I'm married to a hothead

Dear Mai Chisamba, my heart is bleeding as I write to you. I am happily married and we are blessed with four kids. My husband is 37 and I am 35 and we have been married for a decade. My youngest child is a two-year-old toddler. We were blessed with this boy after we thought we were done with child bearing. My husband's sister, the last born in their family, has a son the same age as ours. Tete came home and asked if she could take our baby for some time since her son was lonely and needed someone to play and chat with. We gladly agreed as we thought there was nothing wrong with such an arrangement. Last week Saturday, I went to tete's house and found my son rolling and crying in the driveway.

I picked him up when I drove in achiita kufemereka neshungu and asked the maid what was happening since tete and her son were not at home. The maid explained that kana vachibuda nemota vanomusiya nekuti vanonetsa kana vari two and each time this happens uyu anosara achichema, in most cases he cries himself to sleep. My heart missed a beat. I was so hurt seeing him in tears and some had dried on his face.

I waited for thirty minutes but tete did not show up. I then asked the maid to pack my son's clothes and I took him home. Since then, tete has not spoken to me. She did not even ask why I had taken my child. My husband is in full support of what I did. The sad thing she did was to give notice to the maid to quit end of August. She needs the job as far as I am concerned. Basing on what the maid told me, family members are already poking their noses into this issue. My mother-in-law used to speak with me almost on a daily basis but she has gone silent. Please assist me.

Response

It is very refreshing to hear of blossoming and happy marriages. It is a breath of fresh air, well done and keep it that way. I do not understand why tete is behaving this way. Instead of rushing to fire the maid she could simply explain that she cannot handle the two kids, especially when driving. I think there is more than what meets the eye. I always say most families complicate issues or blow things out of proportion because of a lack of communication nekungofungirana.

Why has she gone quiet? And who in their normal senses does not follow up kutorwa kwemwana? She asked for this toddler so he could be a companion to her son so why did she leave him behind when she travelled? In my view, the best was to either take both or to leave both crying at home. Her actions were rather segregatory.

I always say if you do something in anger you will regret it later. People need to calm down first before taking any action. What has happened to amai, asiri muzukuru wavo ndeupi ipapa? In this case, you need to take the bull by its horns and discuss this face to face. Go and confront tete with your husband, tell her you were not amused with what she did. If she has other issues with the maid, this is not the time to send her away because she will not understand why she was dismissed, especially if what she said was the truth. The sooner you do this the better since you say some are already poking their nose into this. These people in Shona are called "vana pisai tigodzimura". This is a simple and straight forward issue, iron it out once and for all. For now stay with your kid, zvinozonetsa. I know you feel let down by tete but such is life.

You need each other, you are family, clear the air and move on. Please persuade tete to spare the maid aigodiiwo iye achivhunzwa? If the two kids were both hers she was going to find a quick solution to that and that is what she should have done. The kids are not grudge bearing, maybe it is the ride they cry for so dismiss this with the contempt it deserves. I wish you all the best.

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I married the
wrong person

I personally benefit from reading this column, keep up the good work.

I have a problem, and I think you can help. I am a 27-year-old woman. I dated my first boyfriend when I was 20 years old but he never proposed. Most of the girls I went to school with either got married or had babies, the same applied kune vekuchurch.

Mai Chisamba, I was like an outcast, everyone was asking why I was still single and I had no answer. Last year, some guy that I thought was in the fast lane proposed love to me and I said yes but that was not from the heart. He was head over heels in love with me but we were not on the same wave length. Within a few months, he proposed marriage to which I said yes.

This guy loves me with all his heart. We tied the knot at a very flashy wedding ceremony but my heart belongs to my old flame. He is the same age as my ex-boyfriend, they are both 32 years old. My husband ane tunhu twake, money, cars and the lifestyle most women would cry for. I know you always say never marry for any other reason except love. I am sorry I did that, I married in order to silence family and friends and I will live to regret it.

He is loving and he cares so much but I just cannot pretend to love him and he complains that I am so cold. Its true, I am. I drive a posh car.

We have a beautiful apartment but my heart is empty.

We have been married for over a year and I cannot take it any longer. I know it is wrong but I am still in love with my ex-boyfriend and he now wants us to get married. I genuinely want to opt out and my husband will find this abnormal but I just cannot carry on.

Handipenge mai Chisamba, but I made a blunder. We do not have a child yet in this union. I am prepared to walk out with nothing but go to the love of my life. How do I tell my hubby? How will our families take this? I tried my best to love him, aiwa hazvimo. Society pushed me into this. You handle so many cases, I know mine is not unique. My heart is with my old flame ndiye wandinoda.

Response

My word! What a letter and what a confession. Yes, I handle a lot of issues but this really is a catch 22 situation. In life one has to be principled so as not to be pushed into doing something that they will regret for the rest of their life.

Yes, family, friends and society have their expectations but at the end of the day, it is you who matters most. You may have succeeded in silencing the people by getting married but you were unable to silence your own heart and your conscience.

Upenyu idungamunhu. For instance, look at the way everyone else is okay with your marriage except yourself. The main ingredient for marriage is love, it can never survive without it. You succumbed to unnecessary pressure and I bet with my last dollar that you are not the only one. This is both a primitive and unfair practice that some in our society still hold on to. I plead that it should be stopped forthwith. Time is precious and you can never buy it back.

Think of your husband, he went out of his way and did what he did to marry you because you lied and said yes. You also need to consider how your ex feels, after all this time what's to say he has not moved on?  You took your vows before God and man when you knew your heart was empty — that was malicious. For your information it is not the lifestyle that makes a spouse happy, it is true love.

Indeed haupenge but this could have been avoided by sticking to your heart's desire. This is going to affect the two families grossly. I think before you say anything to your hubby, go through vigorous counselling and prayer. God does not make mistakes, there is a reason why you are where you are today.

I repeat that the Good Book says God hates divorce and there is a reason why this is so and I urge people in similar predicaments not to take getting married likely. To family and friends out there let us learn to respect and wait for God's time otherwise we will cause a lot of problems.

Try and shut out the past and embrace your husband. Marriage is different from the "jump in, jump out" game. Think about this seriously and pray for God's guidance because he is the greatest of all the counsellors. I will follow up on your issue with keenness. Wanirwa nyasha nedenga it shall be well.

Write to maichisamba@fbnet.co.zw or WhatsApp 0771415747.

MAI CHISAMBA, I hope I find you well. I do not know what to do with my wife, she is really out of hand.

We are a young couple, I am 30 and she is 27 and we are blessed with two kids, both girls.

I am tired of her antics and she has driven me into a corner. I really do not know what she wants. If I spend the day with her at home during weekends she will be in a foul mood. If I go out with friends anenge achingonditsvaga nephone asking about my whereabouts.

Last weekend I decided to go and spend my Saturday at the office although we do not work during weekends. I just wanted to be away from her. I did not tell her where I was going so she thought I had gone out with one of my friends. She called him achipenga and said a lot of nonsense, most of it unfounded. My friend is very upset, even his wife did not take that lightly. She used language that I cannot repeat or write in a family newspaper.

She does the same with family members, especially from my side. Her nickname is kamhiripiri. I do not know how it started but she brags about it. When she is upset she says ndinokuvava usatambe nemhiripiri. She is always looking for faults in other people.

To my dismay in January, she was voted as a youth adviser at our church. I wonder what she tells the youths. I have since apologised to my friend and his wife but I feel so embarrassed. Amai I am so tired of this and I no longer have feelings for her. I am prepared to call it quits. We have been married for six years but it feels like an eternity in hell.

She is very hard to please or to convince even when we were dating I could sense some of these characteristics. I feel sorry for my kids, even kubasa kwake she has more enemies than friends. I am a very happy person and I want to enjoy my life. How do I handle such a monster? Ari kutsvaga kurohwa and achazviwana, please assist.

Response

I feel very sad when young people like you consider opting out of their marriages. Six years is a very short time, your marriage is still in its romance stage, where are you losing the plot? The other thing I do not understand from most people who write in is that they expect married life to blossom even after a rocky courtship, why is that?

Courtship is there for you to study each other and make the necessary adjustments before you even tie the knot. Marriage does not necessarily change one's character like what I often say.

Yes, you could mend a few things but zvizhinji zvinosarira. The Good Book says God Almighty hates divorce and there are so many reasons why. You are blessed with two beautiful children, does kamhiripiri think about that? You are very unhappy and you want to opt out but do you ever think of your children? You are all they have and they are very innocent and young.

It seems your wife has a lot of bitterness bottled up in her. Do you ever open up to one another as a couple? Please do not talk about beating her up, it does not help and it is against the law. You can be arrested, that is domestic violence at its worst. Your wife is abusing her phone. She has no right whatsoever to call and insult your friend because he can take legal action against such behaviour.

She owes your friend an apology. The sooner she does this the better. I wonder what people at church see when they vote for a person like your wife to be a youth adviser. This post is very demanding because a lot of young people will look up to her for guidance. I hope she does not show her mhiripiri side there.

I advise you to please go back to the drawing board and engage a professional counsellor who will work with both of you in order to respect and appreciate your marriage. Pray for the post she now holds in church so that the youths can benefit from her. Stop covering up for her, you will end up losing your credibility as well. I hope the counsellor will be able to steady the boat. Please update me on the progress that you make. I wish you all the best.