This and that with Mal'phosa - Inter-tribal Marriages

As we queued patiently and let abantu bemzini vote ahead because they 'had come from afar', izakhamizi in front of us began an interesting argument. 'Ngokungo yere-yere! Ishit zabantu lezi.' 'Ye, abafana bes'gundwaneni.' Then we were not sure what this really meant until later in the conversation when one of the men told about how his son fought his yere-yere wife after she had cooked amagundwane for supper. Thinking that they were birds, he was about to eat when he asked himself what type of birds had tails but no wings! 'Remember what they used to do emabhesini?' They discussed all their experiences without even looking over their shoulders. 'Madoda, my only son was married to one yere-yere and I just disowned him, thinking of all the abuse we endured emabhesini. It was more than enough seeing opasi for those ten hours entabeni; to suffer one for a life-time!' he said the malokazana was lazy, aggressive, dirty, disrespectful ugly! One day she darted into the kitchen naked, thinking she had seen a mkhobo, when it was a tree-stump she saw every day. Wayengafuni ukugeza! 'Not only had she the nerve to tell me I was a liar but she also taught abazukulu to say the same nhema-zako to all of us."Yeah, ndoda, you are very right. I used to work with a few yere-yeres ema Nda. If given the simplest task to perform, they would look left and right repeatedly and rapidly as if intending to cross a busy street in the city centre.' Even umalokazana wakhe was like that; she would wake up at mid-day and expect to find breakfast ready for her, and go back to bed √¢‚Ǩ‚Äú emakhaya. She would also find an excuse for not working in the fields √¢‚Ǩ‚Äú like her chronic head-ache which mysteriously nagged each time there was work to be done. One time she deliberately cut her big toe with a hoe, to avoid cultivating. Another time she slashed her mother-in-law's forehead and pretended that the mother-in-law had been too close to danger herself. She would also apply some Vicks to her eyes so the eyes cried all day. It was difficult also to complain because of the language barrier. Ema Nda, the men always cried about their women having extra-marital fixtures back home. But, he continues, there are so many inbuilt fears and differences that in most cases, people who go into inter tribal marriages especially the women are the ones who come out the worse for it. His neighbour's daughter had also committed romantic suicide by marrying a shona  who was a herd-boy in the village. He took her home √¢‚Ǩ‚Äú wherever his home was, and after four long years of abuse, she came home with five toddlers √¢‚Ǩ‚Äú her children - after her in-laws had instructed him to 'Roora wevadzimu!'   
                                                                                                         
His comrade argues that marriages outside one's village bring unity and understanding between people from different backgrounds. He says such marriages broaden the views of the people in the marriages about life, issues and makes them better at coping with varieties. They help in nation building because they build tolerance of other people's cultures. Further, inter-tribal marriages help to enlarge ones frontiers and entire concept and opinion about life, because they believe that you get to appreciate other people more. 'Ahhh wena lawe you speak like an old mfundisi preaching to Sunday-school kids. We are speaking from experience. Inter-tribal marriages, especially between us and shonas have daunting challenges. Trust and bonding are difficult to achieve and the ease of separation is high, as such marriages are like two worlds colliding!' Another man whose interest has just been tweaked, says 'It's all rubbish – this inter-tribal marriage thing. It is expensive as it entails patronizing two cultures whenever there are challenges – death in any of the families and its attendant burial, marriages in the families, other cultural ceremonies and parties must be compromised. Children born into such homes may end up not having clear cultural identities about where they belong.' Like this man they worked with in the sixties; his shona wife died from natural causes but the in-laws still wanted thirty head of cattle before the burial of their daughter. 'Lake lakuzwa ngaphi lokhu mahlabezulu? After that they proceeded to the sweep the man's home clean, capturing even the chickens and dogs! The man became a destitute over-night. Esintwini ayikho into enje!' The first one agrees with one of the points raised. He says lack of identity among off-springs of such marriages will result in lot of our cultures dying out in future, especially as English language will become the language of both choice and necessity in the home.

The second man says his friend had initially complained about him and his wife trying to adjust and accommodate each others' differences because they both had different backgrounds in terms of orientation while growing up in different cultural settings. And issues such as which language should the children also learn and master besides English became a serious bone of contention that threatened to tear the fabrics of the relationship apart; the husband wanted the children to be identified with his side but the fact that he was not always at home and the woman was close to the kids made it difficult for this to happen. The marriage finally became an issue about whose culture was better, thereby creating more problems for the relationship.

The first man says however, the idea of not marrying outside the tribe was started by abeNguni when they tracked north. He says they aimed at keeping the tribe pure. But later when they realised that women were in short supply, they said umfazi kalahole, in other words, amahole ngamadoda only, and also because their women started jumping these set boundaries. They forgot that no tribe is pure in the true sense. They even said induku enhl - - -! One of the men admires shonas for emancipating their girl-child. 'They send them to school and let them enjoy the same privileges that boys enjoy. Abethu bangafika ku grade seven, done!'        
The second man says, 'Let's face it: no matter how alike two people seem to be, there must be friction in relating to each other from time to time. You would still have marital problems if you were married to your clone!! However, it has been said (and it is quite true) that the chances of such challenges or marital problems can be reduced by deliberately cutting out points of difference which are avoidable.'
Looking at it now, the 'marry-from-the-same- tribe' syndrome is so bad amongst some tribes that parents have disowned their children for insisting on marrying their "true love" from other tribes. The truth is: there are many levels of compatibility for the purpose of marriage and tribe is just one of them. Therefore, it is the individuals that would decide whether tribe is such a fundamental factor in choosing a spouse. When it comes to choice of relationships, there is a thin line between caution and tribalism.

If one looks deep into this issue, you will see that those who make personal vows not to have close relations with persons of a different tribe than theirs do so not because of the differences in culture (language, beliefs, religion, etc) which may cause friction, but because of their mindsets about tribes other than theirs. Let's be real: most Ndebeles have a lot of prejudice against the shona, and vice-versa. These are general mindsets that people develop over the years, or are taught consciously or otherwise, during socialization. People say that humans are tribalistic by nature, but of course, there are exceptions to the general rule. There are people who have risen above tribal idiosyncrasies and other unnecessary avenues of conflict in order to live harmoniously with those around them. In spite of all these, the pertinent question is: who does an inter-tribal marriage relationship affect more, the man or the woman? It is the woman who has to adjust to fit into the man's culture and traditions and has the mandate to train her children accordingly. It's a big task, but it need not be burdensome. Women must understand that an agreement to marry a man from a different tribe amounts to an agreement to give up (or at least render secondary) her cultural roots and all its off-shoots – language, food, dressing, etc. Do you remember the one family that broke because of soccer? Indoda supported Dynamos and the wife Wankie Footbal Club. One day Wankie beats Dynamos and the wife is celebrating. The men tells her to go to her Wankie boyfriends, and never come back!

Also, the woman must take all necessary steps to imbibe the man's culture and tradition, speak his language and cook his tribe's food. But if this is all that is required of a woman in such a marriage arrangement, it would not be a big deal. In other words, the need to acclimatize in terms of culture, tradition, language, food, etc is not the main challenge a woman married to a man from another tribe would have. There are many other issues which, if not handled properly, can lead to a failed marriage. The truth is that the problems women face in inter-tribal marriages are hardly caused by their husbands; the problems come from third parties like the husbands' family members and friends, the women's friends and, sometimes, neighbours.

For instance, if a man's mother had a 'better homegrown candidate' for her son to marry and he marries this 'outsider' instead, no matter what the chosen wife does to 'blend' into the family's culture and traditions, she may have a hard time pleasing her mother-in-law. In such an instance, the man's mum may attribute the wife's flaws to her tribe. Woes betide a woman who cannot understand or speak her husband's language!!! She must be ready to ignore a lot of conversations in that language if she must remain sane. Suspicion and paranoia can drive any human being crazy! So, it is either you learn the language fast or you just deafen your ears to such 'suspicious' conversations.
                                           
I must admit that not all inter-tribal marriages face such problems/challenges. In fact, from what I hear, the stereotype which a lot of us have of such marriages is quite unfounded. I remember listening to a popular call-in radio show recently when the challenges of inter-tribal marriages were being discussed. To the shock of the host and lots of listeners, almost all the callers who were in such marriages testified that they were enjoying their marriages.

They said that most of the presumptions people have about such marriages are false and baseless. At a point, some people started calling-in and sending text messages to allege the callers of telling lies. The 'Yes" vote for these marriages, they said, were just a cover-up; bayazincengela nje. That experience gave me a new mindset about inter-tribal marriages. Those involved are the ones with the answers – the rest of us can only speculate from a distance, and we should also keep that same distance! Like these wise-men who came from afar, asambeni siyevota. Ngiyabonga mina!