This n that with Maluphosa - Live from Joburg

'Ngiya enkunini.' This was a very common and probably liked status when we grew up and began to know adult things. Other very common ones were 'Umama kekho,' 'Ssiya esigayweni,' or 'Kulabantu bemzini.'  It was left to the recipient to act on the status. 'Ngizakubona ntambana', or,  'Siyahlangana esibayeni'. Usually, these were written in pieces of flower-patterned writing pads, delivered by enthusiastic post boys or girls, and had a 'Please reply' at the end. these post persons could blackmail the duo at the slightest opportunity.  Do this or that for me, or ngiyabatshela abadala. ' Sbare, ngicela i-two-bob, or ngiyabatshela abadala.'  And for that much, one could buy two bottles of Fanta and some Ginger biscuits. But threatening to blurt out our secret was her status too.


Two friends of mine dated the same village girl once. Funny enough, the two were close friends but none of them knew they served the same 'master'.  Each time she wanted the one to visit her, she would lie to the other, 'U anti ukhona so ngiyalala laye'. And the young man would be forced to sleep at home against his will. And if she wanted the other to visit her, she would lie to the one, 'Kulabantu bemzini abazolindela ibhasi' – those busses zemakhaya which leave ezitolo at three in the morning.

When my grand-mother was angry with our neighbours, she would pace up and down the stretch of fence nearest the neighbour's home, and shout in the sweltering sun, endlessly like a text book. She will pretend to be working on the fence, ebamba lapha ayekele, adobhe loku alahle le!'Lizenza ngcono ngani, lisawukile linje? Ungathi  ngamathumbu akhanyiweyo!' She would carefully take aim at her target, without mentioning names. But later it would be the neighbour's turn to pace up and down on the opposite side, updating her status;  'Vele angifuni nje ukukhulunyelwa ngezinto zami.  Hamba uyofela le, ehlungwini!' Ungabolambela phezu kwami!' And, these are the types that are most prevalent on Whatsapp even nowadays!

Statuses were also expressed in the names given to dogs, cows and at times children. There were many talking names, like Badla ngami, Bzangenzani, Muntu-wani, Gwabangani. One neighbor named her dog, 'Uyinja' because she had quarreled with her husband.  Not all statuses held such messages; there were some with good messages as well; Sanelisiwe, Balungile. And of course, the religious ones like, 'Thank you God for my children - - -'or such like. But suffice to say some of these vitriolic statuses are so permanent and the damage they cause is at times irreversible.

Looking through the statuses of my friends on 'Whatsapp' one can tell there is a lot going on in our friends' private lives. And most of the times you are tempted to block some of these 'frenemies' because you never know who the messages are targeted at. One that scared me was the one declared by a friend when Senzo Meyiwa was killed. 'Ngabe kuhambe wena kwasala uSenzo'! I felt hatred like I had never felt before, flowing from this woman to her partner. Wishing death for someone is simply inhumane.  And when Mahamutsa kicked another player right in the groin, the same woman wrote, 'Ngabe uMahamutsa upatshaze awakho!'

But one could tell that the spear hit the target. 'Wena lo Kelly xathu!' was the obvious reply. But why would we exchange 'phone numbers if we are enemies in the first place? Or we are friends, and then fall out, and send these nasty messages? Of course, we do not write names in our statements; it's like, ' - - -to whom it may concern', or kubongolela egwaziweyo. 'Awumubi angathi upheka ipoison!' And another one that I thought was meant for me; 'Awukhulumi nje ungathi wazalelwa emhlanganweni'. An associate who is about to divorce has a blasphemous one: 'Marriages are made in heaven, so are thunder and lightning'! A work mate showed me his status, 'If a man whistles at you, don't turn; you are a lady, not a dog!' You rarely find statuses that will encourage or inspire you.

The status I hated most was the secretive, 'Hamba uyeko mamomdala uyekuthi ngithe ye!'  Ye what, I would crack my head. Ye? And I would try to link stories and events leading to this 'Ye', in vain. Ye? 'Umama uthe ye', I would deliver the message, sharp and short as it was. And mamomdala would show no signs that she did not understand any part of this message. This would frustrate me all the worse! At times mama would send me across the village to deliver a package wrapped up so much it was difficult to make out what it was even from the shape. And no amount of palpation and auscultation would solve the mystery. And mamomdala would snatch the bundle and place it on the table. I would delay my good-byes, hoping she would open the parcel in my presence. I would leave without a hint as to what it could be. I would spend many hours thereafter, trying to figure out what it was I delivered, trying to link events and stories of the week with this delivery. This is what happens when I see a status that is not so 'specific'. Is this aimed at me? Have I wronged one of my friends to deserve this message? Have I created an enemy without knowing it? It worries me when after talking to a friend they go straight to change their status; 'Uzakhuluma uze uwele phansi, masaka!' I somehow wish it's not aimed at me.

But Whatsapp has provided us with good examples of statuses, like 'At the movies', 'At work', 'At the gym,' 'Sleeping'. I think these are not only civil but they are also brief and informative. They are, of course, the 'to- whom- it- may- concern' type. They are not vulgar; nor are they bitter. No one can ever be guilt-ridden because I am at a meeting. No one can ever be offended by my being available, or sleeping. No one can have sleepless nights because 'I am at the gym'. These statuses are exactly like the ones we used to post in our letters as young lovers. 'Ngiya enkomeni'.

And our parents loved to layezela using such short and precise statuses too. 'Ubaba angabuya, ngisesibayeni'. 'Kungafika abantu abangifunayo, lithi angikho.' They would say this even when they were present. Is it not possible for those abaxabene to meet and talk things over instead of attacking each other indirectly using Whatsapp statueses?  Not everyone wants to know about your secret petty quarrels, and not everyone wants to know about the shenanigans of your partner or the ineffectiveness of your husband or wife, or your Casanova cousin, or you jealous half-sister.

Reminds me of that Jerry Springer show; why can't those cheating idiots just confess at home and solve it there, instead of making a spectacle of themselves in front of millions of viewers? Why would they want the whole world to know they slept with their mothers-in-law, or their sister's boy-friends or their step fathers? And someone would ask why I ever watch the show in the first place. Well, remember what that good Pastor Zondo said when his female visitor entered his house before he had his clothes on; keep my video; each time you are in trouble, compare your situation with what I have gone through, said he. So keep that status 'aimed' at you, and compare it with that 'aimed' at me. But beware, that status could hurt someone!

Ngiyabonga mina!