Friendship ends over fridge

My problem is with my neighbour. We used to get on so well, we were the best of friends. I used to take things like water, meat and other foods to her house because I do not have a fridge.

Of late I noticed that each time I go there or send my child to collect things from the fridge zviri kuuya zvakatapudzwa.

To be honest with you this did not go well with me and I confronted my friend.

She blew up ndakaudzwa zvinogara zvakadaro. She said she was having problems with her hubby because he never approved of us using their fridge.

A few minutes later she took out all my things it was such a big loss, most of the things went off. Ever since that day we do not even greet each other and she now keeps her gate locked. I do not even know how to break the ice.

In all fairness I think I am the one who was wronged.

Mai Chisamba, what is your take on this one? I am so confused. Should I ask to speak to her or ndongosiyawo zvakadaro, she has blocked me on WhatsApp.

Maybe anga akufunga kuti ndiri kumushainira nekuendesa food stuff yakawanda kufridge kwake, I do not know. Please assist.

Response

Any kind of break up between people is very unfortunate; be they friends, spouses or other relatives. This would never be if people listened first before jumping to conclusions.

In your letter you show a lot of that, all these are just assumptions. When people get married and start their new life we encourage them to set their standards. They should try to be self-sufficient.

I cannot believe that we still have people who take their nyama and the likes to a neighbour's fridge – ndochiiko ichocho?

This is nothing but muyedzo chaiwo. What an inconvenience and what nonsense. If you cannot afford a fridge please just do without.

Your friend's husband was right, he saw it coming.

There are some people out there who have a habit of opening other people's fridges wherever they go checking kuti muneyi, how does one convince such people that hapana chake chirimo when your neighbour fills up your fridge.

How do you stop visitors and children from taking such food from the fridge? Can you not see the inconvenience and embarrassment it causes?

My advice is save and buy your own fridge.

Your issue is tricky because
it is hard to prove that some of the things had been used
unless a sealed pack had been opened.

I am sorry you feel offended but you caused it. In my opinion it is you who should go and apologise because you accused your friend of theft without proof.

She endured the insults from her husband and never told you because she did not want to hurt you. No wonder why she blew up when you asked her.

I am not ruling out nyaya yekutapudzwa kwezvinhu completely but it could have been other people other than your friend.

Please swallow your pride and talk to your neighbour, you need each other in fortunate and unfortunate times.

Muvakidzani ingoda inochengetedzwa. That attitude yekushaina nekuendesa zvinhu should stop forthwith.

I would be happy to hear the outcome of your so called problem. I wish you all the best.

***

Teenage son being forced to marry

I think I am a good vamwene, in most cases varoora cry foul but believe it or not some of them are a pain in the neck.

My eldest son did not do well in his A-Levels so we recommended that he studies from home. Late last year akatizirwawo neka school dropout who could not manage to get even one O-Level subject.

She is pregnant and she claims my son is responsible. My son is 19 and she is 18. What do I do with two teenagers?

We spoke to the girl's parents through munyai that they should accept their daughter back and then we pay whatever they ask for in damages.

We feel they both need to concentrate on school otherwise they will be a burden to us. We also suggested to do it culturally, that is, pay for masungiro but they say our son should pay lobola first as an assurance that their daughter has been accepted.

Our son says he does not love this girl at all. He had sex with her after two of his friends had told him that she was easy and they had done it with her too. He does not understand why she chose to elope to our house.

We are going to do DNA tests after the baby is born.

Ours is a three-bedroomed house, our two daughters share a bedroom and our two sons do likewise. The other one is the master bedroom. We have so far asked this girl to share with our daughters because we do not have the space and our son refuses to have anything to do with this girl.

My problem is munhu anomanikidzirwa kuroora here? Our son is not employed, so where do these guys think he will get the money from? Kasikana kacho kari mufast track and we are all fed up. She is disturbing our peace. Please help this situation is bothering us so much vamwe vabereki vakudzinga vana kuti vawane kwekunodya.

Response

Yes, they are both teenagers as you rightfully say but they are also both majors. They are people who can plan and do their own things without involving their parents.

People are individuals and should be treated as such. It is wrong to say varoora or madzimwene vakashata.

I found no reason why you called yourself a good mother in-law, I do not see anything extraordinary.

Your son's would be in-laws should understand that marriage is based on love and it is a lifelong commitment they should not impose it on anyone. The good thing is your son has come out in the open to say he does not love the girl he impregnated.

It is very unfortunate especially for the innocent baby on the way but its better because they can both move on and start life afresh. A marriage without love is worse than serving a life sentence in prison.

Your son should not use this girl's weakness against her to say he had sex with her because she is easy. He too is a guy of loose morals, how could he do such a thing?

I advise that you stop all this bitterness and work a way out for baby who may be a muzukuru to both families. Engage vana tete, mbuyas and sekurus. We have a very rich culture and this should be done amicably.

Why are the girl's parents refusing masungiro, that's part of the process? Why can they not take their daughter back and let things be worked out? Forcing her to remain at your house will not change anything.

You are crying about accommodation because this girl is unwanted, dai maimuda maigadzira nzvimbo yekugara inokodzera.

If your son is not employed then you step in and pay for him; akapara mhosva – that is what African parents do.

It does not help to despise the girl's family at this juncture.

My other piece of advice is when dealing with kids let us not take the extreme route because they change their minds overnight motoona vodananazve.

I do not blame you for suggesting that other parents push their children out for food and other benefits especially when they are not cooperative. To the girl's parents I plead please take back your daughter whilst things are being sorted out.

Her life and welfare are better than any amount of money, nhamo inhamo zvayo amai havaroodzwe. She made a mistake but she remains your dear daughter, she needs your support in these trying times. Use the traditional structures, the issue will be resolved. I wish you all the best.

***

Muroora dumped child on me

I am married and happy I must say. My husband is 49 and I am 47. We have two children, a son who recently got married and a daughter at university. We are professionals and both gainfully employed.

My son and muroora were blessed with a son so tave sekuru nambuya. We get on well with my muroora. Early January she asked me to stay with their baby son because they wanted to wean him from breast milk.

I had no problem with that, although, it was not easy because airamba zvakawanda to begin with; long nights achichema.

My problem now is they come to see the baby, bring him food and clothing, and leave him. I thought by now they will have taken the child. They seem so comfortable with this arrangement.

We love our muzukuru so much but I feel the parents have a duty to bring him up the way they want.

Ndakavhunduka when their maid told me that she had been fired and will be going to her rural home end of March and the reason is mwana akugara kwagogo. This is not fair for us and our maid.

Please help, how do I handle this without being misunderstood?

Response

Thank you for being such caring grandparents. Life is about calling a spade a spade. The arrangement between you was temporary and was just to assist during the weaning period they should not take advantage of you.

You have done well to help during this time, you sacrificed your sleep time but you did it for dear muzukuru.

My advice is musadye huroyi nekunyara, call muroora and son and tell them to now take the baby. Everyone enjoys living and bonding with their parents. Baby can come once a month or so to visit. Please do not expose the maid, this may be misinterpreted.

I do not think she told you this out of malice. I always say the world would be a better place if everyone told the truth so many relationships would be saved. People say yes when they mean no. If you get straight to the point you will be understood and your relationship will remain intact.

Keep up the good work you are a perfect example of vamwene chaivoivo.

Write to: maichisamba@fbnet.co.zw or WhatsApp 0771415747