Stop lying, Joice didn't launch a political party

Just like many of my colleagues during this time of the year, I was out of the country over the past few weeks to re-connect with my spiritual father.

You see, many of our congregants will generally be broke at this time so there was really no need for us to waste our time preaching to people who after the sermon would walk out of the church as if they are coming from some social gathering.

This is commercial and so yeah, it was time yekunobikwa zvakare. Quite a number of my colleagues went to Ghana and Nigeria but I wasn't anywhere near Africa. It's good to be back.

How do I start this sermon?

There is a high risk that some people will think Bishop Lazarus vadzoka vakadhakwa or the Bishop has gone bonkers.

Let me quickly put a disclaimer here. I am a fanatic of that French theorist Jean Baudrillard who is considered a guru of French postmodern theory. For those not in the know, Baudrillard is that guy who published a paper saying "The Gulf war will not take place" just a few days before the Gulf war started in 1991.

When the Gulf war started, he maintained that it was not "really taking place". After the war, he published another paper saying "it did not take place."

Baudrillard argued that the Gulf war was nothing but a media spectacle and not a genuine war.

Crazy was this guy, isn't it?

Don't worry dear reader, I am not about to bombard you with social theories and philosophy here, but then what's the significance of Baudrillard's crazy thinking here?

Well, I have been reading lots of stories over the past few days saying Joice Mujuru launched her Zimbabwe People First political party.

I was at that said press conference where some people are saying she launched her political party and let me tell you this — Joice didn't launch anything. Nothing of that sort ever happened. I was there and no party was launched. Nothing!

I know some are already saying Bishop Lazarus vakupengeswa nerimwe benzi rekuFrance, Baudrillard but no, no, handisi kumhanya mushini or kumhanya bani as some of my congregants would put it.

No. Joice didn't launch anything. I was standing a few metres away from her as she was painfully ploughing through her flat speech and you can't tell me I would be so daft not to see if a political party was being launched. No.

You see, this is what Joice did. She came to this plush hotel and boy, ohh, boy you should have seen how her supposed bodyguards tried to imitate President Mugabe's bodyguards. You look at them trying to look mean and alert but you know what dear reader, there I was in the same elevator with them and their Mai Mujuru. I was standing behind her and those ever-alert bodyguards didn't see me.

But let's go back to what Joice did exactly. She came to this hotel, walked into the press conference room, of course looking super nervous, gave a speech and answered a few questions before leaving — again with her ever-alert bodyguards still trying to make it real.

She didn't launch any party. I was there when Edgar Tekere launched his ZUM.

I was there when Morgan launched his MDC. I was there when Simba Makoni launched his Mavambo. Mavambo akabva angoita magumo.

Simba Makoni, what an orator but sekuru vangu Matope would say hapana scopedhonoro apa. An empty orator. What a waste and what a shame! Someone greet Simba for me. While at it ask him kuti ko Joice wamuona here yaari kutambwa? Same style isn't?

I was there when the bombastic Arthur Mutambara came back from the US to join Welshman Ncube's party. I was there when Tendai Biti launched his party. The only person of note who launched his party when I was not there was Egypt Dzinemunenzwa. Kikikikikiki! I wasn't there and I don't want to claim that I know how he did it.

But for Tekere, Morgan, Simba, Mutambara and Biti, I was there and I know that while they were selling rotten eggs, they did try to make it real. In fact Morgan chakamira-mira, despite the massive hand-holding and all the open zip issues.

So no, Joice didn't launch anything. All she did was read what her creature would be all about. You remember those poorly written and shallow statements she has been publishing in the private media? She just came with one of those statements and read it out in front of bemused journalists and visibly disappointed diplomats.

She could have just put her long statement in the private media as usual and continue playing with her grandchildren at home.

I know Sylvester Nguni won't agree with me. He is supposed to be the personal assistant, what else can we expect? I know Bright Matonga won't agree with me, but then I can't remember who exactly said "Bright is not so bright." Let's leave him. Kana munhu awana basa risina basa todii? Siyai adyewo, it's really cold out there.

I know Jealous Mawarire won't agree with me, but then he is never supposed to agree with me. Jealous ari pabasa. In case you have forgotten dear reader, Jealous is that clever villager akadya Zimbabwe yose nebrain, went to court and made sure that the July 31, 2013 elections were held. He is a damn clever boy that one, so don't expect him to agree with me. Ndati ari pabasa. Morgan haana mate naye Jealous.

Ari pabasa kudaro, Joice didn't launch any party. What Joice did on this day is a "Big lesson on How not to Launch a Political Party."

In fact, I won't be way off the mark if I say Joice was actually not present at that press conference. She wasn't there.

Besides Joice's presence, besides the presence of a visibly tired Rugare Gumbo, besides the presence of a clearly disinterested Dydmus Mutasa and besides that rented crowd, there was nothing to show that someone serious was launching a political party.

Joice and her team have to quickly learn the basics in politics. The very basics, like the importance and effects of symbols in politics.

That thing they organised at that hotel was just hallow. There was nothing electrifying, there was no verve and that thing had no life. It was just too dull.

Surely, after months and months of preparation, I expected better but what I saw really got me feeling pity for Joice. Like I have always said, Joice is a very good mother and grandmother. I know she likes playing with her grandchildren like we saw in that other video.

But Joice as the leader of a political party, uuumm, that's stretching it too much. She can't stand the rigors of politics.

Let's not forget that for her to become Vice President, it wasn't through her scheming prowess. It was at the benevolence of President Mugabe with a little assistance from her husband, General Mujuru.

To prove my point here, after becoming Vice President, if the truth is to be told, Joice did not do anything to prove her leadership qualities. She continued riding on the President's mercy, mixing it with sympathy from some who looked at her not as a leader but as a woman.

When Joice was sacked from Zanu-PF, many thought she would ride on this sympathy card, but after months of hiding and with Rugare Gumbo and Dydmus Mutasa saying all manner of nonsense, that sympathy is gone.

So when Joice came for that press conference, people were expecting to see the real politician in her, the real deal that has liberation war credentials and they were expecting to see the leader ready to take Zanu-PF head on.

But they were disappointed, Joice the politician is still to be born. The motherly Joice came and as she spoke, there were whispers that even Morgan avakupera is still far much better as a politician than Joice.

Some maybe wondering why Joice the politician is still to be born but the answer is very simple. What do you expect when her personal assistant is Sylvester Nguni? Nguni is a good guy but a bad politician. Those from Mhondoro will confess that that guy was never and is still not a politician.

So there is Joice, the motherly figure and Nguni, the smart guy. As politicians, in Shona they say pasangana madera chaiwo.

Sorry dear reader, let's go back to my real issue. I said Joice didn't launch any political party. She launched nothing. Let me explain it from another angle.

American political scientist, Murray Elderman who is known for his research on symbolics and political psychology developed the concept of symbolic politics which now forms the bedrock for understanding political communication.

According to Elderman, all political actions and events are characterised by a division into an instrumental dimension, that is, a principal value — which represents the actual effect of a political action — and an expressive dimension, that is, a symbolic value — which represents the presentation of the action for the public.

He points out that political players subconsciously and based on their own roles produce a make-believe political world for the electorate using political symbols and rituals for and by the mass media.

Other scholars like Ulrich Sarcinelli assert that the "mediatisation" of politics, that is, the presentation and "packaging of politics tailored to the needs of the mass-media and in particular those of TV, is becoming increasingly important in presenting a politically capable leadership.

He says verbal symbols such as catch phrases and slogans; and non-verbal symbols like anthems and flags are used to announce the presence of a political entity.

Now those who are saying Joice launched a political party, can they tell us this party's colours, can they tell us this party's slogan, can they tell us what that party stands for, can they tell us anything they remember about that party except the fact that Joice is the leader?

Just like Baudrillard concluded about the 1991 Gulf war, that this was a media spectacle, I maintain that Joice launched nothing. She tried a media spectacle and it went horribly wrong for her.

The thinking was that by now the Joice buzz would be all over the place and Zimbabwe would "catch a fire" as Bob Marley would put it. But no, there is no buzz and I repeat for the umpteenth time, Joice did not launch anything.

Bishop is out!