Opinion / Columnist
Why do spouses cheat?
24 Aug 2013 at 07:04hrs | Views
INFIDELITY is a hot topic which when raised, not many are able to keep their heads up through the discussion. Things got too hot to handle this week when a Harare lawyer, author, family counsellor and pastor Davison Kanokanga took it upon himself to provoke thoughts on the issue.
With Wednesday's edition of the daily tabloid, H-Metro in hand, the man of the cloth boldly tackled some of the reasons he felt led to spouses cheating. In some instances, he gave real-life examples of prominent figures that have made headlines after being caught pants down.
Talk about having guts
"I'll set the record straight and clarify that not everyone is a cheat. I for one have been married for 24 years but have never cheated on my wife," he said.
The good pastor highlighted three types of affairs mainly one-night stands, entangled affairs where emotions are involved and sex addiction.
Reasons for affairs are as follows:
Willing takers: "Spouses cheat because there are people out there that are prepared to cheat with them."
Not fearing God: "A person can decide to cheat because they are at a place where they are not known.
"A person may decide to be unfaithful because they are in a dark cave in Mutoko while the spouse is in Bulawayo. He or she may not be seen by men but God can see everything because He is everywhere. If one is conscious of the presence of God then he or she would depart from evil. This involves fornication and adultery," he said.
Pastor Kanokanga made reference to verses in the Bible, Proverbs 3:7 while highlighting the problem of infidelity.
Lack of integrity and character: Moral uprightness includes being honourable at all times. One must walk the talk in public and in private.
Deception
Pastor Kanokanga highlighted that many people were also deceived into believing that stolen waters are sweeter and that food eaten in secret tastes better
"It is true what they say; variety is the spice of life but a person can have variety with the same person. Cheating is at times driven by people who look for variety in the form of what they do not have. If they are with a person of a darker complexion, they tend to believe that there is joy in people in with lighter complexion than their spouses," he said.
There are people who enjoy the thrill of cheating. These are adrenaline junkies are excited by the secrecy and risks that come with almost getting caught.
Unguarded heart
"A heart that is not guarded is a dangerous one because not all the desires of the flesh should be fulfilled," he said.
Dissatisfaction with relationship
Dissatisfaction with what one is getting from a relationship can lead him or her to go out in search of what they lack.
Way out
A person can also cheat as a way of looking for an exit point from a relationship or marriage.
"These people find ways to provoke their spouses into breaking it off with them or filing for divorce.
Sense of Entitlement
The society that we live in at times programmes us to believe that men are entitled to be promiscuous. Because of equal rights that are being enjoyed in this 21st century, some women also feel that what men can do also. Hence the cheating.
"If an upright person is surrounded by cheaters, he or she will end up feeling abnormal. To avoid being the odd one, they end up cheating too," he said.
Vulnerability
Vulnerability, however, comes out tops when it comes to reasons why people cheat, at least according to Pastor Kanokanga.
Vulnerability comes in different forms, such as:
Loneliness
There are a number of reasons that can lead a person to feeling lonely but the problem comes if he/she finds comfort in the wrong company.
Boredom
A generally uninteresting marriage or relationship can drive a person to cheat in search of fun and excitement.
Disappointment
Disappointment comes with pain and frustration at times. The moment where one searches comfort in the arms of other people, they make themselves vulnerable to cheating.
Complacency
One has to conquer his or her spouse's heart everyday and not take them for granted.
"Some people think marriage is a destination. They tend to relax and forget that their spouses interact with members of the opposite sex who are attractive," said Pastor Kanokanga.
Travelling
Habitual travellers are vulnerable especially if they stay longer in lodges, hotels or other areas that are conducive for affairs.
"Notorious long distance truck drivers have fallen prey because of their vulnerability. Putting up in a family set-up, however, reduces the chances of cheating," advised the pastor.
P*rnography
This era of modern technology has left many people spoilt for choice due to easy access of p*rnographic material.
Relationship problems
Problems come in different forms but at times failure to resolve them might drive a person to cheating.
Indecision
This normally affects people who are single and cannot seem to make up their mind on who they want to be with.
Vengeance
Some cheat as a way of getting back at their spouses but it should be remembered that two wrongs do not make a right.
"A person who cheats reflects a weak willpower so revenging puts one in the same boat with people of ill will," said Pastor Kanokanga.
Empty marriage
Longevity is not success when it comes to marriage. An empty marriage can draw people to cheating in an effort to save the face of their failed marriage.
In the heat of the moment, a person can be pressured to over-react upon discovering that a spouse is cheating. The pastor, however, gave a list of things to avoid when caught up in such a situation.
Do not kill
Killing yourself or a cheating spouse is not the answer. It is a selfish move that leaves the surviving loved ones disadvantaged.
"Killing yourself leaves the lovers to live happily ever after. Killing them can lead to you being convicted of murder," he said.
Do not tell the whole world
Tempting as it may be, avoid making emotional posts on social media platforms. Only confide in the people that matter.
Do not resort to drugs and alcohol;
Do not act emotionally;
Do not blame yourself;
Do not turn a blind eye;
This might be mistaken for condoning the act;
Do not opt for love portions.
With Wednesday's edition of the daily tabloid, H-Metro in hand, the man of the cloth boldly tackled some of the reasons he felt led to spouses cheating. In some instances, he gave real-life examples of prominent figures that have made headlines after being caught pants down.
Talk about having guts
"I'll set the record straight and clarify that not everyone is a cheat. I for one have been married for 24 years but have never cheated on my wife," he said.
The good pastor highlighted three types of affairs mainly one-night stands, entangled affairs where emotions are involved and sex addiction.
Reasons for affairs are as follows:
Willing takers: "Spouses cheat because there are people out there that are prepared to cheat with them."
Not fearing God: "A person can decide to cheat because they are at a place where they are not known.
"A person may decide to be unfaithful because they are in a dark cave in Mutoko while the spouse is in Bulawayo. He or she may not be seen by men but God can see everything because He is everywhere. If one is conscious of the presence of God then he or she would depart from evil. This involves fornication and adultery," he said.
Pastor Kanokanga made reference to verses in the Bible, Proverbs 3:7 while highlighting the problem of infidelity.
Lack of integrity and character: Moral uprightness includes being honourable at all times. One must walk the talk in public and in private.
Deception
Pastor Kanokanga highlighted that many people were also deceived into believing that stolen waters are sweeter and that food eaten in secret tastes better
"It is true what they say; variety is the spice of life but a person can have variety with the same person. Cheating is at times driven by people who look for variety in the form of what they do not have. If they are with a person of a darker complexion, they tend to believe that there is joy in people in with lighter complexion than their spouses," he said.
There are people who enjoy the thrill of cheating. These are adrenaline junkies are excited by the secrecy and risks that come with almost getting caught.
Unguarded heart
"A heart that is not guarded is a dangerous one because not all the desires of the flesh should be fulfilled," he said.
Dissatisfaction with relationship
Dissatisfaction with what one is getting from a relationship can lead him or her to go out in search of what they lack.
Way out
A person can also cheat as a way of looking for an exit point from a relationship or marriage.
"These people find ways to provoke their spouses into breaking it off with them or filing for divorce.
Sense of Entitlement
The society that we live in at times programmes us to believe that men are entitled to be promiscuous. Because of equal rights that are being enjoyed in this 21st century, some women also feel that what men can do also. Hence the cheating.
"If an upright person is surrounded by cheaters, he or she will end up feeling abnormal. To avoid being the odd one, they end up cheating too," he said.
Vulnerability
Vulnerability, however, comes out tops when it comes to reasons why people cheat, at least according to Pastor Kanokanga.
Vulnerability comes in different forms, such as:
Loneliness
There are a number of reasons that can lead a person to feeling lonely but the problem comes if he/she finds comfort in the wrong company.
Boredom
A generally uninteresting marriage or relationship can drive a person to cheat in search of fun and excitement.
Disappointment
Disappointment comes with pain and frustration at times. The moment where one searches comfort in the arms of other people, they make themselves vulnerable to cheating.
Complacency
One has to conquer his or her spouse's heart everyday and not take them for granted.
"Some people think marriage is a destination. They tend to relax and forget that their spouses interact with members of the opposite sex who are attractive," said Pastor Kanokanga.
Travelling
Habitual travellers are vulnerable especially if they stay longer in lodges, hotels or other areas that are conducive for affairs.
"Notorious long distance truck drivers have fallen prey because of their vulnerability. Putting up in a family set-up, however, reduces the chances of cheating," advised the pastor.
P*rnography
This era of modern technology has left many people spoilt for choice due to easy access of p*rnographic material.
Relationship problems
Problems come in different forms but at times failure to resolve them might drive a person to cheating.
Indecision
This normally affects people who are single and cannot seem to make up their mind on who they want to be with.
Vengeance
Some cheat as a way of getting back at their spouses but it should be remembered that two wrongs do not make a right.
"A person who cheats reflects a weak willpower so revenging puts one in the same boat with people of ill will," said Pastor Kanokanga.
Empty marriage
Longevity is not success when it comes to marriage. An empty marriage can draw people to cheating in an effort to save the face of their failed marriage.
In the heat of the moment, a person can be pressured to over-react upon discovering that a spouse is cheating. The pastor, however, gave a list of things to avoid when caught up in such a situation.
Do not kill
Killing yourself or a cheating spouse is not the answer. It is a selfish move that leaves the surviving loved ones disadvantaged.
"Killing yourself leaves the lovers to live happily ever after. Killing them can lead to you being convicted of murder," he said.
Do not tell the whole world
Tempting as it may be, avoid making emotional posts on social media platforms. Only confide in the people that matter.
Do not resort to drugs and alcohol;
Do not act emotionally;
Do not blame yourself;
Do not turn a blind eye;
This might be mistaken for condoning the act;
Do not opt for love portions.
Source - zimpapares
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