Zimbabwe is happy, Cdes

Dear Cabinet and Politburo members

COMRADES, following the success of the youth interface rallies that we are now winding up, I suggest we move to mothers' interface rallies, then to fathers' interface rallies and then war veterans' interface rallies.

Ten of each set of rallies in each province would mean that by the time we finish these rallies, our campaign for the coming elections would be complete before the opposition knows what is happening. When this idea of interface rallies came, I did not think it was going to work, but I have to admit that this has proved to be a very innovative way of ensuring that the party spends a bare minimum on its campaign as a staggering portion of the bill is picked up by the taxpayer.

We have really covered a lot of ground without spending any cent from our own coffers. Besides, the rallies make business sense for some of us.

These rallies have also made it easy for us to confuse our detractors. I like it when I say something about some of you Cdes at these rallies and the private and international media take it up and run with it. It is working in sending wrong signals to our enemies… they cannot tell what is really happening in the party or which move we will be taking next… politics has never been this sweet.

I am also impressed that our strategy to infiltrate the opposition is now bearing fruit. This week, some western backers of the regime-change agenda were complaining that one of their foot soldiers diverted large sums of money to personal use. In so doing, they inadvertently confirmed that they have been pouring money into nefarious projects to destabilise this country. If they were not foolish, they would have long noticed that this is what has been going on for a very long time now … our people have turned this into an art … going into Belgravia to tell those western embassies exactly what they want to hear, getting a lot of money in exchange for nothing. Most of the cars that we see on our roads and the mansions in the northern suburbs were built this way over the past decade and a half. This has been another effective way of empowering our people … giving them an opportunity to salvage something from the vast wealth that was plundered by these imperialists.

This is what I said last week that these devils were trying to play havoc with our economy in an attempt to cause an uprising. Since I pointed this out, those unwarranted price increases have stopped and things have returned to normal. That is why it is always good to know your enemy very well, like I now do.

We should never allow these staged crises to detract us from our target of winning the coming elections by the highest margin ever. Why not, when we have all the people on our side? When the whole country is this happy? Nyika yese iri kufara, maCdes.

Kindest Regards
Yours Sincerely
ME


ALL long, Dr CZ was one of those people who were rubbing their bellies in gleeful anticipation of an obviously nasty lawfare that has been ensuing between Jonathan Moyo and his supposed boss, Emerson Mnangagwa, following a dossier that the former shared in the Politburo about the latter's alleged ruthlessness…including causing Godfrey Majonga's permanent disability in a fight over a woman some three decades ago.

Mnangagwa demanded a retraction of the allegations and an unreserved apology but Moyo responded by showing the Midlands godfather the middle finger. So Mnangagwa was left with no option but to execute his threat to sue his former ally… he has since filed a giddying $3 million defamation suit against Moyo.

While we await the juicy details to emerge as the case plays out in the courts of law, someone brought to Dr CZ's important attention the fact that when the case finally comes before the court, there might be need for lawyers from both side to summon Majonga to testify as to how he ended up in a wheelchair.

That is what makes this whole game tricky… depending on what he might be coming to say… either of the sides might try to make sure that he does not avail himself.

If Majonga is going to confirm what Moyo claims, that could jeopardise Team Lacoste's case. If he is to disown the claims, that would put the G40's defence into tatters. And how the sides might try to do it leaves us all to our fertile imagination….

Well, let us all watch and see while praying that it will end well!

Mickey Mouse
For the past few weeks, the State-controlled media has been bombarding us with "news" that the owners of the country have unleashed poultry projects across the country. Dr CZ was shocked when he discovered that the figures of the broiler chicks that are being talked about are in the region of 3 000 day-old chicks for all households in a whole province. As much as we are being made to believe that this is a pass-on initiative, so far the statistics are not giving any hope even to the most sclerotic of pessimists.

These figures will mean that a rural province with 100 000 households of 10 people each will end up having to join a long and winding queue so that at least 33 of such big households could benefit from just one chick! Talk of taking empowerment to the people!

Zimbos do not need to be reminded that we are talking of the same benefactors who bought diamond finger rings for nearly $1,5 million and only recently splashed nearly half a million American dollars on a top of the range Rolls-Royce.

Last year, Phelekezela Mphoko was doing similar rounds in Bulawayo where he was donating broiler chicks to people without fowl runs and without any feed … and the results were what was naturally expected in such cases.

Worrying
We are told that a certain firm in Matabeleland will shortly be opening an abattoir to slaughter donkeys and process the products for export to China.

While the country is really desperate for foreign exchange, that has not stopped Zimbos from being suspicious … their bad experience with the Chinese has taught them to take anything remotely to do with these so-called all-weather friends with a large pinch — if not a whole shaker — of salt.

The Zimbos are saying to themselves, if Botswana, a country with a bigger donkey population, had its only donkey abattoir closed due to viability issues, why would a Zimbabwean firm be expected to flourish?

There are already fears that this could be a cover to export game products from poaching activities in this country… right now, the country has no exports of any animal products so any meaty consignment leaving the country would raise a stink. So donkey meat, skins and everything else would provide a good cover for products from elephants, rhinos, pangolins, pythons and everything that is currently stuck in some safe houses around the country.

Back to 1980
Following an unfortunate incident in which a Harare man was allegedly murdered by some touts who ply their illegal trade near Harare's Fourth Street bus terminus, everyone with an appropriate throat joined the queue to make a lot of noise about the need for the law to deal ruthlessly with these touts.

We have heard similar noises before… like when a schoolgirl was run over by a kombi near Queen Elizabeth School… the illegal rank was closed for a few days and as we speak, it is flourishing again. The same is expected with this illegal rank for buses to Mutare.

One of those who made the most noise was none other than Miriam Chikukwa, the Minister of State (Funerals) for Harare, who demanded that everything should revert to what it used to be in 1980… including that all buses should operate from Mbare Musika. We really wonder what point the sister, whose job does not exist anywhere in the country's Constitution, was trying to drive home.

Everything might as well go back to what it used to be in 1980… starting with her going back to where she was then, together with the green mealie roasters in First Street and everyone and everything! It would be good. Very good!

Meanwhile, Dr CZ will swear that securing a murder conviction against those touts will be impossible because from what we understand, they did not physically attack him, but just harassed him until his stress levels shot through the roof. Even the most borderline of lawyers can put up a successful defence in a porous case like this one.

Anyway, in the unlikely event that the courts set precedent by stretching the definition of murder that far, then some people in the hereabouts will be in trouble… for they would be charged with the mass murder of the tens of thousands of people who have been stressed to death by the self-styled owners of the country. By the way, what did they say killed Shuvai Mahofa?