This & that with Mal'phosa: What a disaster

Do rich people always have to brag every chance they get? For instance, he owns a construction company and bullies everyone to agree that he works hard. We know who works hard, and for peanuts. It's all a disaster. Oh what a disaster!

I have had the pleasure of attending two weddings in Nkulumane. One was apparently for a rich and famous lecturer. The other one was of a commoner - what Zanu would call povo. At the rich man's wedding, there was all the beauty to overflow the aesthetics' heart.

There was an elaborate intention to make a statement. Some of the major components of the wedding were neutral colour pallets, sleek and modern décor.

The beauty, confidence, and decent manner of the bride made her the center of attention, wearing a charming and fitted white gown and a magnificent bridal dress. The theme and decoration resembled nobility in the old days. The bride was glamorous with glittering jewelry, making her classy on her happy day.

The weddings had a romantic flair as well focusing on creating an enchanted, fairytale-inspired vibe that's worthy of a modern day Cinderella. Imagine a garden venue filled with floral-covered trellises, exquisite table settings, a metre and a half tall cake, and plenty of assorted-colour twinkling candles to set the mood.

The ceremony looked so exclusive and special. Such weddings are for couples who want to create strong impressions and feelings for themselves and the guests, and they are unforgettable compared to ordinary ones.

And then, one pompous- looking man, apparently a friend of the groom, stood up to make a speech - ‘Ladies and gentleman,' he began, after clearing his throat authoritatively, ‘I am privileged to be a guest at this auspicious occasion." We know he is lying - these rich buggers always think they are entitled. "I can say that I am not even fit to wash my friend's feet.' We know, because you think you are better than him.

"By the way, where did we meet? Was it Italy, or was it Cambridge University? I remember now we were together at Oxford. I had just completed my PHD, and you still had a year to go. I remember I had just bought my limo, and you asked to test-drive it, "he chuckles uneasily - "It refused to start until I started it with my finger-print. Later that day, I introduced you to the Mayor and his wife. They hosted us in Flamboyant Gardens just opposite the Stock Exchange. The next day we drove to see your girl, who now I can safely say you are getting married to. Congratulations, my dear comrade." He looks at the couple as if trying to read their minds and gauge the depth of their love.

"I remember also when, a week later, we flew to Paris where you intended to propose to her - and it was such a romantic occasion. Again congratulations, my friend. The cake that you see here was paid for by the embassy of Sweden, who also sends their regards. And I made sure that those rings are flown first class from Lyon to Bulawayo. Before I forget, the Mayors of Boston and Turin send their best wishes too. They say your gifts are waiting for you in their respective offices.

Finally, my friend, marriage is so easy, as long as you give your wife what she wants and also let her win all arguments." He guffaws louder than everyone else here gathered. "Let us pop the champagne." He lifts his glass. To the newlyweds, till kingdom come!" And he takes a quick sip!

Yes, this is the kind of speech to expect at weddings of the rich and famous. Rarely do we hear speeches made by relatives or parents - it is always those high class pompous individuals who speak as if canvassing for votes. They are in expensive tailor-made Italian or French suits and bright shirts that need cuffs to keep them in check. Most of them try a joke or two - which are just flat, and we laugh because the rich have spoken. We laugh so loud you'd think it's a winner take all contest.

I also had the privilege to attend a wedding of a relatively less privileged couple. You could tell a lot of work had been put into the works but still the glamour wasn't there. The whole thing lacked, as they say, that thing. It was kind of rustic - an exact opposite of the previous one. Still, everyone danced and ululated happily and gave presents voluntarily and happily too.

And the aunt gave the speech. "Umntwana lo oshada namhla, ngumntaka bhudi." She pauses, swallows audibly and looks across at her said brother.

"I am the one who used to change his nappies because his mother was working somewhere emakishini. Wayengakaki lumntwana batu! Hha! But he was such a bundle of joy, except when he decided to steal, kenje wawutshontshani kakhulu wena mfana? Itshukela? Hayi, ngama mango kana Mpilo. I beat her so hard he was unable to sit for a week.' She pauses again and looks at the bridegroom as if she will give him another hiding. "Uyakhumbula ubanjwa ngamapholisa, kuthiwa utshontshe ucingo lwe khiwa?' Then she addresses the crowd, " Uke waboshwa futhi, and spent some time in prison. Oh, what am I saying? He was so naughty and mischievous I never thought I'd see him take a wife. I remember one evening betshontsha imfe kamkhulu, beyibophele emazwaneni, walking away as if they were innocent. Ubethi angathunywa esotolo, abuye lesinkwa sekulugebhezi, esedlile okwaphakathi wakuqeda. Bengihlala ngibiziwe esikolo, yee usetshontshe imali katitsha, or ibhuku lika headmaster, or umphako wabanye abantwana. His wish was to become a doctor. But he left school only at grade 3. Well, we all must grow. He has grown too. Okudala kusele emuva, lokhu sekungokutsha. Iyatsho ivesi loba ngingayazi ukuthi yiphi. Asitshayeni umbululu yililililili!' And everyone joins in and claps.

"Makoti, amavila lamagwala asiwafuni la ko Ndlovu. We ever divorce our women. Here, you got a jewel - please keep it as shiny as you found it. Lathi siyizalukazi sinje usihloniphe." She has so much to say but the MC signals that her time is over. " Ngiyabonga!" she shuffles away to find a new seat because someone else has taken hers.

Ngiyabonga mina.

Mal'phosa

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