I will be back in my job, Cdes!

MY Comrades, I still cannot believe that you did what you did to me! I still cannot believe that you betrayed me the way you all did.

This week I woke up to tell my wife that I had had a nightmare in which I suddenly was no longer President, the Head of State and Government as well as the Commander in Thief - sorry - Chief of the Zimbabwe Defence Forces and the whole country was ecstatic to see my back, only for her to tell me that it was not a bad dream that I had had, but the new reality that I have to live with… unless, I obviously do something to restore myself to my rightful position. That shows how hard it is still for me to accept that the people that I invited to my party and appointed to various posts turned around to betray me like this.

My heart is bleeding. I am inconsolable.

I know that I am very popular… the people still love me by their millions. They have not had enough of me. For their sake, I am seriously considering running either as an independent presidential candidate in next year's elections, or maybe as a leader of an opposition coalition. Having been betrayed in such a cruel way, I now have serious problems with trusting anyone, so the option to run as an independent candidate is more appealing.

I will win the elections with my trademark landslide. My only worry is that the elections may not be free and fair… they are likely to be rigged. I don't trust those people any more.

In 2008, after they had played the cruel "Bhora Mudondo" trick on me, I lost the elections to Morgan. And I offered to concede defeat and go into early retirement from politics.

But they stopped me… saying they could work out some magic that would result in the loser being the winner. And they did what they did over six long weeks resulting in those respectable official results that placed me closely second to Morgan, but without any clear winner. You all knew what they did in the run up to the resultant June 27 run-off poll. So I was back in the driving seat, although I could not get the country to move again. So we were stranded until we invited Morgan & Co to come on board.

I was very sure the reason that they did not want me to leave after a defeat to Morgan was that as this country's Founding Father, they wanted a dignified exit for me. Here I am today… the laughing stock of the whole world after the same people treated me like a criminal before dumping me into the dustbin of history. First they fired me from my own party.

Then they started the impeachment process, accusing me of all things that they could dream of. How ungrateful! Even some common criminals like this Chinotimba chap that I not only saved from sure jail but also upgraded from being a mere guard at council beer halls to become a somebody decided to thank me by insulting my wife.

I can't believe this! My anger is kindled. Although I am a Christian, I cannot leave it to the wrath of God… not on this one. I have to win back my power and teach some of you people a real lesson. It would have been better if I had left after losing to Morgan… it would have been confirmation to the world that I am the quintessential democrat that I have always been known as.

Not to end up being forced to sign my resignation letter with tanks pointing their guns on my house and crowds baying for my blood right inside the complex of my own Blue Roof palace! Is that why you stopped me from leaving when you made me lose in 2008?

So that you could embarrass me so thoroughly as you did? After that you went on to invite me to your inauguration ceremony so that I could be booed further by those totemless supporters of yours… even when you knew full well that being someone with grown up children, I would not have anyone to watch over my home in my absence.

Now you are arresting those Cdes of mine that remained loyal to me… accusing them of being corrupt, abuse of office and everything you can dream of.

Since when did corruption become a crime in this country? Since when did people start getting arrested for corruption? Aren't these the featherbeddings that attract otherwise good men and women into politics? Were it not for these lucrative opportunities presented by politics this way, how many of them would have joined politics and remained there for long?

This week you went ahead and dismissed most of those that stood by me from Parliament.

My heart is bleeding. I am inconsolable.

Dejected

Once Yours Truly

ME

. . . . AND NOW THE NOTE BOOK

Finally!
THAT change that the Zimbos have been crying for finally arrived last week after many had given up hope and home. That is how God works.

Whether this will be a change for the better or worse is yet to be seen, but so far indications are pointing in the right direction. Besides, the point that we had reached as a country was the bottom of the bottom, leaving us with only one direction to go… upward. It may be painfully slow, but we can never go beyond what we had already reached.

Speaking out
"FIRST they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out —

Because I was not a Socialist.

Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out —

Because I was not a Trade Unionist.

Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out —

Because I was not a Jew.

Then they came for me — and there was no one left to speak for me."

This is the most enduring quotation from Martin Niemöller (1892-1984), a prominent Protestant pastor who emerged as an outspoken public foe of Adolf Hitler and spent the last seven years of Nazi rule in concentration camps.

As Zimbabwe goes through what it is going through, with these reports of a brutal campaign that is being shared in hushed tones, we should all pray that we will not end up with another sad moment like the one that we had in the Midlands and Matabeleland regions shortly after independence.

Retribution does not solve anything. If anything, it just serves to further harden the hearts of the vanquished and plant in them a seed for future revenge and the circle goes round and round. If anything, it is this justified fear of retribution that results in members of dictatorships refusing to go even after losing power hands down.

What makes the current situation very sad is that people who are at each other's throats were tight members of the same close family until only a few weeks back. It leaves us to wonder if anyone of them ever had the country at heart in the first place or they have always been in it for their own selfish reasons.

If indeed it is true that the man who was behind it all and members of his immediate family were granted full immunity and maximum protection, then it is morally wrong for anyone to be seen targeting those errand boys. The immunity (for all mischief to November 21) should have covered everyone who committed it in the name of the previous owners of the country. Besides, the beneficiary of this immunity deal ― if indeed he is not a selfish and cruel individual as is said of him ― was supposed to insist on having blanket immunity for all as the primary condition for his surrender… not to think of himself only. That was cruel by half! Anyway, it is still not too late for Zimbos ― a people now highly regarded for their education ― to do the right thing. Honestly speaking, no one will benefit from these incidents that we are avoiding talking about. No even one!

GOOD, BUT!
THE new owners of the country announced a three month amnesty for individuals and corporates that externalised money and other assets when the situation in this country was uncertain. That is the civilised way to go. Instead of just starting by pouncing on them, these people need to be given a long rope first.

Meanwhile, Dr CZ has a few small favours to request… can something be done about the nauseating culture of bootlicking in this country? It is that culture that destroyed this country to this extent. People now substitute hard and honest work with bootlicking. Even some well-known criminals are joining the long and winding queue to get their chance on the throne to impress the new owners of the country in the hope of being allowed to continue with their nefarious activities.

Those who are the beneficiaries of this bootlicking jamboree should have learnt from the misfortune of their predecessors that all this frenzied activity is fake. The country can never be run on the basis of who has the widest throat to discharge the nosiest ululation. This is primitive, if one asks for Dr CZ's frank opinion! Also to go together with this culture of bootlicking is the habit of the owners of the country being seen off at the airport by hundreds of ruling party and government mandarins and also welcomed back by these multitudes when they return from these foreign junkets.

As a country that is already three decades behind in terms of development, we don't need to be reminded that already millions of man hours in productive time have been lost to this barren habit that only serves to make people feel important and nothing else.

How about a law banning any mention of where any public official comes from and their tribe? Is it not enough for a public official to be just a Zimbo just like Dr CZ and everybody else?

Do we have to personalise people who are supposed to be national leaders? This is another primitive tradition that we have to do away with as the most educated and civilised people on the African continent!

To complement the above acts of "self-denial" by the owners of the country, something should be done to make sure that ordinary citizens know when and where to drink beer, unlike what has been happening of late where people have just been drinking beer anytime and everywhere, some of them openly urinating all over Harare's central business district.

There is no excuse for this noisome habit. Do we have to be reminded that we have John Magufuli to beat? Do we?

Mboko!
TIME for relationship analysis. A putative coup happens. A president resigns. Major changes happen in government. But no one looks for Mphoko. No one talks about Mphoko. No one writes about Mphoko. No one notices that no one is talking about or looking for Mphoko. And yet he was made to think he mattered.

Funny or sad? Ya-ah, some relationships are like that. Take some time out to analyse who you are to the people around you. Otherwise you will spend your whole life thinking you are important and waste your time and energy giving your whole while to them you are just a Mphoko. It may be proper to add this "character-istic" to the dictionary. Be careful not to lose the moon while counting the stars. Refuse to be a Mboko!

Meanwhile
DR CZ is too pleased to notice that with the new political dispensation, Cde Dr Mahoso is back in The Sunday Mail. It is good. When things get hot, some patriots go into hibernation, only to resurface when it is relatively safe to do so. During the war, we used to call this strategy "strategic retreat".