Opinion / Columnist
Promoting meaningful closeness in relationships
29 Dec 2015 at 10:47hrs | Views
For partners to create long term satisfying relationship more than love is needed. What is needed is meaning closeness that comes from both partners being intentional in the use of time they spend with each and away from each other. Also needed like with everything else in life are good communication skills as well as being tactful in dealing with conflict and continually envisioning a future together. In this article the author will discuss meaningful closeness with other aforementioned topics to follow in later articles.
Meaningful closeness is about 1) listening and being heard 2) expressing appreciation of the other person in the relationship 3) prioritising your relationship 4) celebrating accomplishments meaningfully and responsibly 5) being present and emotionally supportive during times of joy and of crisis as well as 6) being committed to fidelity in a relationship. The other topics listed above will now be closely examined one after the other.
1) Listening and being heard.
A large part of being effective in a relationship depends on how well you interact with your partner. Many problems in relationships stem from people not listening to each other. Many talk to each other but not much listening is done because few seek to hear what the other is saying before they have their say in the discussion. For partners to hear each other both should listen attentively. This way they will both get what the other needs and is saying. In listening it is important to avoid the mistake that many make which makes many feel like they are not being heard and that is interrupting the other person before they have finished talking. If you have a problem with listening you should learn this skill by starting off by listening for twenty seconds before interrupting and later increase the amount of time you take giving the other person a hearing before having your say. Listening is important as it makes the other partner feel respected, accepted, and acknowledged. This increases the closeness of people in a relationship and diffuses problems before they become bigger and more complicated to solve.
2) Expressing appreciation of the other person in the relationship.
To many, showing them appreciation is as simple as saying a sincere thank you. Appreciation however, is deeper than merely saying thank you, it is about recognising someone's efforts and positive contribution to your life. It means being understanding and showing gratitude. In expressing appreciation one should avoid the "you" statements and instead use the "I" statements. Instead of saying... "You are great at saving money for emergencies" one should say " I appreciate that that you are great at saving money". Also vague compliments like "You are sweet" should be avoided. Instead in their place one should use specific compliments like saying "I appreciate that you are always friendly and cheerful". It is important to appreciate and thank your partner even for doing what is expected of them. Too many are never thanked when they do household chores or bring home the bacon but are readily criticised when they do wrong increasing the feeling of being taken for granted, hence contributing in partners drifting apart.
3) Prioritising your relationship
If a relationship is to be fulfilling it needs to be a priority to both partners. Both partners have to make their relationship an important matter in their lives. This might seem obvious to many but far too many people neglect their relationships leading to the other partner not knowing what exactly is going on in the relationship. Some act like they have "forgotten" that they are in a relationship. This is caused by partners getting into a routine and relaxing too much to the extent that the relationship becomes boring and intolerable. Before long the focus is directed elsewhere (with work and other partners being the main culprits) and the relationship is put on the back burner and then it goes stale. Far too many find themselves out of a relationship without there ever being a real conflict, what they don't recognise is that not making your relationship a priority can also kill it.
4) Celebrating accomplishments meaningfully and responsibly.
From time to time both partners need to write down all they have accomplished since the start of the relationship and take time to pat each other in the back. Also important is treating themselves to something special they both like as a way of celebrating their accomplishments. Celebrating the successes in a relationship on significant days like a wedding anniversary is important in promoting meaningful closeness. If partners do not assess their progress from time to time they might begin to feel like their relationship is not going anywhere when that might not be the truth. Celebrating accomplishments makes a couple avoid the trap of always chasing the elusive "next level" or so called "relationship goals".
5) Being present and emotionally supportive during times of joy and of crisis.
In a healthy relationship it is important for one partner to be present and be emotionally supportive in times of joy and of a crisis. A partner who is not available when the other is not feeling well is as disappointing as the one that misses another's graduation ceremony. Partners should however avoid deliberately hurting each other thereby creating a crisis for them to be there for the other partner. While in movies, directors never seem to tire in creating scenes where the man (usually) hurts the woman only to come afterwards with a bunch of flowers to apologise and be accepted things don't work that way in real life as people tire easily and are less tolerant of being hurt like in the movies. In times of joy be delighted in your partner's success as being threatened by the success of your partner is a deal breaker in many relationships.
6) Being committed to fidelity in a relationship.
Committing to fidelity in a relationship is more than not having sexual relations with another person other than your partner. It might happen that your partner is a quiet and shy making you feel alone alone even if you are with them. This usually leads to one partner spending time with "friends" (usually of opposite sex). While it might be difficult for your partner to verbalise having a partner that spends too much time with their friends is hurtful and makes a person if they are still loved anymore. A relationship can be placed in a difficult situation when one partner forms an emotional relationship with another person outside the relationship whom they don't the other partner to know or have a relationship with. Fidelity in a relationship means total commitment, trust and respect between the partners. The above advice if followed in a way that's suitable to a particular relationship and personalities involved will foster meaningful closeness between partners.
Velempini Ndlovu is a freelance photographer, librarian, teacher and law (LLB) student. He can be reached on 0824407756 or veapndlovu@gmail.com.
Meaningful closeness is about 1) listening and being heard 2) expressing appreciation of the other person in the relationship 3) prioritising your relationship 4) celebrating accomplishments meaningfully and responsibly 5) being present and emotionally supportive during times of joy and of crisis as well as 6) being committed to fidelity in a relationship. The other topics listed above will now be closely examined one after the other.
1) Listening and being heard.
A large part of being effective in a relationship depends on how well you interact with your partner. Many problems in relationships stem from people not listening to each other. Many talk to each other but not much listening is done because few seek to hear what the other is saying before they have their say in the discussion. For partners to hear each other both should listen attentively. This way they will both get what the other needs and is saying. In listening it is important to avoid the mistake that many make which makes many feel like they are not being heard and that is interrupting the other person before they have finished talking. If you have a problem with listening you should learn this skill by starting off by listening for twenty seconds before interrupting and later increase the amount of time you take giving the other person a hearing before having your say. Listening is important as it makes the other partner feel respected, accepted, and acknowledged. This increases the closeness of people in a relationship and diffuses problems before they become bigger and more complicated to solve.
2) Expressing appreciation of the other person in the relationship.
To many, showing them appreciation is as simple as saying a sincere thank you. Appreciation however, is deeper than merely saying thank you, it is about recognising someone's efforts and positive contribution to your life. It means being understanding and showing gratitude. In expressing appreciation one should avoid the "you" statements and instead use the "I" statements. Instead of saying... "You are great at saving money for emergencies" one should say " I appreciate that that you are great at saving money". Also vague compliments like "You are sweet" should be avoided. Instead in their place one should use specific compliments like saying "I appreciate that you are always friendly and cheerful". It is important to appreciate and thank your partner even for doing what is expected of them. Too many are never thanked when they do household chores or bring home the bacon but are readily criticised when they do wrong increasing the feeling of being taken for granted, hence contributing in partners drifting apart.
3) Prioritising your relationship
If a relationship is to be fulfilling it needs to be a priority to both partners. Both partners have to make their relationship an important matter in their lives. This might seem obvious to many but far too many people neglect their relationships leading to the other partner not knowing what exactly is going on in the relationship. Some act like they have "forgotten" that they are in a relationship. This is caused by partners getting into a routine and relaxing too much to the extent that the relationship becomes boring and intolerable. Before long the focus is directed elsewhere (with work and other partners being the main culprits) and the relationship is put on the back burner and then it goes stale. Far too many find themselves out of a relationship without there ever being a real conflict, what they don't recognise is that not making your relationship a priority can also kill it.
From time to time both partners need to write down all they have accomplished since the start of the relationship and take time to pat each other in the back. Also important is treating themselves to something special they both like as a way of celebrating their accomplishments. Celebrating the successes in a relationship on significant days like a wedding anniversary is important in promoting meaningful closeness. If partners do not assess their progress from time to time they might begin to feel like their relationship is not going anywhere when that might not be the truth. Celebrating accomplishments makes a couple avoid the trap of always chasing the elusive "next level" or so called "relationship goals".
5) Being present and emotionally supportive during times of joy and of crisis.
In a healthy relationship it is important for one partner to be present and be emotionally supportive in times of joy and of a crisis. A partner who is not available when the other is not feeling well is as disappointing as the one that misses another's graduation ceremony. Partners should however avoid deliberately hurting each other thereby creating a crisis for them to be there for the other partner. While in movies, directors never seem to tire in creating scenes where the man (usually) hurts the woman only to come afterwards with a bunch of flowers to apologise and be accepted things don't work that way in real life as people tire easily and are less tolerant of being hurt like in the movies. In times of joy be delighted in your partner's success as being threatened by the success of your partner is a deal breaker in many relationships.
6) Being committed to fidelity in a relationship.
Committing to fidelity in a relationship is more than not having sexual relations with another person other than your partner. It might happen that your partner is a quiet and shy making you feel alone alone even if you are with them. This usually leads to one partner spending time with "friends" (usually of opposite sex). While it might be difficult for your partner to verbalise having a partner that spends too much time with their friends is hurtful and makes a person if they are still loved anymore. A relationship can be placed in a difficult situation when one partner forms an emotional relationship with another person outside the relationship whom they don't the other partner to know or have a relationship with. Fidelity in a relationship means total commitment, trust and respect between the partners. The above advice if followed in a way that's suitable to a particular relationship and personalities involved will foster meaningful closeness between partners.
Velempini Ndlovu is a freelance photographer, librarian, teacher and law (LLB) student. He can be reached on 0824407756 or veapndlovu@gmail.com.
Source - Velempini Ndlovu
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