'Today's men are cowards'

I am a long-standing member of the stronger sex, I am petrified of snakes. It baffles me how those slithering legless creatures can move about, lift up their heads and strike. Not to mention their ability to carry poison in their bodies yet remain alive. To avoid detection, they swallow their prey, leaving no telltale sign of their presence. With such terrorists around, who needs to watch horror movies?

I was therefore amused last Wednesday when a friend declared: "It is the duty of the woman to pray and of the man to kill the snake." My wife gazed at me with a knowing smile. I frowned and quickly looked aside.

She must have been recalling that sunny afternoon years ago when we visited cousin James. My cousin bought a house in the suburbs. He took the men around proudly showing us the extensive yard. His wife took the ladies through the rooms. The children played games under trees. Suddenly all the children screamed and ran in different directions. My nephew fled towards the men shouting that they had spotted a fat snake.

All of the men sprinted to the safety of the house. James led the way. I was close behind. Look, I have already admitted that I am petrified of snakes and therefore need not justify my action. Inside the house, James tried to regain composure.

"Do not panic people," he said pacing and eyes wide open. "I know what to do. Yes, I do. Ya, I will phone the National Parks people and they will handle this. Leave these things to experts."

Calm as the sea on a windless day, James' wife fetched the broomstick and walked out of the house. She strode towards the snake and the men followed at a safe distance. Still calm, she clubbed the puff adder several times on the head.

We inched towards the dead snake but stopped about five metres away. "Honey," James said, "you should consult me before taking such reckless action. In this modern world, we have division of labour. Snakes are handled by the National Parks. Are you aware that puff adders are a protected species?"

"Are my children not a protected species?" She stared at her husband.

"Of course they are. That is why I was organising for the right people to . . ."

"We all know that those right people of yours would have taken forever to respond. You want us to be prisoners in the house while a poisonous snake roams the yard. Nxxx." Her eyes blazed with fury.

Our people advise that an outsider must not join in a family quarrel. I therefore, did not comment. Later though, when the men regrouped, I helped my cousin lick his wounds.

"You were right to try and involve National Parks. That is the law of the land where adders are concerned. Women!" I threw up my hands in exasperation.

From the time I was a kid, I have been involved in the battle of the sexes. I remember one evening we played under streetlights the game sicela umntwana (tinotsvaga mavonde). The boys put me forward to battle it out with a thin girl called Pelagia in a tug-of-war match. She tucked the hem of her dress into her pants and feet apart glared at me.

I looked at my challenger and laughed. "Even if I use half of my strength to pull, you will run towards me," I told her. The boys laughed and slapped my back as Pelagia and I locked hands. A line was drawn between us.

Pelagia was so strong that I could not move her an inch. To my horror, she even started pulling me. The girls danced and cheered. I suddenly loosened my grip on her hand. She staggered back and almost fell on her bottoms. Furious, Pelagia demanded a rematch. The boys accused the girls of making too much noise during the match. We argued that this disturbed the smooth-running of the game and refused to resume the contest.

A few days later, we heard a melodious song on the wireless. Pelagia claimed that the song referred to the abandoned tug-of-war contest. The song, Amadoda Anamhlanje Ngamagwala (Today's men are cowards) went on to be a hit. I do not remember which one of those girlie groups sang it but I clearly remember the lyrics. Loosely translated, they went: My people, what are you saying about this menace from thugs? Today's men are cowards/They run away from their own children/Men; wear dresses while we women, put on trousers/We then deal with this menace of thugs.

Pelagia and her friends slightly changed the words: Today's boys are cowards/They run away from rematches . . .

Dear reader, it pains me to recall what those girls sang. If you want to hear the rest of their lies, you will have to hunt Pelagia down. I am done.

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Mthimkhulu can be contacted at lizweliyaduma@gmail.com