This n that with Mal'phosa - A beginner's definition of political terms

A teacher friend of mine sent me this test outcome which was written by one of his Form Three pupils. Like Mtasa asked one day at a rally in Mahole, Filabusi; 'Botitsha, abantwana libafundisani?'

Riot police - equivalent to oma beret - these are angry looking men in bluish over-alls, who sit on one buttock each in weird-looking open trucks, ready to spring out and pounce on anyone they suspect to be holding a meeting to topple the status quo. Usually they carry logs and pestles with which they pound the defenseless victim, at times fatally. They have hard glass hats to protect their heads, to show that they are just as brittle as anyone else.

Youths - hopeless, gullible teenagers, some of whom are aged 45, conscripted every time there is an election to be taught how to sell paraffin from dry pumps and pipes. They engage in extracurricular activities such as sex, and karate lessons for self-defense against an increasingly restive populace. They shepherd reluctant citizens to political meetings and rallies, at times by use of minimum force, resulting in citizens losing limbs or life, depending on the mood of the youths. Whenever there is a rally, they ensure everyone attends, regardless of their political affiliation.

Rally - a large scale political meeting held in an open space by candidates who will shortly be confirmed as members of parliament, regardless of the election results. The minister of information will estimate crowds here at between 20and 50 thousands. Usually, three quarters of the population gathered here would rather be somewhere else, given a choice.

Star rally - equivalent to the 'Siyanqoba Rally'. Many devoted, serious-looking men and women squabble over licking the President's boots, before he comes out to talk about how the struggle began 60 years ago and how it was won thirty years on. He makes it look like he is the only one who fought and conquered the 'enemy', and therefore the only one who has a right to the life-presidency of the country. Crowds are always estimated at between 50 and 90 thousand, by the minister of information himself.

Member of Parliament - those obese, arrogant, unapproachable demi-gods who demand your vote or else! After declaring themselves winners of the elections, they go hibernate in the capital city or at their acquired farm, only wake up when it's time to demand your vote again.

Constituency - an area of about 12 thousand people, but can produce twice or even thrice as many votes, depending on what the ruling party needs to win the constituency.  Many who are suspected to support the opposition are either killed or hounded out of the constituency by either the youth or the sobhuku, to reduce the opposition vote.

Election - an arduous, time wasting and at times limb or life costing exercise whereby the constituents bless pre-ordained vote by adopting the party that demanded the votes. Long queues characterize the exercise, and many questions characterize the outcome of the election. Queues are for people to express their wishful thinking and nothing more.

Voters' role - a scroll in which your name is registered at birth, and must stay there even long after you have checked out of this world. It is different from the actual roll where those who intend to vote must be registered. And many countries in Africa don't have the later.

Polling station - a school or community hall where one can also join many other dreamers to register their dream. It is manned by clueless men and women called election agents and monitors. These will look aside when anyone aligned to the ruling party engages in some form of electoral mischief but will act quickly and decisively if it is the member of the opposition.

Ballot paper - a piece of paper with faces and names of party. The voter is allowed to admire the faces and record their wish list on this paper. It actually helps the government to test its popularity among the population. The register general, the main genie, will thwart your dreams by counting the vote until the ruling party - an exercise which can even take up to three months.

Election result - this is the outcome of the voter's wish list. The ruling party takes its lion's share of the vote, and splits the other nonproductive provinces to the opposition. The results can be announced between a week and three months in some cases. They make the voter ask, 'Who voted back this shit!?'

Police officers - men and women in torn police uniform who must be angry on behalf of the ruling party and president - so angry they are prepared to kill all those who wish their world was different. They usually look aside when bad luck - such as being assaulted - befalls perceived members of the opposition. They ensure the same members are locked up stat should they complain about their circumstances.

Multiparty system - a system whereby the ruling party sponsors a few groups of serious, angry-looking men and women who swear against the government during the day, and croon its praises during the night just so the world calls your country a democracy. These groups of individuals have expiry dates; when they cease to satisfy their sponsors, they are forced out of their leadership positions and more puppets with similar mandates are chosen.

War veterans - these are men and women who were involved in the last struggle for independence. They are usually aged between 17 and 90 years. These are the champions of the land reform programs who will either take your farm or life, or both, if they suspect you are aligned to the opposition.

Spoiled vote - any vote for the opposition is a spoiled vote, even if it were constructed with a ruler!
Independence - a situation where-by the population is no-longer dependent on colonial oppressor but the so-called liberator for their next flask of oxygen. This is never synonymous to 'freedom' and these two rarely co-exist.

Women's league - a group of omabuy'ekwendeni who all wish they were married to the president, and are very happy to show him their bedroom dances at airports, meetings or rallies. They have very little regard for the law of the home and even less respect for the married woman. They claim to champion the rights of the women, yet they support governments that oppress the same women.

Manifesto - a booklet with a summary of 'all things bright and beautiful' the ruling party would do for you if they still had the decency, means and energy. But now because they are aged and have driven the country down the toilet seat, these will remain just that - wishes.

Thandazela - an act of praying for members of the opposition, or anybody who is perceived as disliking the government of the day. At the end of the prayer, surprisingly, the victim is either maimed, or has disappeared from the face of the earth!

Pasi - a very popular term shouted at every rally by the ruling party. It spells danger for names mentioned in the same breath with it. Should anyone say that to you, fright, fight or flight!

Ngiyabonga mina.