Let's make sure Tsvangirai does not boycott, Cdes

Dear Cabinet and Politburo members

COMRADES, so far so good! From the three provinces that I have been able to tour so far meeting the youth, I am quite impressed with the excellent work that most of you Cdes have been doing to keep our people happy.

The last time I saw our people this happy was in 1980. I have no doubt next year's elections will be a mere constitutional formality because the people are decidedly on our side and nothing is going to change in the foreseeable future; moreso with the success of the various programmes that our government has rolled out… the Zimbabwe Agenda for Sustainable Socio-Economic Transformation (Zim-Asset) and Command Agriculture. Unlike in the past, when our people were hungry and vulnerable to the wiles of rival political suitors, this time things are different. They have more than enough to be tempted to sell their birthright for a single meal… and every other promise that we gave them is being fulfilled. They have every reason to trust us.

I, therefore, do not see how Morgan and his colleagues in the opposition movement hope to come up with a miracle to grab any meaningful votes in the coming elections.

My only prayer is that Morgan does not clutch at his usual electoral reform fig leaf to justify boycotting the elections. I need him in the ring to make the elections worthwhile. Whatever it is we do, we should just make sure that we do not give him an excuse to pull out because he gives our electoral victory credibility. We cannot allow him to deny us the sweetness of a sound electoral victory.

I am sure that by the time I have toured more than half of the provinces, I will be able to give you an idea of the margin by which we will cruise to victory in the forthcoming elections.

Meanwhile, I notice that this Nkosana fella has decided to embarrass himself further by throwing his name into the hat for next year.

Like the sages say, dreaming is a human right granted to man at the beginning of time. It is his right to dream, just as it is his right to make an idiot of himself. He blew up a golden chance we gave him years ago when he cowardly abandoned his post in our War Cabinet. Now he thinks he is presidential material!

Anyway, 2018 is just around the corner and politics is a game for amadoda sibili… I just wonder if Nkosana is one!

Kindest Regards

Yours Sincerely
ME

… AND THE NOTEBOOK

Nxa-a!
In May 2013, Dr Nkosana Moyo  — remember that upstart who embarrassed our leaders by being so unAfrican as to dismiss himself from a Cabinet post that many would kill for — told the media: "My advice would be, we need to have a shift and have a crop of Africans who, when they come out of college, go and work, accumulate capital, put themselves in positions where they can support their families and when they go into government, they go and serve, not to earn a living."

Nxa-a! This alien thinking is unAfrican, small wonder why this fellow could not last as a government minister in our free Zimbabwe. Surely, everyone who knows that politics is as good a business as printing money would be livid at this sort of outlandish thinking. Can you tell that to any politician, be they in the ruling party or in the opposition, in this country where people go into politics to look after clans?

We are happy that Moyo has finally decided to join politics so that he can test his ideas against the realities on the ground. The reason Dr CZ quit politics more than three decades ago is exactly because there is no room for civilised politics in our country. Nkosana's western type of politics has no room in Africa — Zimbabwe in particular — where power has to be acquired and retained at any cost. Our politics is for people without any conscience at all… we wonder how Nkosana sees himself fitting in. Well, let us all wait and see!

Nibbling
Well, where can Dr CZ start? Okay, read this: "I love spicy, rich food. I avoid it because it makes me feel both bloated and about to explode. Similarly, I don't believe that monogamy is a biological truth, particularly for men. But I still don't fool around because my wife would put a grenade in my pants. That's feeling bloated and about to explode." This in not from Dr CZ, hell no! It is from one Tim Allen, the only person in the whole world who holds a PhD in Advanced Women's Studies and self certified expert in anything male (based on more than six decades of hands-on experience in being a man) whose Don't Stand Too Close to a Naked Man is one book and a half!

According to Allen, men go to all extremes just to nibble on the niceties of life. According to this expert, some (thankfully not all or most) men tend to develop split personalities: Half model citizen, half hooligan!

The chap twaddles on: "Men's and women's magazines are very different. What's most interesting about women's publications is their preoccupation with men:

•How to tell if he's lying.
•How to stop his snoring.
•How to make him a better person.

The articles constantly emphasise a basic philosophy: If we can't live without men, let's at least try to change them.

Women get to be embarrassed, too.

•Six exercises for your love muscle.
•Sports medicine and your love muscle.

The first was actually on the cover of Cosmo. Helen Gurley Brown scares me.

Men's magazines do not constantly give guys advice on how to deal with her period. Or on how to stop her b******t from getting to you. Or on how to change her.

Men's magazines reveal that men tend to mind their own business. We care about women, even celebrate them. We also celebrate the geeky guy who gets the beautiful model. But that is about as far as it goes. Men magazines do not offer one-page quizzes to see if a couple is compatible. We do not ask if a marriage can be saved. We do not offer quick makeup hints. Men's magazines are more about fashion and getting ahead in business. I think biker magazines are the only men's publications that deal seriously with women, as in "How to make your chick look tough enough on your Harley."

Person of value
There was a farmer who collected horses … he only needed one more breed to complete his collection. One day, he found out that his neighbour had the particular horse breed he needed. So, he constantly bothered his neighbour until he sold it to him.

A month later, the horse became ill and he called the veterinarian, who said: "Well, your horse has a virus. He must take this medicine for three days. I will come back on the third day and if he's not better, we are going to have to put him down."

Nearby, the pig listened closely to their conversation.

The next day, they gave him the medicine and left. The pig approached the horse and said: "Be strong, my friend. Get up or else they're going to put you to sleep!"

On the second day, they gave him the medicine and left. The pig came back and said: "Come on buddy, get up or else you are going to die! Come on, I will help you get up. Let's go! One, two, three…"

On the third day, they came to give him the medicine and the vet said: "Unfortunately, we are going to have to put him down tomorrow. Otherwise, the virus might spread and infect the other horses."

After they left, the pig approached the horse and said: "Listen pal, it is now or never! Get up, come on! Have courage! Come on! Get up! Get up! That is it, slowly! Great! Come on, one, two, three. Good, good. Now faster, come on…. fantastic! Run, run more! Yes! Yes! You did it, you're a champion!!!

All of a sudden, the owner came back, saw the horse running in the field and began shouting: "It is a miracle! My horse is cured. This deserves a party. Let us kill the pig!"

Points for reflection: This often happens in the workplace. Nobody truly knows which employee actually deserves the merit of success, or who is actually contributing the necessary support to make things happen.

Marriage
Last but not least, this one from a loyal DR CZ fan will certainly take the reader's marriage to another level!

Once I was asked by my friend: "What is the secret behind your happy married life?"

I said: "You should share responsibilities with due love, and respect each other. Then absolutely there will be no problems."

He asked: "Can you explain?"

I said: "In my house, I take decisions on bigger issues where as my wife decides on smaller issues. We do not interfere in each other's decisions." Still not convinced, the friend asked me: "Give me some examples."

I said: "Smaller issues like how many kids to have, the neighbourhood to live, which car we should buy, how much amount to save, who, when and where to visit, which sofa, air conditioner, refrigerator, monthly expenses, whether to keep a maid or not etc, etc, are decided by my wife. I just agree to it."

He asked: "Then what is your role?"

I said: "My decisions are only for very big issues.

Like whether America should attack Iran, whether Britain should lift sanctions against Zimbabwe; how to fully exploit Africa's economic and intellectual potential; whether Museveni is should the next chair of the Africa Dictator's Forum, whether Donald Trump should be taken seriously; whether Arsenal FC needs to buy new players or change their coach to improve their play; whether the Zimbabwe Republic Police should have more than four roadblocks per province; whether Saviour Kasukuwere should be recalled from his powerful position as ZANU-PF national commissar etc, etc, and do you know one thing…my wife NEVER, EVER objects to any of these decisions! And there you have it, we live happily!"