Empower the girl first before she gets married Pt 1

Taken from  eBook "Sweetmother"

I am Ruvimbo and my family comes from Mawanda near Makwiro. We are seven in the family and I am the last born child, born in 1957. The first four were girls and then came the two boys and I was gotkwe, the last born child. The household chores were done by my mother and sisters and the men chores were men chores strictly demarcated according to gender. But I was there just wandering playfully in the home without elaborate duties to do. It felt as if I was loved and spoilt by all at home because I was the last born. I was seven years old when I started my primary education at Mawanda Primary School. I was in Standard Three when everybody thought I was too spoilt a child. Alone going to school I would go with food to eat, which was not the case with other pupils of my age. My mother was concerned I would get hungry at school! My sister would be told to wash me to go to school so that I was clean always.

It was my father who advised that I needed to go to a boarding school so that I do not get very spoilt at home by my mother, grandmother, my aunts and all my sisters. I can say I come from a very conservative and affluent background. My family owned a farm, a big farm and we lived in an extended set up, my parents and grandparent of my father, his brothers and sister lived with us on this big farm. The home was a big house with 5 bedrooms and outbuildings (bedroom and sitting room) where my grandparents lived and a cottage for my aunt who still lived with us on the farm. Again, there was a second home for my uncle who live a mile away from our home. I attended the rest of my primary school as a boarder at Marshal Hartley Mission. I developed immensely as a boarder. It meant washing my own clothes and ironing them. Making my own bed early in the morning and washing with very cold water always. I had a wonderful school life as I was good in sport especially netball. Local schools would come and do sports against us at the mission, I would be the person in my element there as I was an all-rounder in athletics.

Marshall shall never, Marshall shall never
Marshall shall never be beaten
Shall never!

I went to do my secondary education at Bonda Mission in Umtali, (now called St. David's Mission). I attended my secondary school without any effort at all, I passed just to qualify to train as a nurse but did not manage university entry point. I went to train as a nurse at Harare Hospital after my form six. During the training, I fell in love with a young man who was at the UR, University of Rhodesia, and his name was Rushaya also from the same area but his farm was further in Dombwe. We had a romantic life in Salisbury then. It was fashionable to have an aspiring graduate as a boyfriend at the university. If they were dance evenings at the UR, I was there like all other nurses who had "catches" at the UR.  We were considered privileged to have such connections with such a higher institution of learning.

If there was a dancing ball at the nursing home we invited our boyfriends, our "future men" to come for the great occasion. I had just finished my last examination when I thought of introducing my boyfriend to my aunt sister to my father, Tete. She was happy about this development and we kept the secret for some time so that I actually finished the nursing course. I did indeed and then came the inevitable. I organized with Tete how we going to introduce my boyfriend to my parents. My aunt had an idea as she had already done this to my older sisters who left the father-home with a big wedding setting an example to me that only that way, through marriage can you leave your father's home officially. I had seen the beauty of these marriage ceremonies happening at the home. I had seen the beauty of the tradition of roora with my own eyes done to all my older sisters. I must have emulated this consciously and subconsciously. A decent woman is a married woman, it does not matter how educated you are, was the mantra at my home.

My dear aunt gave an appointment that she was coming to see my father on a very important issue. When my father heard this he smiled, knowing the importance of her appointments and what they meant all the time. Indeed my aunt came early in the morning before my father left for work at his farm as usual. After tea, my father was told,
Tete: My brother, I have come to tell you that your daughter Ruvimbo is a grown-up girl now. She wants to set up her own home. She has found a young man who has promised her to set up a home together. Now I am asking for your approval.
Father: Thank you very much for the good news, my sister. As you know in our culture such news please every father. I hope her mother would be pleased to hear such news too. As you know, it is not possible to come up with a correct wording in such a situation. I feel flattered and proud at the same time. I would like to see this young man who wishes to share his life with my daughter.
Tete: Please give me time to talk to them I would let you know in time when that would take place.

That was the first meeting that was to open up the rituals and ceremonies prior to my wedding day. But before we could invite my boyfriend to come home and be seen. My aunt and I went to see the home were my boyfriend lived kuDombwe. Here it was serious stuff. We were actually addressed as varoora, future daughter-in-laws, a term that also applied to my aunt too. When we arrived we sat on the ground and not on chairs as a sign of humility and respect. We were greeted in turns, first the mother and father, then the grandparents, then the sisters, then the relatives of the family and the friends of the family. A goat was slaughtered together with two chickens in our honour. Food was cooked and neighbours came to the feast. There was no formal introduction as everything around us spoke for itself. It was a happy  feast day and pleasant to all who came to see the future daughter-in-law, a qualified nurse at Gomo Hospital, that was me the centre of attention. Although I had seen this before one is never prepared enough for this occasion. I had very little time to have a talk to my future husband. It was not allowed. We were then driven by the uncle of my boyfriend back to Mawanda in the evening.

I was emotionally exhausted after those two encounters. I needed to go back to Salisbury to finish up my midwifery course and start working. The meeting that was to take place at my father's home lingered in me to do it. We would meet with my future husband and plan our wedding, who is going to be the chief bridesmaid, the bridesmaids, the best man, stressful things for the two of us but enjoyable to comprehend it all. He had just graduated too at UR as a teacher, PGCE and was then teaching at Fletcher High School in Gwelo.  It was a school holiday in August we decided that my boyfriend comes home and be seen by my parents. My father was happy, but he gave him no chance to talk whatever was supposed to be talked. That reaction my father gave, again had its own interpretation. He had to show this young man that he was not too anxious about the roora he was going to pay. That reaction of my father paid as in no time the father to my boyfriend sent three go-betweens to my father asking for the hand of marriage of his daughter. My father told them to come some other time, they were sent back empty handed.

But who knows the tradition of the people of Mazezuru would know that it was just a part of it for the father of the girl to react that way? It was November we had planned to wed at Christmas. My father was still at his proud traditional traits after all it was his last daughter, he wanted to enjoy this last bit with the last born girl. The day was set for the great day. My father was in his best self. There were three goats and three chicken slaughtered just for this occasion. Fizzy drinks in crates, there was traditional opaque beer and crates of Castle, Lion Lagers, milk stout, two whiskey bottles were bought too. I wondered how it was going to be like at my wedding if my father was giving so much at my day of roora alone, he was showcasing no less. Relatives and friends were invited but were to come later in the day after the roora had been settled. It was going to be the topic of discussion, how much was settled as roora that good day!

It was early in the morning when my boyfriend and the three go-in-betweens came to the meeting. The serious stuff started to unveil itself, my aunt was there who was to verify if it was indeed this young man in question present . My aunt verified him in the presence of all invited:
Father: Just to enter my homestead alone asking for the hand of marriage to my daughter I need one bull.
Father: Who told you that I have a beautiful girl in my homestead? I need one cow for that. Wakandidzwa nani kuti ndinewanasikana akanaka?
Father: do you know that my daughter is an educated woman? Mwana wangu mukorichi ka. I need five cows and one ox for that.
Go-in-between: Can you please be lenient, Baba we know you well in connection to our relative from KwaMsengezi vekwaChihota.
Father: Aha! So it means we are related. Is that so? So let's cut the relationship for you to able to marry my daughter by giving me a black and white cow. Hatichekeyi hukama! Cheka hukama ne mombe jena.

Cheka hukama he
Cheka hukama ne mombe jena ya baba wangu iyo yakanaka
Wakandidzwa nani? Wakandidzwa nani kuti ndine mwanasikana wakanaka

Father: The mother would need two blankets and her grandmother would need also two blankets. Then I would charge you with one cow for the mother on top of that.
Father: Now the rusambo itself I would charge ten cattle. It can be mixed, cows and oxen it does not matter.
Father: For her aunt, two blankets and a shawl and $200 Rhodesian Dollars for her role she played in the roora arrangements. She has done it very well and we are grateful to her.  
Father: I am through! Ndapedza zvangu, if you have questions please liaise with her Aunt "tete," the person you know very well.
Go-in-between: Thank you very much Baba you will hear from us when we are ready.
Mambure mambure, mambure mambure
Ukatshada nomkorichi
Mombe dzako dzopera


When they left the party started. My father and mother were over the moon. It was a party that never seemed to end until Christmas came. It was the comings and goings of people coming to congratulate my parents for yet another joyful event on the way.   For a while, it seemed as if I was the centre of all that meant goodness in my father's home. I was an educated daughter, a qualified nurse got me married by the traditions of the Zezuru culture to a university-educated man. I was the baby daughter that was to be traditionally sent off in accordance with the values and protocol of the Zezuru people. We were not prepared for the wedding yet. We needed to postpone the big day for Easter so that the roora settlements are done without the pressure of the wedding. That was a respite for me to still work enough to pay for dresses for my ten bridesmaids. My sisters assisted me in the making of the dresses for my bridesmaids. My wedding dress was very special it was bought by my sisters, making it easier for me to concentrate on other costs. The roora was paid in full and in a short space of time to my father's satisfaction. Nothing stood in the way of a big wedding.  

My sisters came to collect me at the nurses' home with all the dresses and all the things I needed for the wedding. It was perfumes, makeup, the famous dress to change when I leave my father's home. It was an enjoyable stress to think about everything one needed on that big day. Little did I know that there was a mini party prepared for me by them at home a day before the actual wedding, the kitchen party? When we arrived at my father's home all relatives started ululating, acknowledging my arrival. I was nearer to crying because it was now real I was getting married and leaving the home I have known since I was born. It was so emotional. I was never allowed to touch anything in the home because if I did touch things in the home I was going to evoke bad luck for the coming day! Bad luck! Oh my, Oh my!  I was surprised by a kitchen party that was organized by my sisters and aunts and many other female relatives of both my parents.

 I went straight to the party room and everybody was there, all very close female relatives of my both parents were there. There was food, music, drinks, it was such a positive commotion reminiscent of weddings I had seen in this home from my older sisters. Suddenly, my Aunt took charge of the room and started talking about the sending off of her niece. It is tradition to give one or two words of caution "what it means to get married". I listened, it was getting serious now.
Tete: Can we please ululate for our youngest daughter who is leaving her father's home in accordance with the tradition of our people vemaZezuru.
Audience:  Borrrrro Borrrro!
Tete: Can someone read for us a chapter in the Bible? We want our advice to be guided by the words in the Bible, please read for us the summary: Deuteronomy Chapter 28, Verse 1 to 39: Blessing and cursing for obedience

Audience gets a reader: "if we do not keep God's commandments, we not only come short of the blessing promised, but we lay ourselves under the curse, which includes all misery, as the blessing all happiness. Observe the justice of this curse. It is not a curse causeless, or for some light cause. The extent and power of this curse. Wherever the sinner goes, the curse of God follows, wherever he is, it rests upon him. Whatever he has is under a curse. All his enjoyments are made bitter, he cannot take any true comfort in them, for the wrath of God mixes itself with them. Many judgments are here stated, which would be the fruits of the curse, and with which God would punish the people of the Jews, for their apostasy and disobedience. We may observe the fulfilling of these threatening in their present state. To complete their misery, it is threatened that by these troubles they should be bereaved of all comfort and hope, and left to utter despair. Those who walk by sight and not by faith are in danger of losing reason itself, when everything about them looks frightful".

Tete: Let's pray and open the kitchen party with a prayer;
We thank you Lord for making it possible for us to be gathered in this blessed home of my brother, Mpofuna. We thank you for the good works and the daily love and blessing that follow us in all our different ways. You are indeed the Alpha and Omega and you said all of them gathered in your name, you would be their midst. We invite you to be present now. Guide our tongues as we speak, advising our child what her path would be as she leaves this home because at the end of the day you are one who will bless the marriage of these two gifted people. We thank again the spirit in which all the woman in this room are here for. They are here to counsel our daughter. Guide and give us one spirit to do well in your name. We ask this in the name of the father the son and the Holy Spirit amen!
Audience: Amen

Tete:  Ruvimbo, you make all of us proud in this home today. We have all come to say goodbye, we your female relatives and give you some words of advice to take them with you to your new home. You pleased your father and mother in equal measure. Just like your sisters you are leaving this home in full traditions of our people. You should know that you are taking with you your parents' blessings. Yes, you are educated. It is for this reason you got hooked by this young man because he knows you are not empty-handed, you have something to offer in the marriage both of you. To put it straight, you are resourceful. But because marriage is different from a nursing profession, you need to still know that you are not his equal in this marriage. In marriage there is nothing like you are equal to your husband, such a marriage would fail from the onset.  Even in the Bible, it says the man is the head of the family in as much as Christ is the head of the church. Take your Christian values with you and you would never go wrong. Show your in-laws you are God-fearing. You must love and obey him all the time.

When you give him food please kneel down or you bend one knee to show absolute respect for him. You do not answer back when there is quarrel at home, let him talk until he has finished talking he will calm down alone without you answering him.  Even if you work at Gomo (Harare Hospital) yes you are a nurse, but remember you have the responsibility to be the wife and mother in the home and it means the cooking is done by you and not the maid. A maid can snatch the man away from you.  Ayo ndiwo mashoko angu. These are my contributions.

Aunt:  We know you, Ruvimbo, you are very intelligent. Please forget about your hot head today. Forget you are intelligent if you want this marriage to succeed. You are going to a new terrain that needs total obedience, never lift up your head like you have doing at your father's home. Remember, you are not married to your father but a strange person. Never refuse a man sex if he wants it that day. You are there to please your marriage and not your moods. Leave your mood swings here today. Do not shake hands with your father-in-law; perhaps he does not like it. Do not enter into their bedroom its taboo. You would have broken the number one law in the home. If you hear them gossiping about you, do not ask them because they would be trying you to see what kind of a person you are.

Do not punish any of the children in the home; leave them to do what they want but as time goes on you find your own position in the home. When you make love to your husband make sure you have a cloth all the time to wipe off the "man fluids" hurume, coming out of him. He does not need to do that himself, that would be sign that you were not taught any manners at all. When you bath in the morning, you bath together with this cloth and it would be hidden just like your own panties. It should never be seen by any member of the family except you and him. Do not start scratching his back asking for sex, he will know when you want it himself. And when you make love do not just sleep and think he would do the job himself.

 Show him you know something, you have been taught something. Now let me show you what you should do, please put some music I want to dance some act, chinamwari, that can be useful to her. She dances to the music and she shows how it's done in the bedroom. As time goes on, you will perfect it and you will enjoy it as well. You do not put anything into your grandmother (vagina) to make it small at all. It destroys the lining of the grandmother (vagina). Ndezvematradition nemayitiro echiNdevere, hanzi sauti-sauti, zvino tightena! Usayise ntolwane dzavo idzodzo dzinokukhuvadza pakaipa. Please make sure you do not befriend your in-laws too early in your marriage, take it bit by bit. Listen to them talking than they should listen to you talking. Remember they are there to pick up anything to laugh at you. Do not give them a chance. It is good to show them that you have been warned about their ill-intensions. Otherwise they would say, she talks too much. "ane speed muroora wacho" And when they say this it can hurt you. Your intensions would be good but not theirs, you do not know them well enough to crack a joke with them. Ayo ndiwo mashoko angu. These are my own contributions!

Audience: Great laugh!
I asked one question: When I sleep with my husband would there be music to dance to so that I can dance like what you have showed me now, while he is making love?
Audience: They all laughed!
Aunt, Oh my God! Sex itself is music my dear, you do not need external music for that! This music that was played was to illustrate to you how it is going to be like in real situation, when the grandfather is entering in you, odayi odayi. Zvinotapira se huchi mwana we hanzvadzi yangu!
Audience: They all laughed

Sister: I just want to allude to what has already been said by aunt. My young sister, jokes aside, marriage is not a small thing. Make sure as from now when you leave us tomorrow, you tell yourself that you are an obedient person to your husband. When problems start in the home please do not tell your friends and do not jump around and come home for some small thing. You must learn to persevere and keep your home secrets. You would season up and as time goes on, he would trust you if he knows that you do not tell people about the happenings in your home especially the bedroom politics. Please keep quite about your bedroom issues do not tell anybody what happens behind that door. Make sure you have one bank account and not two, he would get suspicious if he thought you are managing your money on your own.

Since you stay in town, it's easy to tell you to bath every day before you go to bed because you do not know when he would want to make love to you and you do not refuse if he wants it that day. Do not tell him you are tired, there is nothing like that! When you quarrel, you do not answer back, you keep quiet. He will calm down on his own. If he starts relationships with young girls outside there, remember one thing all the time; you are married to him. So, do not compete with prostitutes outside and jeopardize the dignity of your marriage status. He will come back on his own if you do not challenge him about it.

 Please cook the best food for him, and he will feel guilty and will drop the girl and will be home with you again. We say all this because we have seen it in our marriages. We know what tricks work and what tricks do not work. Again, no confrontation with girls outside there as they are not your equals. You are higher than them because you are married and they are not. Pleasing him in bed, you must do it all the time because that is the trick, it is the love potion of nowadays! ndiwo mupfuhwira wemazuvano. Pass bedroom politics, first the rest is just management. You must master the art of bedroom dances to please him. You will be told when the time comes what you should do when you get pregnant and what you are expected to do after the birth of the baby. These are my own contributions! Ayo ndiwo mashoko angu, ndatenda.

Aunt: You must forget for a while that you are educated. You must have your head covered with a duku all the time in the presence of your in-laws as a sign of respect. Never show your in-laws that you are moody, it's not a good sign of a respectable daughter-in-law.  It does not matter how painful a situation can be like just smile it off and forget as if it did not happen. When you do that you will be above board all the time. I shall be with you the first days at your in-laws. So it will make it easier for you to know what to do all the time. When you give your father-in-law food you must kneel down and this goes for your mother-in-law too. Before you start eating, you must clap your hands as a sign of respect for their food. After every meal, you must say thank to both father-in-law and mother-in-law and using their totems. But if you think your marriage is getting dangerous and he is abusive you know who to tell first, you have your sisters, anatete vese.

Do not tell mother first just in case we can solve the problem without your mother knowing you are not happy in your marriage. When you get pregnant, please come home and tell mother. She is the one to know before all of us. We do not want to take that responsibility away from her. I am sure we have not covered all aspect of the advice you are supposed to take with you to the new home. We shall be telling you bit by bit when you have settled in your new home. It is getting late, so now we can share with you the wedding gifts we have got for you. Welcome to the club of married people! We welcome you with both hands. Tell yourself you will never fail in marriage because it would mean we have failed your marriage as well. Know we are here for you all the time. The tricks about marriage we know them we shall pass them to you to pass marriage. In 5 to 10 years you will be sitting here advising younger girls about marriage. You will be experienced to tell them what works and what does not work. These are my own contributions!

Aunt: She must be told now what she shall do when she gets a baby, let's not leave stones unturned. When you get pregnant, continue to give him sex. Do not stop even if its painful do not stop, because if you do, he will go away and look for another one outside. After the birth of the baby, the moment you stop the periods please give him, at no time should you deprive him of sex, please, please. You clean your grandmother (vagina) with just plain water after birth, she will be "small" just by cleaning it with cold water. When he gets visitors, do not sit with the visitors in the sitting room. Go to the kitchen and stay there, pretend you are making tea or cooking food for the visitors. We women we belong to the kitchen and not the sitting room. A sitting room is for Daddy and his visitors. By the way, you do not call him by his first name anymore, you say Daddy. He is your father as from tomorrow. You have been calling each other by name because you were girlfriend and boyfriend. Today is the last day you would say Rushaya, he is now Daddy, Baba, full stop, no argument with that. These are my contributions, ndatenda.

I trembled the entire time the kitchen party was on. I thought I was going to be asked about my virginity, are you still a virgin? It was not asked. But since I was a nurse they may have missed that part subconsciously. I was not a virgin at all as we had been sleeping together when I was still a student nurse and him a student at UR. We thought we did not need to wait for "the day". We used condoms all the time when we thought we should have it. After those dinner dances at UR, we never thought we would miss out those evenings again to wait for "the day"?

I got so many gifts at the kitchen party, I could not count. I wondered how I was going to take them to Salisbury to our new home. It would need a hired car to get all the stuff. I was so exhausted after that kitchen party, it was an eye-opener and I wondered if I was going to adhere to all that advice I got at the kitchen party, some of which was impossible for a qualified nurse like me! It was late at night my sisters made the final touching for me as I was not allowed to touch anything a day before the wedding. I could hardly ever eat anything at all, I just nibbled food here and there to keep myself strong for the next day. My sisters told me to sleep but I just lay in bed and rested. It was excitement like no other.  


When I woke up, it was my wedding day. I was woken up at 5 o'clock in the morning by my sisters. The bath was full of warm water prepared by them, my sisters. They all bathed me as if I was a baby. After the bath I was given some food to eat, I could take only porridge rezviyo, otherwise the stomach would say it loud that you are hungry at the church service, they said. Suddenly, my mother came to see me dress in the white dress. She cried the golden tears seeing her daughter so beautiful, I was indeed beautiful in the white dress. At exactly 8 o'clock in the morning we were ready to go to church for the service. My brother drove the car, my father's car, Peugeot. I sat with my father at the back. It was a five mile drive to church to Msengezi Council School. Just when we were driving towards Kariwo's store, we met the groom's entourage going to the church. Both car entourages started hooting for joy at each other, our car managed to push in so that we were the first to get there before them. Our car parked near the church and we waited for the invited people to enter the church and settle before my father and I strode right in the presence of all invited singing, "here comes the bride all dressed in white", that was me. I remembered to smile when we entered the church and I saw Rushaya ahead of us wearing a light brown suit. He looked different with his hair cut. It was a different day for the two of us, a special day. Besides him were his best men, ten of them. The rest I cannot remember well as I was in a trance. I just remembered when I was told to say after the priest, "for better for worse, until death do us part" My fate was sealed by those words and my life changed forever.
We drove back home for the big feast that was given in honour of me by my parents. My parents were known as big time spenders if there was a wedding or any cultural events that took part at our home. Friend, relatives and neighbourhoods were present. Songs across cultural divides were sung that day.

Amainini tsamba dziye dzamainyora ndiwo mbairo werudo
Amainini tsamba dziye dzamainyora ndiwo mbairo werudo
Amainini tsamba dziye dzamainyora ndiwo mbairo werudo

 Even ana londolozela songs were sung too, my mother's connections to the isiNdebele culture. What was remarkable was cooking that was done throughout the day, because the wedding guests poured in at every time of the day. Children young and older ones, relatives of servants from farms belonging to settlers from Makwiro were there too to assist and to be present and be part of it.  High lunch for the wedding was at 1 o'clock. It was the twelve of us at a table outside the tree shade. It was the famous chicken meat plus rice and potatoes and salads and beef, oh my, oh my. I had an appetite and I enjoyed myself and my newly wedded husband enjoyed it seems, but shocked at how much my parents can showcase in the form of the wedding feast. I was not shocked as I knew how much my parents can organize details of feast to make them enjoyable to all invited. Absolutely nothing is spared to make it a success. It was the speech by the father of the bride followed by the giving of gifts and the final prayer that sent me to go and change for the departure.

Hukamaiko hunenge husawira
Hukamaiko hunenge husawira
Hunenge husawira
Hunenge husawira
Hunenge husawira