I did not invite myself to the Oceans summit, Cdes

Dear Cabinet and Politburo members

COMRADES, I am so disappointed by the ignorance displayed by our opposition. Their ignorance of global issues is inexcusable for people who harbour dreams of one day leading our people. If anything, it makes them a real danger to the very people they hope to lead.

Surely, how could they — to a man — fall over each other to display their ignorance by questioning my participation at the Oceans Summit in New York, in the United States of America?

First and foremost, that event was strictly by invitation. Did I invite myself to it? So they think the people who invited me there were so daft as not to know who qualified and who did not qualify to attend the summit? Has anyone at Harvest-(where-you-did-not-sow) House ever run a country, let alone a regional or international body for them to leap forward to proffer advice that no one had asked for? Do they even know how local authorities are run? Very foolish people… they even started speculating that we could be having plans to invade one of our neighbours that have access to oceans! Ignorance is a curse indeed!

We might not have an ocean of our own, but that does not mean we exist in isolation. Even in our African culture, a child belongs to the whole village, not just its biological parents. If our own Lake Kariba and the recently commissioned Tokwe-Muko-sea do not qualify for oceans, we still have oceans vicariously via many of our African brothers and sisters in the Southern African Development Community (SADC) and Africa as a whole.

Whenever such an event is taking place, it is important that experienced leadership represents the continent, lest it is severely short-changed by the evil West, which is why my presence at this conference was an absolute necessity. Tell me just one other leader who can represent the continent better? Just one?

I am actually made to understand that African leaders actually discussed this and agreed that their attendance was conditional upon my own attendance because I am the only leader who is capable of representing the continent on the global area.

I am not surprised at all. You all heard the youths affirming my rare leadership skills last week, didn't you?

Besides, if the West is allowed to continue running the show, as it has been doing for centuries, global warming will see sea levels rising, resulting in most of our neighbours losing vast swathes of land. Their people would end up seeking refuge in land-locked countries such as ours, so we can scarcely afford aloofness. That would be akin to ignoring a fire consuming a neighbour's homestead thinking it will end there, only to realise your costly folly when the entire village has been razed.

If these basic truths escape Morgan & Co, they have no hope of grasping the arcane art of statecraft.

Kindest Regards
Yours Sincerely

ME

…AND THE NOTEBOOK

Anniversary
Last week — on June 2 to be exact — marked exactly 35 years after Dr CZ communicated his well-considered decision to dismiss himself from the ever-(mis)ruling ZANU-PF party, having done so on June 2, 1982, just two years into our independence when then Cde CZ realised, with a deep sense of disappointment, that the country was not going in the direction which tens of thousands of patriots died fighting for, and therefore, did not want to be associated with the disaster that was fast-arriving.

This was one of the very few decisions that Dr CZ has ever made consciously—for most of decisions are made for him by other people or by circumstances (which is also called an accident of coincidence), and he, ergo, cannot be held personally accountable. Of the few decisions that Dr CZ has made, this is one he is immeasurably proud of and would repeat over and over again if he were to have another life on this side of the rainbow.

ZANU-PF is nothing short of a cult and as a former member, Dr CZ can testify to this reality without a scintilla of regret.

Dr CZ made this important decision decades ago, before Kudzanai Chipanga  was even born. He therefore is not amused when Chipanga and those of his ilk queue up to outdo each other in the art of bootlicking.

Last week, Chipanga was at it at a ruling party rally in Marondera: "Truly speaking, in heaven there is God and here on earth there is an angel called Robert Gabriel Mugabe. You are representing God here on earth."

He did not end there: "But he is an angel. Who doesn't know that God's angels are called Gabriel? I promise you, people, that when we go to heaven do not be surprised to see Robert Gabriel Mugabe standing besides God vetting people into heaven. Gushungo, you are an angel. Amai Mugabe, you are a wife of an angel so when people enter heaven and when it's Zimbabwe's turn, you will be seated there, with secretary for administration (Ignatius) Chombo having names, while you will be vetting those whom you know."

Dr CZ has heard too much of this moronic praise-singing over the years and it is exactly because of this that this country is in the shape that it is today. One cannot blame confused young Chipanga for carrying forward a tradition that he found deeply entrenched in the party. Blame lies squarely on the one and only person who actively encourages it…the one who benefits from this  blasphemy. You and Dr CZ know that it is blasphemous even to think of remotely drawing parallels.

This reminds Dr CZ of an incident in which British politician-cum-everything, George Galloway, had to profusely apologise to wolves after an unfortunate mix-up in which he had mistakenly described former United States President George W Bush as a "wolf," saying he had grievously defamed wolves: "No wolf would commit the sort of crimes against humanity that George Bush committed against the people of Iraq."

Anyway, Dr CZ is very sure that his former colleagues who remained in ZANU-PF would certainly love this Squealer character in George Orwell classic, Animal Farm.

"Comrades!" he cried. "You do not imagine, I hope, that we pigs are doing this in a spirit of selfishness and privilege? Many of us actually dislike milk and apples. I dislike them myself. Our sole object in taking these things is to preserve our health. Milk and apples (this has been proved by Science, comrades) contain substances absolutely necessary to the well being of a pig. We pigs are brainworkers. The whole management and organisation of this farm depends on us. Day and night, we are watching over your welfare. It is for YOUR sake that we drink that milk and eat those apples."

Clueless
Dr CZ is still very sad and trying to recover from the grave disappointment he suffered when his name was dropped on the eleventh hour from the list of worthies that had been short-listed for positions on the notorious Censorship Board. Because of his vast experience in all things mischievous, natural candidate Dr CZ had been promised the position of deputy chairperson of the board, but it looks like someone went behind his back and ill-mouthed the one and only ISO-certified patriot in this country to the point where the appointing authority felt it dangerous to include Yours Truly on this important board, itself a relic of the dreary colonial days.

What has since disappointed Dr CZ further is the fact that the new chairman of the board, Cde Aenias Chigwedere — who has been accused of witchcraft by his son — thought he was being clever by half when he decided to tell journalists that approached him for fulsome interviews that he had no clue as to what his job at the Censorship Board entails.

Dr CZ is keeping his legal options open… he might approach the courts to challenge his exclusion from this appointment of a lifetime!

Spinning
Dr CZ's brother, Leader Luke Tamborinyoka, last week came out guns blazing in defence of Morgan Tsvangirai's daughter and her husband who some media outlets claimed had blessed themselves from a tender to supply water chemicals to the Harare City council.

"The false story in the latest issue of The Sunday Mail implicating president Morgan Tsvangirai's daughter, Vimbai, and her husband, Batsirai, fits snugly into a well-orchestrated plot to tarnish the Tsvangirai name ahead of the next election," fumed Tamborinyoka, whose job description includes fuming on behalf of Tsvangirai. "The newspaper lies, with neither shame nor compunction, that Vimbai and her husband were corruptly awarded a tender to supply water chemicals and were paid by the Harare City council…"

In the past, when journalists have approached the same Tamborinyoka about things that most Zimbos would want to know, like the former prime minister's status at that posh Highlands house — whether he is a tenant or owner — or that he was having challenges making good commitments to those women he had a dalliance with in his apprentice days in power, Tamborinyoka has stridently maintained that his brief as Tsvangirai's spokesman does not extend to his private life or family issues. Suddenly, he is now speaking on behalf of Tsvangirai's adult children as if they do not have mouths of their own.

Best maid
A house maidservant asked her madam to increase her salary. The madam asked her to give three good reasons showing cause why she felt she deserved an upward variation of her salary…

Maid: I can cook better than you.

Madam: Who told you that?

Maid: Your husband told me.

Madam: Okay, second reason…

Maid: I can iron better than you.

Madam: Who told you that?

Maid: Your husband told me.

Madam: Okay, last reason.

Maid: I am also better than you in bed (Madam got furious, grab a stick to smash her head).

Madam: Did my husband say that?

Maid: No, the driver told me I'm better than you in bed.

Madam: Shhhh! Lower your voice please! I will increase your salary by 100 percent backdated to the day you started working in this household. You are such a hard working girl!