Opinion / Columnist
This and that with Maluphosa: Careful:- uzodla!
22 Feb 2011 at 05:33hrs | Views
A friend of mine from Filabusi says the article on ukudlisa scared the hell out of him. He is both worried and scared; worried that he sees himself as a modern man who washes dishes, bathes his two babies (twins), changes their nappies (pampers), straps one of the twins on his back at times, cooks on certain days, does the laundry regularly (including his wife's lingerie), and even does his wife's hair on certain occasions. He claims he has heard people laugh loudly as he passes by. Now he thinks he knows the reason why. Every one who sees him doing the above thinks sewatshaywa nge pant? But like all these guys who have been taken prisoner by their wives, he blames it on love. The guy is virtually subservient to his wife, and he knows it. That is why he is scared. He thinks may be he has been given an over dose of those concoctions, especially from the puppy. At home he is always half awake. His wife's uncles, most of them suspect of course, have suddenly mushroomed from every point of the compass; and, has he ever complained? Not a chance. He has his doubts, though. He claims his wife loves him so much that she can't feed him all that filth. Well, I guess, they give us all that filth because they love us.
But then he argues that white people do all that he does without anyone frowning at them. I remind him the great Shakespeare wrote about witches in "Twelfth Night". And terms like 'witch-craft', 'wizard', 'love potion', and 'be-witch' do not originate in Africa. So, you never know with these white scientists. Nowadays there are white European sangomas, with amadlozi and all.
Then the white sangomas must be very busy, argues Godlwayo; for how would you explain the fact that all white men behave alike towards their wives, babies, pests and house-hold chores? All of them batshaywa ngama g-string?
Then Godlwayo raises an important point; all medicine expires, and when it does, love goes with it. That is why there are so many divorces amongst the white people. Their love-potions take them to Utopia, and when they wake up, they discover it was not worth it.
Siza, a woman in our braai club, shared with us some indications for ukudlisa indoda? Well, the reasons vary, she says, and at times there is a combination of two or more. Her neighbour, Skwamla, was a bully who terrorized his children and wife into a corner only muthi could emancipate them. She says the terrorised wife consulted with other women whose men she thought had already been whipped into silent capitulation. Suddenly, her wife who was almost always indoors, loved to be emgwaqweni with other women, discussing God-knows-what. And just as suddenly Lion Skwamla metamorphosed into a humble purring little kitten. The bullying demon in him was gone. All these chores he did and more. Remember 'hell hath no wrath etc etc.' And in no time his wife was a consultant, giving informal street lectures on 'How to harness a monster with wood-work'.
Another reason Siza proffers, which I guess could be the most important, is ukujola. A notice which is on the wall in my house reads "We can share all but my husband". Well, its there for all who enter to see; and the woman means it.
Sussman across the river tried to marry a second wife. An Armageddon ensued with the first wife. The first wife was even told to go back to her parents to learn manners. She went there and came back armed to the teeth. Sussman lost interest in the new woman overnight. Later he and his original wife were referred to as lightning and thunder, ibhanti lebhulugwe, dog and tick; they were inseparable. Not only did the nyatsi take a back seat; she disappeared from the village and love triangle.
There are guys who have their priorities the wrong way up or down, Siza says. They care for their friends, relatives and sport more than they love their wives. They go out with friends as early as eight in the morning only to come back at six the following morning. They are like 'visiting fathers/husbands' at their homes. And that's an application for disaster. To solve them, the woman will 'ask' her medicine to tether the hubby to her waist with some g-string strap. And when his friends come to fetch him as usual, he will tell the kids, 'Tell them I'm not there'. Sebe mtshaye ngo khumbul'ekhaya!
Many a time there is a serious tug of war, Siza continues. A nyatsi wants to use the 'magnetic force' of magic to haul you to herself. Realizing that you are drifting away from her, the wife also invokes the power of magic to drag you back where you 'belong'. Many men have practically found themselves in the middle of two or more magical skirmishes, resulting in them losing it completely.
How, then, are we made to 'eat'? Sangomas will instruct the woman to mix the concoction with your favourite meal. This way the woman will never miss you in every sense of the word. Nene tells me his wife wiped his face with stinking hands and that was that. Khuman says his usually unromantic wife brushed his lower lip with her thumb. He realized it was frog-sticky when he later licked his lip. And the lip tasted like some stale boiled sausage. From there on, he was lights off. For the following week, the wife offered to apply some gritty lotion on his abdomen with the pretext it was cracked. A friend of mine, who is a feared sangoma, tells me some muthi must be smeared all over daddy's chair. When he exhaustedly slumps onto the chair, he feels some insignificant cramping static. Naturally he will ask for a massage, and the woman will gladly oblige. She snatches the chance to introduce some new home made cramp remedy. That's when she applies ingoba'makhosi. Some medicine, he explains, is smeared by the woman over her own abdomen. When the two abdomens collide skin to skin, the medicine simply 'osmosises' into the body of the trusting hubby. The 'love' then grows exponentially.
An old woman, who seems to have one prescription for 'love', says she instructs her clients to boil their pants, which they would have worn all the time they were on periods. The resultant broth is added in small quantities to the hubby's drinking and bath water everyday for a week. However, she also sprinkles some at the bed-room entrance when the man is away. The woman is instructed to say the man's name several times as the does the procedure. The moment he enters the bedroom, he will feel like he belongs there eternally. Each time he goes out, he will come back running as if he has forgotten something, over and over again, until he is late for work.
Have you seen those old women who sit in women's toilets at Renkini? One of them held my wife's hand once –about seven years ago.
'Your hands are cold; your husband is gonna leave you. But I can help you.' She exclaimed. My wife played on;
'Alright, please help. He told me the same thing just last week'. After having gained the woman's trust and 'friendship', my wife asked; 'By the way, where is your husband?'
'He left me for another woman two weeks ago. Men are dogs!' she spat. My wife paid for her prescription, turned a corner and it into the bin.
Makhenyembula says his wife was the stubborn type; she never cooked for him nor cleaned the house. One day she becomes all lovey-dovey for nor apparent reason. She cooks a special meal and is so obedient. A few days later, he feels the burning sensation of love all over him. His character changes drastically. A prophet tells him he ate unanane in his food. So, men if the wife who has been treating you like some common lackey suddenly calls you all those sweet names and even 'ubaba wasendlini', be careful.
Finally, it is highly impossible to guess, where, when and how one will be ambushed. Marabha says he becomes suspicious when his wife stands too close to the stove when she cooks, or is overly eager to please. He hasn't eaten anything at his home since he read the last article, claiming that his wife is the dangerous kind with the potential and ability to dlisa him. I tell him he is only improving his chances to be whipped if he abstains from eating. Soon the wife will see it fit to unleash the power of herbs. Godlwayo wants to know if there is no way men can take the game to the ladies; i.e. take the women and beat them in their game. Marabha tells him only those who are izishimane can think of such a thing. Amasoka never do this. Well, I think there is fertile ground for investigation. I will visit my sangoma and bring some news – good or bad. But, after all, tit-for-tat is a fair game.
Source - Byo24News
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