Zanu-PF sellouts: Climb out of your coffins

A lot happened when your Bishop was busy elsewhere. Dear congregants, you deserve my unreserved apology. How can I not apologise — Tyson finally came back home, one Terrance Mkupe went bonkers about a week ago, our little boy Nelson rigged out and away all his enemies during his party's primary elections, the supposed national alliance is dead and one Guchutu and his Christian Democrats wish they could resurrect Morgan Richard Tsvangirai.

And then President ED has started his monster rallies, leading to the disappearance of the politics of numbers in the gullible privately-owned media. Before that the President had fired Webster Shamu. And then Nelson and Rwanda President Paul Kagame? This one is too juicy. Maybe, let's dedicate a part of this sermon to this juicy story. But Tyson is back. The man has lost lots of weight and so from now onwards, we know what to do to him when that tummy starts protruding. Many are wondering what will happen to Tyson but Bishop Lazarus has a few questions for Tyson.

Did you guys, I mean Tyson and Professor Jonathan Moyo, actually scream "mama, mama, mama" as you entered the Blue Roof Mansion taking cover from imaginary bullets? Who between you guys was screaming the loudest? We want to know that part of the puzzle because we want to see how exactly we can assist.

Maybe all that no longer matters — Tyson was very helpful and useful in clearing hazy pictures about the great escape. Now he is back to face some music. Not very loud music by the way. On the other hand, Prof Moyo of the "it's cold out there" fame is also on his way back home. Yes, dear congregants he is on his way back. Don't be fooled by all that fake bravado. Lots of reaching out and selling out going on behind the scenes. The Prof was just furious that he was beaten to the game by Tyson. So, yeah the Prof is on his way back — not with his tail between the legs, hapasitorina mutswe wacho. I can hear big brother saying "Bishop toda munhu ane hana?" True, let me leave this story for now.

But then dread Patrick Zhuwao is totally in the dark. Hutsi zvaho. Kana kutomboona kuti there are whispers in the dark. I think Dread Zhuwao vanovharwa too much. Soon he will realise that Prof Moyo is indeed a disciple of American politics, "no permanent friends, but permanent interests."

I know many are itching to know what the Bishop thinks about Deputy Minister Mukupe — well, it has never been my business to spend energy on those in the departure lounge. And by the way, I think the motor-mouth Biti finally got his match because he can be so uncouth, but still I won't waste time in the departure lounge.

Ephesians 5 vs 11 says: "Don't waste your time on useless work, mere busywork, the barren pursuits of darkness. Expose these things for the sham they are." Then verse 14 continues saying: "Wake up from your sleep, Climb out of your coffins; Christ will show you the light." The deputy minister will soon be shown the light. Regai timbomhanyisana nemaelections. It's not only Nelson who is going to cry after elections. There is going to be a lot of grief, even in and especially in Zanu-PF. If you think Bishop Lazarus is hallucinating, let me give you the President in his own words:

"I got intelligence that some of those who have won this primary election have two minds. They have gone to join the Zanu-PF wagon using various means, money included, to be elected with a possible view (that) once in Parliament they will bend together and move a motion of impeachment…"There are two things that those among you here need to know what happens. First, you must realise that the constitution provides the basis of impeachment and such basis must be fulfilled before impeachment proceedings begin."Secondly, our constitution (Zanu-PF's) provides an instrument to chuck out from parliament any member whom we think is not Zanu-PF anymore. So you and your angel, as well as your spirit medium, should know where you stand before bad things happen."If you take time to reflect on how Operation Restore Legacy was well-executed and take time to read that letter where President Mnangagwa promised to "return in two weeks" and indeed he returned to lead the country, then you are dead sure, this man knows what he is talking about. And for a whole President to speak so openly about this sinister plan — you should know a thorough verification exercise has been done. Presidents, especially Presidents with several decades in intelligence, don't just open up on an issue like that. Pane nyaya macomrades. And please, read that loaded statement over and over again. Being forewarned is being forearmed.

Ezekiel 3 vs 19 says: "But if you do warn the wicked person and they do not turn from their wickedness or from their evil ways, they will die for their sin; but you will have saved yourself."When he was fired by the former President, this man wrote back to authority saying he would be back and some people laughed. He came back and now he is the President. When he "warns the wicked person and they do not turn from their wickedness", surely it can't be our fault when lots of grief visits after July 30.

On his part, Vice-President Chiwenga warned those thinking of "Bhora musango" during the forthcoming elections. Just a quick reminder, this is the man who was the Commander of the Zimbabwe Defence Forces during Operation Restore Legacy. Kungorangaridzana. I see a dead man walking. I see a funeral. Maybe this is just my coffin of thoughts.

Still on dead man walking, I see Nelson. Our little boy Nelson. Let me start by expressing my despair mixed with hope.

Warning Nelson is clearly proving to be a futile exercise but I am a believing Bishop. We just can't give up on Nelson. We won't give up that easily because can you imagine there are some people who believe he can actually lead this country. We are supposed to laugh, but this is no longer a laughing matter. You see, even Nelson is beginning to believe the joke.

This is the trouble ukasiya pwere ichitambisa toy for too long. The toy can turn into a real gun for the little boy. We can't give up. This is our boy. Don't get me wrong here. Zimbabwe is not the toy that Nelson is playing with. Anenge ayiwanepi Zimbabwe paari paya Nelson? The toy is in his spinning head. Its imaginary but Nelson is actually serious about it. Let's go to the latest mistruth by Nelson.

The little boy looked for trouble by claiming that he met Rwanda President Paul Kagame and assisted him in crafting his country's ICT policy. Nelson claimed that this happened when he was Minister of Information and Communication Technology between 2009 and 2013.

Thanks to the interactive new media which kills space and time, President Kagame got to know about this hallucination and he put the record straight on Twitter. Ende kunyadzisa kwazvo nhaimi vanhu vaMwari? Said President Kagame: "1st my name is Kagame not kagama 2— I don't know this man & no discussion ever happened with him anywhere …3rd Rw's ICT policy,projects & progrm started before mdc formation and politics! I wish the people of Zim well !"Oooppsss! Yet another unsolicited lie from this student activist called Nelson, who is refusing to grow up.

And indeed, Nelson is fiercely refusing to grow even an inch. We thought the response from President Kagame was embarrassing enough for him, but not Nelson. He added sugar to the tomfoolery and even the neutrals were like "enough about this boy." Talk to Professor Welshman Ncube, if you think I am just making up things.

Anyway, Nelson is brave. He thought he could remind President Kagame a few things."Your Excellency, you're not expected to remember everything. We met at a conference a few years back & you requested your ICT DG to get a copy of a presentation I had given. There's a generational consensus across Africa that your leadership of Rwanda is progressive & inspiring."

This is the same Nelson who while in the belly of the beast decided to tell his host Britain to stop supporting President Mnangagwa's Government. Wouya mumba mangu and start telling me "manga madii kurega kutamba nanhingi, mutambe neni chete." We have a strong candidate for Ngomahuru Mental Institution here, dear congregants! Now he was after President Kagame. This Nelson is quite suicidal. And didn't you laugh your lungs out reading his explanation? Nelson helped turn around Rwanda's ICT policy just by handing over his speech to the Rwandese ICT DG? Nelson's magic speech did all the magic in Rwanda? Now the people of Rwanda are ever happy, thanks to Nelson. The only problem that I have as a Bishop is that Nelson's magic speech only worked in Rwanda, yet for four years in Zimbabwe, he failed to turn our ICT policy. How come his one speech at some conference helped to transform Rwanda's ICT policy, yet at home he only left us with WhatsApp? Nelson ngaaite mushe.

Talking about kuita mushe, Nelson akaita mushe to listen to Bishop Lazarus and pitch up in public with his wife. Part Two is coming soon. This Bishop doesn't disappoint. Just hang in there, dear congregants. I really enjoy this short poem by E.A Bucchianeri in the collection entitled: "Phantom Phantasia: Poetry for the Phantom of the Opera Phan." It goes something like: "If on thoughts of death we are fed, Thus, a coffin, became my bed."

Nelson, don't let this coffin become your bed! Nemiwo maimpeachment plotters in Zanu-PF! Batai iri shoko, muribatisise!

Bishop is out!