Why it's hard for men to forgive cheating wives

We have all come across videos and stories of women who, after being caught cheating by their husbands and partners; are brought before family courts where they are ridiculed and harassed; while some are  beaten and battered or immediately chased away from the marital home.

Some are actually murdered. It is also common to see the men who dare to sleep with someone's wife or partner being beaten black and blue by the enraged husband; usually with his mates or relatives helping him. Videos of men who are caught with other men's wives being assaulted have become quite common while videos of women being shamed by their men, relatives and even neighbours; after being caught out with lovers are also common.

From all this; it has become evident that men and society itself have serious issues with accepting or forgiving  a woman for cheating.

Many women have; over the years forgiven and taken their cheating men back with some women being known for fighting the other woman involved with their men while leaving their husbands alone.

With incidences of women being caught cheating becoming more common; probably due to the advent of social media; I spoke to some men to establish why they seem to struggle with forgiving their women for cheating, even if they themselves have cheated on their women before?

Yes; even a man who is known as a philanderer will never accept the thought of his own wife dishing it out to another man. For years some cheating men have tried to justify their cheating saying monogamy is abnormal while some have blamed their wives for becoming too comfortable and not making much effort once married. So this type of man has always gone out to indulge himself while the wife is often heartbroken, neglected and at times abused if she dares to ask.

So why do many men think it is fine for men to cheat but not fine for women to do the same thing; if we look at their actions on discovering infidelity. Even our society; which for  years; has told women to ignore and just move on with life on finding out their husbands are cheating;  seems to have little appetite to forgive and understand when a woman cheats. If a man can get bored with the same woman after a while (as they say out there); surely women are bound to get bored too? If an affair by a man is dismissed as a small indiscretion; why can't women get measured by the same standard too?

Here are the reasons: according to the men.

"Most times when men cheat, it is out of lust but when a woman cheats, emotions are involved which means she would have fallen for the man she is cheating with and fallen out of love with her man. This is a bitter pill to swallow for most men, hence the enraged reactions and the failure to forgive," said Ndimlo.

Ntate weighed in saying: "Men can forgive themselves for their indiscretions but they find it difficult to forgive their women because for a betrayed

woman; an affair is an offence against her dignity while for a betrayed man, it is an offence against his manhood and that is what men cannot take."

Nepiah said cheating by a married woman is the highest form of disrespect to a man. It's difficult for a man to imagine being compared to another man during intimacy and that is why men lose it.

Dairayi said ‘musha mukadzi' hence if someone takes the risk to sleep with someone's wife, they should be ready to deal with the consequences.

"That's why people get hacked by axes after sleeping with other men's wives," he said.

He however said adultery is wrong for both men and women and is serious grounds for divorce, adding that it has nothing to do with equality of the sexes.

Dennis said more or less the same saying the dignity of a home and family lies in the wife so once she is caught cheating; she must go.

Another man said it was all about competition with men killing themselves with thoughts about the lover; wondering if he is better in bed; and that is what most men find difficult to live with.

Edson chose to blame it on lobola saying because men pay lobola for their wives; they cannot accept another person just coming and having their way with her.

Larry said marriage started because men wanted to protect their investment in a woman; which is why we have rings and surname changes today. He said they all were in place so that no other man would approach or give that woman children.

"Marriage only became about love in recent years but initially marriage was about investment, which meant some aspect of property rights were associated with a wife" he said.

Ranga said as far as he is concerned ‘men do not cheat. They just court to marry and enlarge the clan.

Imagine if men who are married under the law that stipulates monogamy also go around telling themselves such? While polygamy is allowed in this country; it is a few men who openly practice it with many others having secret extra marital relations, which expose them and their families and multiple partners to HIV and other sexually transmitted infections. Why not be open from the onset if one wants to be polygamist?

Dany said it was all about the money. Because in the majority of instances, men are breadwinners, some women end up staying with them for survival which a man does not have to do.

"A woman stays because she cannot survive alone with the children out there while a man does not have to worry about that."

He also said while women may worry about finding a new partner in their later years, men do not have such issues, hence they can cut ties with a cheating woman and find a young lover faster and easier than an older woman with children.

Seem life favours men; does it not?

Chirandu said while men can forgive a cheating spouse; friends and relatives should never know as they are usually the ones who push men into reacting harshly as it becomes an ego thing. His sentiments were echoed by Sekuru Gudo who said men have been forgiving their women for years as long as relatives are not in the know.

"The funny thing is not many men can keep the secret. The minute they catch their wives red handed; they shout to the whole world, record vides and call relatives to come. Six months later; they are back together with the same woman," he said.

Maynard also said men forgive their cheating women all the time. Several others agreed with this; but they said this could only work if no one snitched. Seems what men cannot stand is having people knowing that they have been cheated on.

Anyway whichever way you look at it; cheating is bad, no matter who does it. It comes with a cocktail of repercussions that affects children and families negatively. Feel like contributing?

Share your thoughts and comments on me on the following so we finalise on this topic in the coming week:

    btonhodzayi@gmail.com
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