Opinion / Columnist
My husband has lost his sex drive
10 May 2015 at 05:10hrs | Views
Hi Sis Noe
MY husband is a respected politician but behind closed doors he is a monster. He beats me up. He comes home drunk all the time. - Help.
Reply
This mental and physical abuse has to stop here. Your bullying husband's so-called respectability is a sham and you have to get out before he destroys you. When you are ready, this abuse must also be reported to the police. Nothing gives him the right to push you around and you deserve so much better.
Hi Sis Noe
My husband is diabetic and has lost his sex drive. The doctor prescribed viagra for him but he no longer seems interested. He rarely takes the pills. I am not happy anymore. - Starved.
Reply
It is hard for you that your partner doesn't want to make love or understand how much you are missing it. The majority of men would care about your needs and would want to do something about it. Some avoid sex, however, because they feel embarrassed, frustrated and guilty, but that leaves their partner feeling rejected, hurt and angry. Gently try to encourage him to talk about this so you both have more understanding about why he is avoiding sex. Tell him what a good lover he used to be and can be again if he takes viagra or cialis (if his doctor agrees its safe). Cialis enables the man to respond to sexual stimulation for up to 36 hours. As sexual desire does not happen naturally, suggest that you could both agree to set aside time each week to make love.
Hi Sis Noe
My husband left me after we agreed that we are not compatible anymore. The problem is that I now hate him because he is the one who suggested we part ways. I have lost all respect for him. I don't even want to talk to him when he comes to collect the children for the weekend but I put on a fake smile. - Help.
Reply
One of the most important things a couple needs to do when they split up is to put the children first. Divorce is never easy for children, but it is far worse for them if it is acrimonious. So you are doing the right thing by being nice to your ex in front of them. This is not easy, I know, especially as you are feeling hurt and angry, but try to let it go. To just walk out when there are children is not fair to them or you. Often someone leaves a marriage because there is already someone else involved - do you think that could be the case here? Let off steam with close family and friends. It will get easier as time goes by, especially if you meet someone new who is worthy of your love.
Hi Sis Noe
I am having problems with my husband. One time he threatened to leave me. I always suspected that he was cheating but he denied it. I now have evidence that he was having an affair. He now wants to save our marriage. Should I tell him I know he was cheating? - Worried.
Reply
The discovery of an affair is always devastating, and even if you both want to be together, it does take time to repair the marriage and rebuild the trust. Though you are afraid that telling him you know about the affair might work against rebuilding the marriage, I think it would actually make it more difficult if you carried this secret for the rest of your life. One of the most important things that makes a marriage work is for the couple to be able to communicate about everything, the good and the bad. From what you say I don't think this has happened in your relationship. So if you want it to be different in the future, you really do have to be open with each other. He needs to understand and regret the hurt he has caused you. You need to discuss why he had the affair, why he felt he did not love you and how he feels now. You also need to talk about how you would like the future to be and what changes you would both like.
Hi Sis Noe
I have not had sex with my husband for three years because it's painful for me. I have gone to doctors but nothing seems to work. I fear that he will leave me. One doctor told me I have vaginitis but the problem has not ended. - Worried.
Reply
If it is vaginitis your doctor should have been able to prescribe antibiotics or other medication. However, I wonder if the problem could be vaginismus, which is an involuntary tightening of the vaginal muscles sometimes caused by the anticipation of pain. This condition makes penetration either painful or impossible but it is treatable. Ask your doctor to refer you to a gynaecologist or specialist who is trained in psychosexual medicine. There are such things as dilators that can be used in the privacy of your home to help you relax and in time make penetration possible.
Hi Sis Noe
I am having an affair with a married man. The problem I have is that I only see him when he wants to see me. Whenever I want to be with him he will not be available but he expects me to be available the moment he calls me. Is he being fair? - Confused.
Reply
If a single person is involved with someone who is married, the affair tends to be conducted on the latter's terms. So they can only see you when they are able to slip away from their spouse without causing suspicion. They usually have to rush back to work or home after a few hours of passionate sex. They can never go on holiday or spend important dates together such as birthdays and Christmas. If you do go out together, it has to be some distance from home and there is always the fear that you will be seen, and many are caught out this way. Some promise to leave their marriage but never quite get around to it. Others make it clear from the beginning that they will never leave their spouse. You are not being fair to his wife or to yourself. It would be much wiser to end the affair and find someone who is free to have a relationship with you.
Hi Sis Noe
My husband had an affair two years ago. We have worked things out but at times I just get angry at him. Most times I don't express my frustrations but days ago I couldn't stop myself from asking him a lot of questions. I am jealous and disappointed. I have asked him about the woman he cheated with but he has never told me a thing. - Help me.
Reply
When a husband or wife has had an affair, even several years later a television programme, a song or something in a newspaper or magazine can bring it all rushing back, and it's very painful. Most people who have been betrayed need to talk about what happened and why over and over again, usually much more than their partner wants to. When you took your husband back, you bottled up your feelings rather than talking about them. Eventually the questions did come spilling out, which is part of the healing process, but it also makes it feel as if it has only just happened all over again. The other issue that makes it so difficult is that he has never criticised his ex-mistress, so you then wonder how much she meant to him and perhaps feel that he is protecting her, which probably makes you feel that he is putting her before you. He needs to understand some of your anger about her as well as his own regrets about how much he has hurt you. Sometimes it's more difficult to forgive someone if you no longer love them.
Hi Sis Noe
I am a 23-year-old beautiful woman based in Bulawayo and I am looking for a man aged 26 to 30 to have a relationship with. The man must be presentable and should have a good job.
Reply
For the number of the above woman please contact me on 0773 111 328.
MY husband is a respected politician but behind closed doors he is a monster. He beats me up. He comes home drunk all the time. - Help.
Reply
This mental and physical abuse has to stop here. Your bullying husband's so-called respectability is a sham and you have to get out before he destroys you. When you are ready, this abuse must also be reported to the police. Nothing gives him the right to push you around and you deserve so much better.
Hi Sis Noe
My husband is diabetic and has lost his sex drive. The doctor prescribed viagra for him but he no longer seems interested. He rarely takes the pills. I am not happy anymore. - Starved.
Reply
It is hard for you that your partner doesn't want to make love or understand how much you are missing it. The majority of men would care about your needs and would want to do something about it. Some avoid sex, however, because they feel embarrassed, frustrated and guilty, but that leaves their partner feeling rejected, hurt and angry. Gently try to encourage him to talk about this so you both have more understanding about why he is avoiding sex. Tell him what a good lover he used to be and can be again if he takes viagra or cialis (if his doctor agrees its safe). Cialis enables the man to respond to sexual stimulation for up to 36 hours. As sexual desire does not happen naturally, suggest that you could both agree to set aside time each week to make love.
Hi Sis Noe
My husband left me after we agreed that we are not compatible anymore. The problem is that I now hate him because he is the one who suggested we part ways. I have lost all respect for him. I don't even want to talk to him when he comes to collect the children for the weekend but I put on a fake smile. - Help.
Reply
One of the most important things a couple needs to do when they split up is to put the children first. Divorce is never easy for children, but it is far worse for them if it is acrimonious. So you are doing the right thing by being nice to your ex in front of them. This is not easy, I know, especially as you are feeling hurt and angry, but try to let it go. To just walk out when there are children is not fair to them or you. Often someone leaves a marriage because there is already someone else involved - do you think that could be the case here? Let off steam with close family and friends. It will get easier as time goes by, especially if you meet someone new who is worthy of your love.
Hi Sis Noe
I am having problems with my husband. One time he threatened to leave me. I always suspected that he was cheating but he denied it. I now have evidence that he was having an affair. He now wants to save our marriage. Should I tell him I know he was cheating? - Worried.
Reply
The discovery of an affair is always devastating, and even if you both want to be together, it does take time to repair the marriage and rebuild the trust. Though you are afraid that telling him you know about the affair might work against rebuilding the marriage, I think it would actually make it more difficult if you carried this secret for the rest of your life. One of the most important things that makes a marriage work is for the couple to be able to communicate about everything, the good and the bad. From what you say I don't think this has happened in your relationship. So if you want it to be different in the future, you really do have to be open with each other. He needs to understand and regret the hurt he has caused you. You need to discuss why he had the affair, why he felt he did not love you and how he feels now. You also need to talk about how you would like the future to be and what changes you would both like.
Hi Sis Noe
I have not had sex with my husband for three years because it's painful for me. I have gone to doctors but nothing seems to work. I fear that he will leave me. One doctor told me I have vaginitis but the problem has not ended. - Worried.
Reply
If it is vaginitis your doctor should have been able to prescribe antibiotics or other medication. However, I wonder if the problem could be vaginismus, which is an involuntary tightening of the vaginal muscles sometimes caused by the anticipation of pain. This condition makes penetration either painful or impossible but it is treatable. Ask your doctor to refer you to a gynaecologist or specialist who is trained in psychosexual medicine. There are such things as dilators that can be used in the privacy of your home to help you relax and in time make penetration possible.
Hi Sis Noe
I am having an affair with a married man. The problem I have is that I only see him when he wants to see me. Whenever I want to be with him he will not be available but he expects me to be available the moment he calls me. Is he being fair? - Confused.
Reply
If a single person is involved with someone who is married, the affair tends to be conducted on the latter's terms. So they can only see you when they are able to slip away from their spouse without causing suspicion. They usually have to rush back to work or home after a few hours of passionate sex. They can never go on holiday or spend important dates together such as birthdays and Christmas. If you do go out together, it has to be some distance from home and there is always the fear that you will be seen, and many are caught out this way. Some promise to leave their marriage but never quite get around to it. Others make it clear from the beginning that they will never leave their spouse. You are not being fair to his wife or to yourself. It would be much wiser to end the affair and find someone who is free to have a relationship with you.
Hi Sis Noe
My husband had an affair two years ago. We have worked things out but at times I just get angry at him. Most times I don't express my frustrations but days ago I couldn't stop myself from asking him a lot of questions. I am jealous and disappointed. I have asked him about the woman he cheated with but he has never told me a thing. - Help me.
Reply
When a husband or wife has had an affair, even several years later a television programme, a song or something in a newspaper or magazine can bring it all rushing back, and it's very painful. Most people who have been betrayed need to talk about what happened and why over and over again, usually much more than their partner wants to. When you took your husband back, you bottled up your feelings rather than talking about them. Eventually the questions did come spilling out, which is part of the healing process, but it also makes it feel as if it has only just happened all over again. The other issue that makes it so difficult is that he has never criticised his ex-mistress, so you then wonder how much she meant to him and perhaps feel that he is protecting her, which probably makes you feel that he is putting her before you. He needs to understand some of your anger about her as well as his own regrets about how much he has hurt you. Sometimes it's more difficult to forgive someone if you no longer love them.
Hi Sis Noe
I am a 23-year-old beautiful woman based in Bulawayo and I am looking for a man aged 26 to 30 to have a relationship with. The man must be presentable and should have a good job.
Reply
For the number of the above woman please contact me on 0773 111 328.
Source - sundaynews
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