Most Pastors are in it for money and sex

There is a story about a pastor visiting some of his sheep one Saturday. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. He took out a card, wrote Revelation 3 verse 20 on the back and stuck it in the door. When offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card was returned, written Genesis 3 verse 10.

There has been a lot of excitement over the past week or two about a video of some pastor - strutting up and down in his house in his happy-birthday suit. My friend's girl friend even joked; 'did you see the pastor's ak47? Ngiyakutshiya vele? And he answered back, do you know how many crimes that ak47 has been used to commit?' Still, I wonder what all this noise is about. Only those who thought he was god will be surprised. Phela oPastor, most of those I know, think they are god and can change the course of your life by use of prayer, touch, water, salt, or kiss. For, just like me and you, he is only a man, a mortal one at that. The undressed truth is that, just like you and me, he will be undressed in his own house - and in other peoples' houses too, given a chance.  And at times in church too - when he remains with umkhokheli to count umnikelo. It's all a muddle. And it will help his critics and admirers to accept that most of these bafundisi or pastors are just in it for money and sex. Just charlatans and hypocrites in it for the benefits - Yibhizimusi. Their guiding principle is 'do as I say, not as I do!'

How safe is your daughter or wife, or both from these prowling goats? The undressed truth is that women enjoy status, even when it comes with disgrace. The fact that 'ubaba' thinks I am more beautiful and sexier than una Zibani, is being abundantly blessed - praise the laaawd! And the poor pastor is spoiled for choice. Every woman literally worships the gown he has on and the ground he walks upon.

'Baba' refers to the pastor. And it is his word that rules our homes.
'Mama, we have to go shopping for school uniforms for Pastorial. (The poor child was christened in church).
'No, silomhlangano lobaba ngo 7 ekuseni.
'Mama, Boy-Boy needs to go to hospital for the tonsillitis.'
'No, ubaba uthe ngize laye echurch azomthandazela. Ngama dimoni.'
 'Mama, umntwana kumele etheswe inkanda ntambama.'
'No, ubaba ungiphe nansi intambo, i-holy oil.'
'Mama, kuyathethelwa ekhaya next month.'
'Ini? ubaba uthi  yizinto zama dimoni lezo.'

Nansi imhlola; izalwa ngaphi lento? Coming all the way from nowhere to ridicule our ways because it claims to have 'seen the light'? Only when they discover he is a player and a liar will they want to video his manhood and post on facebook. Yes, this is the annoying trend that has put imizi yethu under siege. The undressed truth is that a man no-longer has a say about anything in his own home because ubaba will not be pleased. Ilizwi lika pastor lihlonitshwa engekho - elomnini-muzi leqiwa ekhona, ebhekile! And it is so nigh impossible to have an intelligent conversation with most of these women. All they do is look around for the next victim of their praying gift. They are perpetually in some trance, disoriented, delirious and quite out of touch with reality. They are constantly reading the bible and thinking ubaba. Whatever needs to be 'righted' lapha ekhaya will be consigned to prayer.

Some women can't even make breakfast for their husbands because he is not a member of their happy-clappy church. She tows away all the children to church, wena uzazibonela. My friend says his traditional wife of over twenty years is now so vehement about ' - - -no sex before marriage.' And they have four children. She says until the man tows her down the aisle, there will be no more sex at home. Ubaba says so, and it shall be so! You cannot give me counseling about marriage wena ulala la, uvuka le. Like this un-robed pastor, he is so good at teaching about the evils of casual sex. Experience is the best teacher, or is it not? But the Bible warns: ' - - -they must be silenced, because they are ruining house-holds by teaching things they ought not to teach.'

But there are some strong Christians who are so focused they want to mind their own business. He was un-robed yes, in his own house, not the pulpit.  Let the one without sin blah blah blah, and they go back to sin and pray about it the following day. And it goes on and on. Yet others feel there can never be such a thing as minding your own business. Wrong is wrong! If anyone wants to walk un-robed and talk on the 'phone in the privacy of their space that's their business and it does not make them a sinner in any way. But then there were guests. One does not taunt guests with their privates, never. Of course mankind has been walking un-robed since he was created and God was quite fine with it. But what adult will walk around  un-robed, in front of an individual of the opposite sex they are not intimate with? That is not the behaviour Christians expect from a man of God. Whether this was a trap or not is immaterial; what matters is that the pastor is human. If he chooses to make a living selling Christianity or fairytales then he is just a salesman. He did not put a gun to anyone's head to follow his teachings and call him 'baba.' And when the get caught, they will quote a verse about Christians being persecuted for their faith, or something close to this.

Did I not hear one of his brainwashed sheep claiming the pastor's mishap was the work of the devil? For how long shall we blame the poor guy for our own miscalculations? Yet others promised to pray for him, against his enemies. What enemies? Pray for him to do what? Lest we forget, a human being has sexual pangs. This is the enemy they want to pray against? And then they themselves go home and fall to the same enemy? No human being is born a pastor - this being an acquired status. And being a pastor comes with responsibilities and expectation for exemplary behaviour.  A bitter woman will kill their own child just to fix the father - what more a woman who feels she has been used over and over again. But then again, woman has been the downfall of man in many legendary stories both in the bible and mythology.

There are biblical verses about hypocrisy and punishment for deceiving people while using religion (Christianity) to disguise it. And if the bible is anything to go by, those teachers of the word shall be judged more strictly. If one does not want to be held to a stricter and higher standard and judgment then one should not be a pastor. But the most of these guys are in it make it in life; whether their sheep are saved or condemned come judgment day it's not their concern.

And the pastor has urged his admirers they should keep his video. This he said in front of a record attendance two days after the devil's plan to expose him succeeded. Sex sells big; and this is why he preached to multitudes when the rest of the world watched from afar and took notes. I can think of only three reasons he will urge his flock to keep his video. If you want a bad nickname to go away, accept it and never show any offence when they call you by it. So, gradually people will lose interest in the video and the story will die a natural death. Secondly, angincengi; you can do whatever you want with that thing and ngeke ngihlephuke. Thirdly, he knows a few homes have been shaken by the size of his zebed. And many more women who keep the video would like to see it live and count imali yomnikelo lobaba next weekend.

But then as has been said, the pastor is at work e-church. We don't know what he gets up to during his play-time or under cover of the night. He might be a pon-star, a gangster or a Satanist for all we know, and until we know, God guide us all. Yebo baba.

Ngiyabonga mina!