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Ministers of Confusion

27 Jan 2011 at 00:33hrs | Views
I love politics sometimes, not because it is a cool thing. I love politics because some of these 'blood sucking creatures' are funny, really funny that they can sometimes make or break your day. Some people tell political jokes... in Zimbabwe we HAVE them! You may want to know why we, the Zimbabwean public are so thin to the point of emaciation while the potty bellies of our politicians are ballooning unabated every mini second; it is because they eat for us. It is their birth right to eat for us. Never mind! Today I am going to make my own analysis of some of the politicians we have in Africa.

You obvious knew who I was going to start with. Yes you were spot on! Jonathan Moyo is the nutty professor who is well known in the political circles for all the wrong reasons. Yes, he is that nigga who infamously crafted and defended the most draconian laws ever seen in Rhodesia, let alone Zimbabwe.

  "I can say without equivocation that this Bill, in its original form, was the most calculated and determined assault on our liberties guaranteed by the Constitution, in the 20 years I served as Cabinet minister," commented Edson Zobgo.

I am thoroughly convinced that the nutty professor got into politics because he wanted to convert the theory knowledge he gathered as a lecturer of Politics, at the University of Zimbabwe, into practice. He is not a politician. He is an opportunist who could perform political wonders if a Ministry of Confusion did exist.

I am well aware that some may feel the criticism of Nutty professor is usually unjustified since he was democratically elected by the Tsholotsho electorate.

Well, that is democracy. Democracy means being allowed to vote for the candidate you dislike least and that is what happened in Tsholotsho with the nutty professor.

Someone once said that the problem with political jokes is they get elected.

Well let me stop being silly with the nutty professor and try focus on his negative positives. My favourite quotation from the Nutty professor is when he said, "I have always had a nagging feeling that for all their propensity for liberal values and civilised norms, these people (South Africans) are dirty, in fact they are filthy and recklessly uncouth. Now the evidence is there for any decent person to see".

He was referring to the South Africans for criticising his shopping spree in South Africa, when people in Zimbabwe were starving. Doh! Mark Twain once said, "It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt." MY uncle used to refer to the nutty professor as a good example of 'right brains in a wrong person', and I knew why.

Anyway, enough of that nutty professor. I am now running out of suitable superlatives to describe his role in politics.

Let me take this opportunity to introduce someone who many of you would meet in a pub and conclude that he was Cooter Brown the proverbial drunkard who decided to get drunk and stay drunk for the duration of the war so that he would be seen as useless for military purposes and would not be drafted.
Comrade Tobaiwa Mudede is the main man responsible for all the complex statistics involved in dealing with the voter's role.

He is a clever and intelligent man, i.e. if the meanings of these words are negated. Sure! I can support my point with concrete evidence.

Mudede was the project patron for the mystic nyanga Rotina Mavhunga who claimed that she could extract refined diesel from a rock.

In the dead of the night on a day in 2007, Mavhunga the Diesel Nyanga ordered three government ministers, Didymus Mutasa, aka Diesel from a Rock,  Kembo Mohadi and Sydney Sekeramayi, to mobilise a 50-vehicle convoy which drove for 230km to Makuti and Kariba on a trip that meant to solve Zimbabwe's fuel woes that, (according to those awaiting burial at the Heroes Acre), emanated from the evil targeted sanctions that left our politicians with no choice, other than, to devour whatever scraps of the West donated food on our behalf.

On that day, helicopters were also deployed together with other "immense state resources" after the Grade 3 graduate Mavhunga unsurprisingly managed to convince our intelligent representatives in government that she could extract diesel from rocks in the Maningwa Hills near Chinhoyi.

Imagine a troop of ministers gathered in the middle of the night clapping and ululating. 'To hell with Britain and America. We got pure refined diesel from Mhondoro and vadzimu, and we are not giving it to the colonisers because Zimbabwe will never be a colony again.' They say never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Eventually her story was exposed as a hoax, but not before the regime gave her Z$5 billion, a car and a farm, in return to exclusive rights to the diesel fuel from Maningwa Hills. This saga prompted me to check if ever there was a bible verse which, maybe, said, 'Behold ye thee! The Lord shall smite ye with a thunderous and murderous showers of so clueless leaders that shall brainlessly believe a Nyanga claiming to conjure refined diesel out of a rock by striking it with a knobkerry'. The verse was non-existence!

Maybe this is better than being led by a person like Bongo, the departed life president of Gabon. El Hadj Omar Bongo Ondimba, born as Albert-Bernard Bongo, was a Gabonese politician who was President of Gabon for 42 years from 1967 until his death in office in 2009.

Rumour has it that Bongo's favourite breakfast was tea with men's testicles, which he found very scrumptious.

But it is no rumour mongering that during Bongo's long reign,  despite an oil-led GDP per capita growth to the level of Portugal's, Gabon built only 5 km of freeway a year and still had one of the world's highest infant mortality rates by the time of his death in 2009. We are better off!

As a teacher, I once asked my students to try and define Zanu Pf. They all laughed. 'It can't sir,' one said.   

This motivated me to research about this mysterious political party. My conclusion was that Zanu was just like my 5 year old boy who constantly breaks the toys he could not do without. They are a party who believe that if two wrongs don't make a right, try three wrongs.

Next week we shall venture into another analysis without paralysis; and this time the bow and arrow shall aim at other mentally deranged African politicians.

Gumbotjarita holds a BA (Hons) in Petty Politics. He hails from the Umnyamubambile area of Mnqamulezweni in Southern Zimbabwe. He is currently stuck in Afghanistan on national duty.

Source - Byo24NEWS
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