Opinion / Columnist
Vote-buying for beginners: A Zvigananda guide to electoral philanthropy
5 hrs ago | Views
Meet Taurai Kandishaya - philosopher of the gutter, hustler by vocation, and a loyal missionary of the Zvigananda gospel: "In Harare, money speaks; morals take a kombi." He recently took to Facebook to reveal what the new gospel of Zimbabwean politics looks like. Brace yourself: this is not an ideology - it's a loot-fueled shopping list of public manipulation dressed as benevolence.
He writes, and I quote:
"Harare province needs a party member in the leadership who commands respect from entrepreneurs, hustlers, executives, and others... In Harare, it's money that speaks, wealth that controls, and influence that rules... Voters are like women - they stay if they're taken care of, just like how women appreciate regular nail care and hairstyles."
Yes, dear reader. According to Kandishaya, voters are just like women - hang around long enough if you sponsor a manicure. This is what political philosophy looks like in the age of Zvigananda: where stolen wealth buys votes, elections are beauty pageants, and public service is a side hustle.
Then enters the criminal Santa himself, Comrade Kuda Tagwirei, the Chief Operating Officer of the Zvigananda Project. In the Epworth North Ward 6 by-election, Tagwirei played the Good Samaritan - with the looted state treasury as his flask of oil.
His "donation package" included:
15 solar-powered boreholes
3000 food hampers (sorry - humpers, according to the spelling-challenged flyer)
Two Arundel Hospital doctor visits for free medication
Two graders to temporarily smoothen roads
100 scholarships for school children
10 jobs for "qualified" youths - read: loyal youths
And suddenly the poverty-stricken electorate of Epworth is expected to swoon. Like Karimanzira of Mufakose lore - our own El Chapo turned Robin Hood - Tagwirei is laundering criminal loot into political sainthood. But instead of stolen meat trucks, we now have boreholes and branded rice bags.
Norman "Cold Storage" Karimanzira, the notorious armed robber, robbed trucks and dumped beef in Mufakose. He paid school fees for orphans, threw wild parties, and bought police silence with chunks of cow. Tagwirei is no different - only his truckloads come from Treasury, not ambushed highways.
And yet, like Karimanzira, he's a cult hero. He robs the state by day and plays saviour by dusk. He funds doctors, pothole graders, and scholarships - all on a credit card maxed out on Zimbabwe's suffering.
To be clear: Zimbabweans are not fools. They are hungry. That's different. They know this is vote buying. They know this is not development - it's dietary deception.
Fifteen boreholes will not change Epworth. They're just hydration bribes. Three thousand food parcels won't last a week. Two graders will be gone faster than a politician's promise. The doctor visits are PR stunts - free medication for illnesses caused by poverty that Tagwirei's economic monopoly helped deepen.
But we are now in the era of scamocracy - where corruption is just business, and political power is a loyalty reward system. In this age, boreholes replace policy. Food hampers replace infrastructure. Ten jobs are a headline - never mind the 2.5 million unemployed youth aged 18–34, according to ZimStats (2024).
We must be very clear: this is not charity. This is not patriotism. This is criminal benevolence. It is the laundering of stolen national wealth into political capital.
In fact, it is worse than just buying votes. It is buying consent. Manufacturing applause. Licensing plunder. Sanitising theft. And ratifying national decay as business-as-usual.
What's worse? Those who speak against it are accused of jealousy. Envy. Treason. And yet what we are witnessing is a mafia model: where the capo gives the community protection - from problems he caused. Where the poor cheer when the looter throws crumbs. Where slogans are dictated by the Don.
Mnangagwa himself once chanted "Pasi neZvigananda!" (Down with the Elite Looters) and the ZANU-PF delegates gave him a standing ovation. Only in a captured nation does it take presidential permission to condemn theft. That's how deeply this rot runs.
Do you remember Sydney Sekeramayi? He once chanted "Pasi nembavha!" and was accused of being an enemy of the President. He was muzzled and benched. You see, in the Patronage Republic, common sense is deviance until it is licensed.
Now, Wicknell Chivayo posts about being a Zvigananda member in good standing - fresh from smuggling contraband into Zanzibar under diplomatic cover. He boasts of previous adventures in Nairobi, Dubai, the US - all on the back of stolen legitimacy. And what does ZANU-PF say? Nothing. Not until Mnangagwa decides which thief to scold and which to reward.
The same party that raised the likes of Eddison Zvobgo, Herbert Ushewokunze, Edgar Tekere, Margaret Dongo, and Joseph Culverwell - is now led by compliant, fattened sycophants like Marbel Chinomona. These are not revolutionaries. These are co-conspirators in national betrayal.
How is it viral news that a President chants "Down with thieves"? It's viral because the thief-in-chief is pretending to expel himself. It's like Mr. Lucifer preaching about righteousness while adjusting his horns. Mugabe did it too - only with better grammar.
Zimbabweans deserve better. Not bribes. Not trinkets. Not petty handouts paraded as salvation.
We deserve institutions that work, jobs that pay, policies that empower, hospitals that heal, schools that teach - and leaders who serve.
This is not politics. This is transactional banditry.
We are being scammed, serenaded, and subdued with our own stolen dignity. But we can't keep dancing to the sound of our own chains.
Zimbabwe, it is homeland or death.
Let us choose wisely.
He writes, and I quote:
"Harare province needs a party member in the leadership who commands respect from entrepreneurs, hustlers, executives, and others... In Harare, it's money that speaks, wealth that controls, and influence that rules... Voters are like women - they stay if they're taken care of, just like how women appreciate regular nail care and hairstyles."
Yes, dear reader. According to Kandishaya, voters are just like women - hang around long enough if you sponsor a manicure. This is what political philosophy looks like in the age of Zvigananda: where stolen wealth buys votes, elections are beauty pageants, and public service is a side hustle.
Then enters the criminal Santa himself, Comrade Kuda Tagwirei, the Chief Operating Officer of the Zvigananda Project. In the Epworth North Ward 6 by-election, Tagwirei played the Good Samaritan - with the looted state treasury as his flask of oil.
His "donation package" included:
15 solar-powered boreholes
3000 food hampers (sorry - humpers, according to the spelling-challenged flyer)
Two Arundel Hospital doctor visits for free medication
Two graders to temporarily smoothen roads
100 scholarships for school children
10 jobs for "qualified" youths - read: loyal youths
And suddenly the poverty-stricken electorate of Epworth is expected to swoon. Like Karimanzira of Mufakose lore - our own El Chapo turned Robin Hood - Tagwirei is laundering criminal loot into political sainthood. But instead of stolen meat trucks, we now have boreholes and branded rice bags.
Norman "Cold Storage" Karimanzira, the notorious armed robber, robbed trucks and dumped beef in Mufakose. He paid school fees for orphans, threw wild parties, and bought police silence with chunks of cow. Tagwirei is no different - only his truckloads come from Treasury, not ambushed highways.
And yet, like Karimanzira, he's a cult hero. He robs the state by day and plays saviour by dusk. He funds doctors, pothole graders, and scholarships - all on a credit card maxed out on Zimbabwe's suffering.
To be clear: Zimbabweans are not fools. They are hungry. That's different. They know this is vote buying. They know this is not development - it's dietary deception.
But we are now in the era of scamocracy - where corruption is just business, and political power is a loyalty reward system. In this age, boreholes replace policy. Food hampers replace infrastructure. Ten jobs are a headline - never mind the 2.5 million unemployed youth aged 18–34, according to ZimStats (2024).
We must be very clear: this is not charity. This is not patriotism. This is criminal benevolence. It is the laundering of stolen national wealth into political capital.
In fact, it is worse than just buying votes. It is buying consent. Manufacturing applause. Licensing plunder. Sanitising theft. And ratifying national decay as business-as-usual.
What's worse? Those who speak against it are accused of jealousy. Envy. Treason. And yet what we are witnessing is a mafia model: where the capo gives the community protection - from problems he caused. Where the poor cheer when the looter throws crumbs. Where slogans are dictated by the Don.
Mnangagwa himself once chanted "Pasi neZvigananda!" (Down with the Elite Looters) and the ZANU-PF delegates gave him a standing ovation. Only in a captured nation does it take presidential permission to condemn theft. That's how deeply this rot runs.
Do you remember Sydney Sekeramayi? He once chanted "Pasi nembavha!" and was accused of being an enemy of the President. He was muzzled and benched. You see, in the Patronage Republic, common sense is deviance until it is licensed.
Now, Wicknell Chivayo posts about being a Zvigananda member in good standing - fresh from smuggling contraband into Zanzibar under diplomatic cover. He boasts of previous adventures in Nairobi, Dubai, the US - all on the back of stolen legitimacy. And what does ZANU-PF say? Nothing. Not until Mnangagwa decides which thief to scold and which to reward.
The same party that raised the likes of Eddison Zvobgo, Herbert Ushewokunze, Edgar Tekere, Margaret Dongo, and Joseph Culverwell - is now led by compliant, fattened sycophants like Marbel Chinomona. These are not revolutionaries. These are co-conspirators in national betrayal.
How is it viral news that a President chants "Down with thieves"? It's viral because the thief-in-chief is pretending to expel himself. It's like Mr. Lucifer preaching about righteousness while adjusting his horns. Mugabe did it too - only with better grammar.
Zimbabweans deserve better. Not bribes. Not trinkets. Not petty handouts paraded as salvation.
We deserve institutions that work, jobs that pay, policies that empower, hospitals that heal, schools that teach - and leaders who serve.
This is not politics. This is transactional banditry.
We are being scammed, serenaded, and subdued with our own stolen dignity. But we can't keep dancing to the sound of our own chains.
Zimbabwe, it is homeland or death.
Let us choose wisely.
Source - online
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