Sooner or later, we might need to confine her into a mental institute where she belongs.
Rookies, the excitable and the less thinking
I am told the new MDC Alliance's survival depends on seats allocation - who gets to contest where and how many safe seats do each party gets. To think of it, we haven't seen their campaign manifesto but they are already thinking about benefits. Typical innit? Selfish Bastards. Not that I am surprised though. I remember when the MDC first got to parliament. They were more excited about packages that come with being a Member of Parliament. They got cars, Housing allowances, Hotel stays and air travels. I was in Harare at one point waiting to catch a lift with the late Tsholotsho MP, Mtoliki Sibanda who had just been allocated a new car, a brand new Toyota Hilux Twin Cam. The man was excited to an extent that he had to drive down to Bulawayo a partially incomplete car with some parts to be assembled left out as the MP could not wait to drive his new baby. On the way he kept boasting about its raving capability and speed and the new car smell, regularly beating the dashboard in excitement.
As a person who had asked for a lift, I seconded the excitement and reserved my disgust. To that effect, I am sure Mugabe had got himself one of the outstanding espionage operation - taking notes on what makes MDC representatives tick. The feeling was universal in the party as we all remember the pose and shine of the cars and our MPs at the time -sitting in high tables and driving nice cars. Well, it was their turn one would suppose. But then again you look at their behaviour during the Unity Government and see no change if not worse. Who in their right minds would accept a bodyguard from their sworn enemies? right. Well, it was MDC Ministers who did that without even thinking that all their movements were noted down for future dirty references. Hence, it was easy for Mugabe to dismiss them because he simply brought out the black book and made them choose between their dirty linen and a quiet life in their constituencies which many have since lost. Some cats were lucky to keep their mansions and even have their medical bills paid for by the enemy camp.
Respect the book – by Thabo Mbeki the Zanu Pf spy
In all this, one thing we must never forget is how education play a part in political management when it comes to the art of grabbing and keeping power - basic dictatorship. A brain that reads even the simplest of history is better placed than a brain that does not read at all. The history of politics in Zimbabwe informs us that Mr Mugabe spent a lot of years in prison, reading and attaining degrees in various faculties of education - violence included.
This has for sure made him a better leader to completely outsmart his opponents.3. Not to insult the man who turned from being a terrorist to father of the nation - Joshua Mqabuko Nkomo - I do not know much of his educational history but I know the man had no political savvy and tactic. In the late 70s, ZANU PF intelligence deployed in Zambia to indirectly convince Nkomo that his commanders were sell-outs. We know the stories of our heroes like Nikita Mangena and how they died. Mugabe was already in preparation to deploy Gukurahundi and he knew if ZAPU commanders were alive, they would accept no nonsense.
Zipra would have destroyed Zanla armatures in no time. But hey, not to dwell on history, let's look at how Mugabe played Tsvangirai and make a conclusion on who is better placed - a dictator with degrees (including those of violence) and an opposition leader who buys books at airports and read 3 pages before his Champaign arrives (assuming always flying Business Class and spending time in expensive yatchts). Two events come to mind - one that involves a foreign leader spying for Mugabe and a lack of judgement from Morgan Tsvaangirai.
During my days at MDC I noticed how every time MDC had an upper hand in the political front making Mugabe feel threatened, Mugabe would call Mbeki to mediate and Mbeki will call Welshman to come and spill the MDC dirty linen and then Mbeki would revert to Mugabe some critical information which was then used to destroy MDC. The other simple example is the 2008 elections. Let us remember that in 2000 - if the MDC had decided to take it to the streets, there would be a massacre because at the time, the Zimbabwean military had just returned from DRC and being paid in USD with completely no knowledge of Zimbabwean politics. To them, the state was being threatened by the West and soldiers needed to fight their stooges, in this case make sure the MDC does not lead protests to take over the state house. A different scenario existed in 2008.
The security sectors were ready to let go after having seen Mugabe mismanaging the country and there was nothing in it for them as they were suffering like everyone. But again, clever Mugabe knew protests were inevitable and all he needed was to make sure nobody leads such. So he whispered to Tsvangirai that he was going to be killed and the man took off to RSA for a month. At a dinner in Johannesburg (Joburg), a friend asked him why he was in Joburg when people needed a leader back home and he replied saying they wanted to kill him. My friend knocked some sense into him by saying in Joburg they can shoot him in the streets and call it a robbery while in Zimbabwe nobody could touch him seeing the whole world was watching. The man packed his bags and went back to Zimbabwe - tried to call for protests that failed dismally. One must remember Zimbabweans are starving and if you lose the momentum to protest the next day after election results, you are done - people want to work and eat.
A wild solution
For me - there are two things. A revolution by the middle class or a military coup. For fast results, I would promote the latter. If the army can take over and arrest all political leaders from Zanu and MDC for 3 months, then call an election, I think one may learn one or two lesson in prison - mainly not to be a political fraudster. I am getting tired now but I will expand on these two important points in next weeks' weekend digest.
Source - Mathula Lusinga
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