Why Tsvangirai should be president

Morgan Richard Tsvangirai is the leader of the opposition MDC-T and has, for the past 15 years, been campaigning, or is it struggling, to become the president of the republic of Zimbabwe.

In his journey, the man has been supported by some and ridiculed by others. As a result of his string of loins-inspired scandals and political misfirings, most people are now dismissing him as a clown.

I want to go against the tide and declare that Tsvangirai would actually make a good president.

As I sip my coffee, I can imagine a country headed by Tsvangirai, oh what joy we would have!

Why?
For starters, he would solve the problem of unequal numbers of females and males in the country that has seen many of our sisters going unmarried. According to the 2012 census, the proportion of the male and female population is 48 percent and 52 percent, respectively.

It doesn't need a genius to figure out that if one man sticks to one woman, quite a number of women would be left "hanging" as it were. Now, this Morgan chap has the right prescription.

To his credit, he has paid a total of $360 000 to one woman as damages, married another one for over $30 000 and lavishly wedded her and agreed to an out-of court settlement for yet another woman he impregnated. In the spirit of Pan-Africanism, Morgan also "took care" of a South African woman.

That's four women to his credit, well those that are publicly known anyway, and if all men in the country followed his footsteps, the headache of single daughters with no men to take care of them would be a thing of the past. I have confidence in his ability to convince the whole male population to follow his lead as his own lieutenants in the MDC-T are also practicing his polygamous approach to women.

I strongly suspect that if Morgan gets into power, he will quickly create a Ministry of Women's Affairs (literally) headed by Theresa Makone.

That would be much more fun instead of these straight-laced fellows currently in power, who frown upon promiscuity.

Secondly, I think Morgan should be president because he is too good a liar to go to waste.

The man can say one thing and turn around the next minute and deny it to your face. A liar with a straight face! Now we all know that being a president needs guts. His talent for lying and the selective memory he is blessed with can come in handy when he is out there negotiating lucrative deals and contracts for the country.

If for some reason, his lying skills are not functioning properly one day, his spokesperson, Luke Tamborinyoka can step in without hassle. I foresee Tamborinyoka being appointed the Minister of Disinformation and Publicity At All Costs.

Thirdly, with Morgan in power, the country's unemployment rate is likely to go down as he is bound to employ a significant number of youths to beat up and tear the shirts of his perceived adversaries or anyone who dares to think they are cleverer than him. So if Morgan and each of his cronies employ, let's say 20 bulldogs, sorry, youths per person, huh, that's a respectable number of youths given employment.

Also, with our dear Morgan in power, the stigma normally attached to those who are dim-witted, terminally confused and rationally challenged will be done away with. Honestly, who would berate their child for doing badly in the intellect and common sense department when even the country's leader exhibits such traits? So to all those who are tired of being jeered and mocked daily for being lazy to think and exhibiting clownish traits, keep your fingers crossed that he becomes president and you can make him your role model. Who needs education when you can become a president with one O'level pass in Building Studies?

It is said in the scriptures that the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to children and verily I tell you, Morgan will lead us there. His child-like naivety is unparalleled. How indeed can we not be led to paradise by a leader who is so childishly innocent as to believe that if he gets into power, other world leaders will flock to pour money on him out of the goodness of their hearts with no hidden agenda whatsoever?

And last but not least, Morgan Richard Tsvangirai's ascendency to power will put the Zimbabwean entertainment industry on the map. Given his flair for drama, impromptu theatrics and ability to stage a one-man comedy show (just shove a microphone in his face); the man will surely take us places.
I can already envision his life story headlining in Hollywood: The Rise of the Clowns.

So really, all those of you who are busy denouncing Sir Richard Von Tsvangirai, shame on you for not recognizing the unprecedented leadership qualities the man possesses.

Remember, we should not judge a book by its cover. So take the time to look deep into the man's psyche, past the open zip and shut mind, and you will find a president par excellence.