This and that with Mal'phosa - Back From Heaven

Have you heard? It's a crime to call one pastor's name in Zimbabwe, that pastor who went to heaven and took photos and came back to earth within hours. Well, they say his name yinhlamba enkulu but no one has volunteered to tell me what it means. Meanwhile, I will call him that here because here ligama lomuntu. Yes, there are such names – good ones here but derogatory somewhere else. Think of Masimba, for instance. It's one thing in Zimbabwe and another totally different one ko Mthwakazi. You hesitate to say the name when you have to, especially nxa ku dliwa. Words, words, words, and their meanings.

But then, I want to say the pastor out did himself when in heaven. Because he is still so angry with the snake that deceived Eve and Adam, he wouldn't come back without proof that yes, such a snake did indeed exist and as a shepherd of God's flock, he felt obliged to bring proof to sometimes doubting sheep. Of all the things that we had to see as first hand evidence, he chose to leak the snake selfie first.

And this begs questions such as, what is the life span of any healthy snake, regardless of size, type and purpose, or whether condemned or ‘chosen'? Even imgobho iyafa bo! If this is the same snake which tricked Adam and Eve to eat of the forbidden fruit, is he supposed to be in heaven or hell, or at least Purgatory? My guess is, the snake died long ago and if heaven has to remember him he'd be in the hall of shame, not fame. Where exactly is the Garden of Eden on the map? Is it part of heaven or it's somewhere here on earth? Or did it happen that when God was angry with Adam and Eve for bringing the name of this holy place into disrepute, he decided to relocate the garden and leave to heaven? I guess Mboro was numb with excitement when he got to heaven that he forgot to ask anything.

Surprisingly last week the pastor claimed the photos had been stolen at a car wash somewhere in Joburg; no, not stolen. It is his phone that was stolen and the photos deleted by the thief. It has to be the work of the angels of Satan or Satan himself. He was jealous that we were going to see and langaza ikhaya lethu phezulu. How do you explain the fact that the phone was brought back to the owner, minus the photos? Incredible happenings neh?

Still, yesterday, the pastor came out and denied the heaven story. He says it is the work of his  enemies. But one would expect his enemies to discredit him and tell his flock he went to hell and came back with horns or long finger nails or a hoarse voice or ‘walking' like a snake, or some such ridiculous, incredible story. He is now adamant he never toured heaven nor did he ever possess the smart phone mentioned in the story. Meanwhile, he has always done incredible things for his flock, like helping women deliver fish or stones or whatever occupies those abnormally distended abdomens.

And he has always been a wanted man, by the religious what what of South Africa for failing to make public his churche's assets or allow the church to be audited. And now with this latest scam they say he faces a jail term. But he is not the only one who refuses to be audited or supervised or regulated by the government or organizations under which all churches fall. I have seen many people with green t-shirts with paragraphs written at the back and front. They declare that they are spiritualists and there can not be regulated by human beings. But many times I have heard pastors and preachers reminding us to obey amakhosi omhlaba because they were put there by God. So, are these churches and, particularly the pastors, exempt?

However, one would understand why these churches need to be regulated and audited. Most of them are there for the money and the pastors, who are usually the owners, know it. They sell hope; but hope is inevitably pulverized in the hands of reality. Most of their flocks are getting poorer by the day while the pastors are adding zeros to their bank accounts every day. Some sell prayer for thousands of rands. They have set up departments like any corporate; you have a client's services department with a toll free number, which number will refer you to the prayer, or miracle, or counseling department, depending on the type and intensity or seriousness of your problem.

The clients' services department, for instance,  will be those uniformed ones who walk around during the service, making sure that we are attentive, picking up those supposedly attacked or asebefikelwe ngama demon. The supplies department makes sure the people get what they want readily – like holy water, and all other church regalia or paraphernalia. The Accounts department ensures that we pay our tithe and general mnikelo. The Public Relations Department  also act as ushers to visitors or the recently converted, on top of ‘putting records straight.' They will lead you to the praying team – miracles or general prayer – to chase away all the demons that have been holding you back – materially and spiritually, and baptize you with the holy sprit. You are referred back to the supplies department where you will buy all this stuff prescribed by the pastor. Fuionally, the Advertising department will drive around the streets reminding and inviting us to come to their unique church to celebrate Easter or Christmas or Valentine's Day and New Years Eve. Very well organized schemes, or scams, if you ask me.

Now, I still have to see Mboro's first service after he toured heaven. I can see his congregants already, giving him thunderous applause only second to the one he got in heaven. I can see him bounce right up to the end of the service, chiding all those who thought he was not the chosen one. I can hear him call God by his first name since they now know each other face to face and they have even shaken hands as he sat onto God's right hand. I can even imagine that he was given a new Mandate as a man of God. It will not surprise me to hear him denounce the ten commandments as given on mount Sinai, and introducing new ones he just brought – fresh and unadulterated yet. Only his gullible and subservient flock will believe this cow dung of a story. Someone going to heaven to meet snakes and float in the clouds? In this age and era? I wash my hands of Mboro and company.

Ngiyabonga mina!