Opinion / Columnist
This and that with Mal'phosa - That is not in the Bible
05 Mar 2013 at 09:49hrs | Views
There are four women who 'haunt' Jourbert Park all day every Sunday. They take turns to preach to a passers-by congregation, shouting their lungs out and prancing and flapping like chickens trying to protect their young ones from ihobo. There is one of them who is so fond of talking about 'internal life'; "- - - that who-so-ever believes in him, shall have internal life.' The other day, Dee prods me with his elbow and says, 'That is not in the Bible.' He reminds me of a local man who would hide behind non-existent verses if he wanted to tell you justify something, taking advantage of the fact that people don't know the bible as much as they claim to know it. The man would see a group of people discussing in low voices and go, 'Abasefesu 6 verse 9, unganyeyi yeyi!' Or he would fall face first while doing 90 km/h on a strip road, rise and say, 'UMathewu 56 verse 19, uJesu wawa es'phambanweni kodwa kazange alimale'. None of us would dare challenge him with our scanty Biblical knowledge, lest he embarrassed us. But, yes, all this is not in the bible!
IN 1983 April Fools' Day fell on a Friday. I went to the Scripture Union with a close friend. On this particular day the blessed meeting was graced by three very good members of the drama club one of which was named "Solid". Am not sure how someone could be called so. He was an excellent actor set apart from the rest by his ability to imitate and make jokes with his body movements without talking. He never looked for the humor, on the contrary he tended to let the words just come out his mouth, and could make anything funny. His spontaneous acting made him the most popular in the whole school. His killer facial expression and spontaneity made it really hard not to laugh. He was there, with his pals, just to test the Bible Bashers who operated under the pretext of the Scripture Union.
After that night's preacher had read a verse from Psalms something, Solid awkwardly approached the pulpit unannounced and uninvited. He went straight into his business – which was to ridicule the 'Pharisees'. "Our next reading comes from Hesitations 23," and everyone scrambled for their Bible. "The mother is a woman who brings you to the earth crying and the wife makes sure you continue doing so." You could see the ecstasy in the faces of all those gathered as they pointed to the said verse. "Therefore brethren - - -," and his first pal was up by his side. "Before he explains his verse, I would also like to read a scripture closely related to the one he just read. From Revolutions, the Lord says, and I quote, 'An intelligent wife is one that spends so much that her husband can't afford another wife'. Now over to - - -", and the second pal was by their side, eager to also read a scripture. "And from Actors 3, we read that the great prophet of God said the husband is the head of the family and the wife the neck; and therefore the neck can turn the head anywhere any time she wants." Well, it took a few intelligent ones to realize the joke was on them. The meeting turned into a serious acting joke as the three 'dancing disasters' took over the proceedings.
The Bible itself is very confusing. There is a great big bully we used to attend school with at primary. This is the guy you dared not laugh at when he made a mistake in class, which was each time he was called upon to give an answer. The headmaster picked him to say a verse at assembly; "Look at Mr. Spider, going up the wall; see Mr. Long Legs, crawl crawl, crawl!'This was a poem in our Day by Day readers, and this was one poem the guy had crammed well. Well, it is neither Biblical nor Religious. But his Biblical blunder is as common as preachers delivering long-winded public prayers. The Bible may be the most popular book in the world but it is still the most misquoted. People rarely challenge these goofs because Biblical ignorance is so pervasive that it even reaches groups of people who should know better.
Meanwhile, Sqhezema has almost finished reading the Bible – cover to cover. He was excited last week at some of his discoveries. He said he had discovered a few Biblical 'Verses' that were not in the Bible; common sayings like '- - - each man for himself and God for us all'. This, he says, was coined by selfish people who do not like sharing anything with others. 'Moderation in all things' is another verse not in the Bible. It is a common extra-polation of Aristocles doctrine of the Mean. He works at trying to find the mean or the middle ground, encouraging people to avoid extremes. An example he gives is to avoid cowardice or rash behavior in the face of danger. Despite the popular opinion, the famous saying 'Spare the rod, spoil the child' cannot be found anywhere in the Bible, says Sqhezema. But he says there are verses that promote a similar concept, such as Proverbs 13:24, vul'eyakho lawe! The Biblical parallel of ' - - - do unto others as you would have them do unto you', is found in the verse, "Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men do should to you, do ye even so to them.' To me, this was just paraphrased. Probably the most popular one is, 'Money is the root of all evil'. This is not in the Bible too. What the Bible warns against is the love for money. In Timothy somewhere, the Bible says "For the LOVE of money is the root of all evil."
Another one is "Cleanliness is next to godliness." There are sections of the bible that refer to cleanliness, but not as much to physical but rather spiritual cleanliness. More significantly, being clean refers to being without sin. Of course this is impossible for man to achieve on his own. Only through the belief in the saving power of God and His Son are we made clean. 'God works in mysterious ways'. Sqhezema says the origins of this phrase is uncertain, but it is definitely not from the Bible. 'The lion shall lay down with the lamb.' From filtering into pop culture to influencing Christian kitsh, the image of the lamb sweetly nestled into the side of the powerful and otherwise carnivorous lion is one that resonates. In Isaiah, there is a lot of juxtaposition of animals for other purposes, and lions and lambs are not paired. 'God helps those who help themselves'; Not only is this not in the Bible but the bible actually teaches the opposite of this. Supposedly, this was coined by Benjamin Franklin, who as a deist believed in self-reliance. Instead, the bible teaches us to put our faith in God, and to rely on him.
He still found a few verses that he thought were amusing, like Proverbs 27 verse 15 where a talkative wife is referred to as a drip. 'A quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping on a rainy day.' He has had experience with his estranged wife. Another amusing yet repulsive one refers to a dog eating its vomit. How gross! 'As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his folly'.
He also warns us not to make fun of the bald guy; we might become food for the bear – second Kings 2 vs 23. He says he would rather have egg on his face than what the Lord says on Malachi2v3; 'Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon their faces.' He also says he believes animals used to talk, as our folk-tales will claim – Numbers 22 vs 28, where the donkey, after suffering such a bashing from its owner, asked why it was being abused so. A verse he says he finds very terrifying is the one where the Lord had turned against the city with a very great destruction; and he smote the men of the city, both small and great, and they had hemorrhoids in their secret parts. Finally, he says he finds the Bible justifying genocide in first Kings16 vs 11; 'As it came to pass, when he began to reign, as soon as he sat on his throne, that he slew all the house of Baasha: he left him not one that pisseth against a wall, neither of his kinfolks or friends. So, he says, don't get pissed off by the new king. Ring a bell? What did your new king do immediately he came into power?
Ngiyabonga mina!
After that night's preacher had read a verse from Psalms something, Solid awkwardly approached the pulpit unannounced and uninvited. He went straight into his business – which was to ridicule the 'Pharisees'. "Our next reading comes from Hesitations 23," and everyone scrambled for their Bible. "The mother is a woman who brings you to the earth crying and the wife makes sure you continue doing so." You could see the ecstasy in the faces of all those gathered as they pointed to the said verse. "Therefore brethren - - -," and his first pal was up by his side. "Before he explains his verse, I would also like to read a scripture closely related to the one he just read. From Revolutions, the Lord says, and I quote, 'An intelligent wife is one that spends so much that her husband can't afford another wife'. Now over to - - -", and the second pal was by their side, eager to also read a scripture. "And from Actors 3, we read that the great prophet of God said the husband is the head of the family and the wife the neck; and therefore the neck can turn the head anywhere any time she wants." Well, it took a few intelligent ones to realize the joke was on them. The meeting turned into a serious acting joke as the three 'dancing disasters' took over the proceedings.
The Bible itself is very confusing. There is a great big bully we used to attend school with at primary. This is the guy you dared not laugh at when he made a mistake in class, which was each time he was called upon to give an answer. The headmaster picked him to say a verse at assembly; "Look at Mr. Spider, going up the wall; see Mr. Long Legs, crawl crawl, crawl!'This was a poem in our Day by Day readers, and this was one poem the guy had crammed well. Well, it is neither Biblical nor Religious. But his Biblical blunder is as common as preachers delivering long-winded public prayers. The Bible may be the most popular book in the world but it is still the most misquoted. People rarely challenge these goofs because Biblical ignorance is so pervasive that it even reaches groups of people who should know better.
Meanwhile, Sqhezema has almost finished reading the Bible – cover to cover. He was excited last week at some of his discoveries. He said he had discovered a few Biblical 'Verses' that were not in the Bible; common sayings like '- - - each man for himself and God for us all'. This, he says, was coined by selfish people who do not like sharing anything with others. 'Moderation in all things' is another verse not in the Bible. It is a common extra-polation of Aristocles doctrine of the Mean. He works at trying to find the mean or the middle ground, encouraging people to avoid extremes. An example he gives is to avoid cowardice or rash behavior in the face of danger. Despite the popular opinion, the famous saying 'Spare the rod, spoil the child' cannot be found anywhere in the Bible, says Sqhezema. But he says there are verses that promote a similar concept, such as Proverbs 13:24, vul'eyakho lawe! The Biblical parallel of ' - - - do unto others as you would have them do unto you', is found in the verse, "Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men do should to you, do ye even so to them.' To me, this was just paraphrased. Probably the most popular one is, 'Money is the root of all evil'. This is not in the Bible too. What the Bible warns against is the love for money. In Timothy somewhere, the Bible says "For the LOVE of money is the root of all evil."
Another one is "Cleanliness is next to godliness." There are sections of the bible that refer to cleanliness, but not as much to physical but rather spiritual cleanliness. More significantly, being clean refers to being without sin. Of course this is impossible for man to achieve on his own. Only through the belief in the saving power of God and His Son are we made clean. 'God works in mysterious ways'. Sqhezema says the origins of this phrase is uncertain, but it is definitely not from the Bible. 'The lion shall lay down with the lamb.' From filtering into pop culture to influencing Christian kitsh, the image of the lamb sweetly nestled into the side of the powerful and otherwise carnivorous lion is one that resonates. In Isaiah, there is a lot of juxtaposition of animals for other purposes, and lions and lambs are not paired. 'God helps those who help themselves'; Not only is this not in the Bible but the bible actually teaches the opposite of this. Supposedly, this was coined by Benjamin Franklin, who as a deist believed in self-reliance. Instead, the bible teaches us to put our faith in God, and to rely on him.
He still found a few verses that he thought were amusing, like Proverbs 27 verse 15 where a talkative wife is referred to as a drip. 'A quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping on a rainy day.' He has had experience with his estranged wife. Another amusing yet repulsive one refers to a dog eating its vomit. How gross! 'As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his folly'.
He also warns us not to make fun of the bald guy; we might become food for the bear – second Kings 2 vs 23. He says he would rather have egg on his face than what the Lord says on Malachi2v3; 'Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon their faces.' He also says he believes animals used to talk, as our folk-tales will claim – Numbers 22 vs 28, where the donkey, after suffering such a bashing from its owner, asked why it was being abused so. A verse he says he finds very terrifying is the one where the Lord had turned against the city with a very great destruction; and he smote the men of the city, both small and great, and they had hemorrhoids in their secret parts. Finally, he says he finds the Bible justifying genocide in first Kings16 vs 11; 'As it came to pass, when he began to reign, as soon as he sat on his throne, that he slew all the house of Baasha: he left him not one that pisseth against a wall, neither of his kinfolks or friends. So, he says, don't get pissed off by the new king. Ring a bell? What did your new king do immediately he came into power?
Ngiyabonga mina!
Source - Clerk Ndlovu
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