'My girl' is not mine!

HEARTBREAKS are one of the hardest phenomenons to deal with.

Like tangible pain you can almost feel its heaviness on you. It's an unexplainable pain that many ponder on how to deal with.

When is a dad not a dad? Please note that this is not a riddle or the beginning of a joke.

It is in fact, a real question that our column is based on this week. As I read the e-mail and put it together for this week's topic a lot of questions popped up in my head.

What defines a father, is it nature or is it nurture? Truth is I know the answer that many people will have to this question but at some point, as I was typing I took a different approach to this question maybe because I am not a man.

For every father, it is a nightmare, the shattering revelation that your child is not actually yours but the offspring of another man.

It's heartbreaking to lose someone who has been there since you were a teenager.

Someone described it to me as what people feel when someone goes missing, as opposed to someone dying. You need answers and you just can't get them. I do not know the way forward, after a heartbreak yet, if I find it I will let you all know. At least we all know we are not alone!

After a bitter, heated argument she confessed she conceived our last born baby girl with someone else, while we were married. She said she thought she was acting for the best, because she knew I would be happy about the pregnancy.

To cut the long story short, I decided to get a divorce.

I have been married to my high school sweetheart for 12 years and she was my all and all I did, I did it to make her happy. When we started dating she was always talking about settling down, and within a couple of years she found herself pregnant with our first child and coming from a Christian background I did right by her and married her before anyone knew she was pregnant.

I sacrificed to give her the wedding she wanted and through it all I was by her side. We never had serious problems, just normal ones like any normal couple and I do not remember failing to provide for my family so I can never understand why she cheated and had a child outside our marriage but made me believe it was my flesh and blood. It was a shock, I have to admit.

It turns out the girl I have been taking care of, protecting and loving for the past year is not mine. I have fed her, taken care of her when she was sick, held her hand when she cried at night and helped change her nappies. I can't just bundle away those memories and those feelings but I can't father a child that is not mine and was deceived into calling my own. The mother, my ex-wife cheated on me and conceived . . . I will not even get into detail about how and why it happened because I also do not know what happened. I am in so much pain and I can't stomach it, I know men are not supposed to cry, but everything is hurting, even my toenails, it hurts so much. Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. I know you have to let go at some point in order to move forward.

I found out through a WhatsApp message that "my girl" was not mine and it is hard to imagine two little sentences could bring your entire world crashing down, but they did just that and aimed straight for my heart. My jaw dropped open and I dropped my phone, as our daughter was climbing up my leg that very moment her expression was asking me to pick her up. I picked her up and held her as closely, as I could, and I cried.

I was in denial and did not know how to approach my ex-wife.

I battled with it for two days and when I finally had the courage to confront her she gave herself away and I had done a good research and had cornered the "father" into revealing the secret. Somehow I was hoping she would deny and just wake me up from my nightmare but when I told her all I knew she burst into tears and apologised.I know this sounds like an excerpt from a soapie but it happened to me and I too felt like an actor at the time, I did not believe it and I still cannot believe it, I just can't. I was hurt and empty and my heart sank.

The first three months after my divorce were the worst of my life. Up until that point, I was not sure I believed depression was a real thing. As I learned, it is indeed very real. I am going to step away from my story for a second to tell anyone facing depression to please get help as soon as possible.

It is real and it can be very dangerous. I felt abandoned, deceived, and utterly destroyed. Everywhere I went this little black cloud of despair followed me. I cried and sobbed all hours of the day. I even had a recurring nightmare, where I was driving with my daughter in the car and I would crash into a tree. My experience was horrific and no man should ever have to go through what I went through. Perhaps my story will give them the courage to make the right decisions, or perhaps it will give them the strength to carry on, whichever works better for them.

I know it is easier said than done but we can make something out of our heartbreaks and share our stories, email heartsonfire909@gmail.com and share your story. Till next week.