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Marriage is not an achievement

26 Mar 2022 at 06:10hrs | Views
These are the headlines that get you roasted in Pentecostal and religious circles. How on earth, would you say that, "marriage is not achievement?" Some are actually fasting for it, and binding "marine spirits" that are stopping their marriage.

Others out of desperation are settling for any adult who seems interested in them and sounds potentially entertaining.

 Some stay in lifeless and loveless relationships because leaving them would be considered failure or the devil winning. The truth we need to remind ourselves, and especially the girl child is that, "marriage is not an achievement".

March is International Women's Day, and the conversation should remain how do we empower our women in society, I believe we need a 360 degree approach which focuses on total transformation.

Focus on staying married!

"The magic isn't in getting married but in staying married!" So this past week I was relaxing to a movie and landed my hands on "Baggage Claim". When I watch a movie I am always looking for lessons that I can get and use in my own life, and even some of my talks hence my choice of movies is very selective.

Baggage Claim is a very interesting story about one woman's search for love which would see her cover over 30 000miles hooking up with some exes and eventually coming back to realise what she was looking for was actually very close to her, and all along she was not seeing it.

It is the very same movie that dropped the above statement which stuck on mind. "The magic isn't in getting married but in staying married!" This is one of the finest truths that I have ever heard relating to marriage.

There is usually pomp and fare when couples wed. Some daring ones even borrow money in order to make the day "special". Strangely many people prepare more for their wedding than their marriage. A wedding is just one day but marriage is a lifetime commitment!

The success of any marriage is determined by a firm solid foundation. This foundation has to be laid before you get married.

This article will speak more to those who are not married/unmarried. It's not easy to be single in an environment that expects you to be "married" by a certain age hence my focus for this article.

My argument is simple "it's okay to be single and even to enjoy it." There are several people today who are married and don't even know why they are married! Strangely some people who are married actually want to be single, and some of those who are single want to be married.

Don't be under pressure to get married

This is my first piece of advice to anyone who is not married. There is so much pressure on people who are single to get married. One of the most offensive questions people ask me is "When are you getting married." Yes, I consider that offensive and also a serious violation of privacy. It's like me asking you "When are you going to die?" Come on, ask me something different like, "When are you building your next house? When are you buying your next stand? When are you buying your next car? I think as individuals we should learn not to put pressure on people!

Focus on your personal development

Marriage is responsibility. Marriage is not for lazy people. Ask yourself intelligent questions like, "How do I plan on sustaining my family once I get married? Where do I want my family to stay when I get married? Where do I want my kids to go to school once God gives me? Go back to the first article, "Love is not enough" and look at the must have conversations.

Once you fall into the pressure of getting married chances are high that you can make mistakes, just trying to please people. It's better to be single and happy than to be married and frustrated. Enjoy being single and make a decision to be in a relationship because it's right, and not merely because you want to make someone happy!

Being single is not a disability or a disease

I read in awe the savage attack that people who are single go through especially on social media. It's very possible to be a successful woman and be single. As a matter of fact you don't need a man to be successful. You can be a success on your own. The same applies if you are a man. You can be successful as a young man. Focus on being a successful single person!

Being single is not a disability or a disease. Enjoy yourself and when you marry you will be a blessing to whoever you are going to marry! Don't marry because you are lonely, marry because you are alone. There are people who are lonely in marriages as we speak. Some may even be reading this article.

Don't just move from one relationship to another

This is the life that some people are living in search of what they call *love*. You can't hop from one relationship to another.

Learn to give yourself a break and conduct a post-mortem of what happened. Why did the previous relationship fail? What should you do differently? What areas of your life do you need to work on? What habits do you need to drop? There is nothing called a *perfect partner*. There is only an *imperfect person* perfectly viewed.

Marriage is not an achievement

Wired statement! It's not, that's the truth. I get worried when I have a conversation with a person on Personal Development and ask them of their plans and the only thing they have prominently is marriage.

Marriage is an important part of life but it's not an achievement on its own. Adam did not work to get married. God saw the aloneness in men and provided a remedy through marriage. Adam had a job before he got married.

He was working! He was already a caretaker in the Garden of Eden. What are you tending? What project are you working on as we speak.

Marriage is not a way out of poverty, but some people look forward to it. Work on yourself. Develop yourself and once you are married you will contribute to your family's stability.

It's one thing to be married and it's another to stay married. Remember: The magic isn't in getting married but staying married! Prepare for your marriage even if you are not dating. Become a better person before you get married. Read good books, listen to good teachings. Have good friends who speak life and value to you!

Marriage is work! Ask those who are married.

Sources of pressure

Where does pressure come from? If you are not careful, you may also be putting pressure on other people, and that is why sometimes they avoid you in conversation.

Internal pressure

This is pressure that we put on ourselves and many times it's inspired by some of the personal goals that we set for ourselves. You know of people who say I want to be married and have my first baby at 24/25, but when you go to the ground you see they are not in any steady relationship and the years are passing.

It's good to set goals but it's also important to be flexible. Things do not necessarily go the way you plan them and that is life. Life is what happens when you are making plans.

External pressure

There is also external pressure that comes from your family. This is the case with many families where some people of your age are getting married and you are still there.

Your *Friends* and *Circles* can also be a serious source of pressure. There are people who have had this experience where their friends and people of their age have all been ‘taken' and they are still by themselves. If you are not careful this can be a source of pressure which will drive you into a wrong relationship. Some of these relationships will deliver heartbreaks that even no specialist heart surgeon can mend.

Till death do us part

I enjoy a song by Michael W Smith called, "Forever Yours". Please listen to it, and play it for your spouse if married, or prospective spouse. Michael Smith has an interesting way of putting that statement, "Till death comes between us and the heavens steal you away"

Sadly, the "Till death do us part" statement is one of the most abused phrases during weddings and I doubt if people really understand the meaning of this statement. Death means death! Like the one where an undertaker finishes the process! Shockingly what's separating many people is divorce.

Every time I handle a matrimonial matter commonly called "divorce case" (I handle many of these) that is the question that I am always asking. What you begin to see that this is a qualified statement. The pace at which people are divorcing requires us to go back to the fundamentals of what marriage is all about. If you are married it's your responsibility to protect your own marriage. No one will do that for you.

My exhortation to all those who are single is marry right. Pray to God to show you what the human eye cannot see on your prospective choice. Do not be excited simply because someone is "hot" or "handsome". This does not work in the long run. Hotter ones will always come, in fact you often see them soon after committing. Carry your brain into a relationship and see whether or not it's time to move on into marriage or to actually move out of relationship before it becomes a marriage before your heart is torn into irredeemable pieces.

Worst regrets in life

There are two serious regrets in life, and I pray for neither of these for any single person;

Regretting marry a particular person, and

Regretting not marrying a particular person

*Watch out for Part V

Arthur Marara is a corporate law attorney, keynote speaker, corporate and personal branding speaker commanding the stage with his delightful humour, raw energy, and wealth of life experiences. He is a financial wellness expert and is passionate about addressing the issues of wellness, strategy and personal and professional development. Arthur is the author of "Toys for Adults" a thought provoking book on entrepreneurship, and "No one is Coming" a book that seeks to equip leaders to take charge.

Feedback to or Visit his website or contact him on +263780055152 for bookings.

Source - The Herald
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