Single women after 60 years never date again: Advice from Philosopher C.G. Jung

Congratulations on the new season, dear readers. I spent my holiday reading; I came across the works of Swiss philosopher Carl Gustav Jung. One of his works I would like to share with sisters of my age, considering remarriage after sixty years of age. Remember, Jung is a man giving advice to women; so he is talking about his experience as a psychoanalyst, an academic career that made him immensely famous globally. His works are in English too; whoever wants to read more about his works can easily find him on Google.

Jung's psychoanalytical works are timeless, not specific to Swiss and European societies alone. They resonate with most global societies and remain relevant to date.

A woman who married about twenty or forty years ago - whether divorced, widowed, or a single mother - a woman who has been in the middle of family and marriage storms, some of which are painful and beyond common sense; just name it. Looking after the family, seeing her children grow up, sending them to school, some offspring graduating and having families of their own.

Her chores are still connected to her maiden home. She is the daughter who held the hand of her mother at her deathbed. She is the one who organised daddy's medications, his care in care homes until burial arrangements. She will listen to her siblings' problems and advise as expected.

Pressure from society will come in and advise you to think again, fill the gap: you are lonely, you need a mate to talk to; you need someone to take a holiday with to faraway places. It's time to enjoy your life now that you have no obligations. You need a man who will fix broken things in the home. The list is long on what remarriage can do to complement a lonely oldie. Enjoyment and good standing in life is defined by having a male partner. It is for this reason women will want to get married - to remove the stigma of being alone, especially in family gatherings, weddings, funerals, and so forth.

You were a mother, now a grandmother or great‑grandmother. Now you find yourself alone. Instead of sighing with relief and saying, at long last I have made it; this is the time for me now and me alone - but no. Women need a permanent load because the life of struggle defines them. This thought is not specific to African women; even in developed societies it is the same. Some women want to feel useful most of the time if they look after someone - a partner in this case: perpetual mothering.

It all begins with language use: you have a boyfriend. This term "boyfriend" is illusionary to oldies because their hormones begin to get excited about having a boyfriend. The language "boyfriend" evokes great excitement in teenagers still bubbling with hormones to connect with the male gender - rightly so. However, it is not the language of an oldie over sixty years. But this is the beginning of illusion.

Physical satisfaction is another illusion. Women forget themselves if the intimate aspect works for them after a long absence. Women go for less; they date downwards. A new husband without resources is hard to please. He drains the resources of the new spouse deliberately, knowing how much the new wife values togetherness. If the physical connection is good and appreciated, she will cope with rudeness and constant unkind comments.

The undercurrent of inferiority complex - the man feels less in the partnership. It becomes unbearable and deeply frustrating. In African societies, relatives are invited to calm the storms, and they will counsel in favour of the husband, not the wife. It is entrenched in African traditions that a woman must cope with hardships, not the man. Honestly, is it necessary at the age of 65 or 70 to stomach such harsh conditions at a time you need peace and tranquillity?

It is decades of conditioning of girl‑children to womanhood. The newly wedded wife will cook for the man because she has been cooking her whole womanhood; will wash and clean the home. She becomes a maid - a cheap maid - but not rewarded because her housework is taken for granted. When the new husband falls sick, she becomes a nurse automatically. She will nurse his mood swings related to illness; feed him, change diapers if necessary.

The cooking must be as good as the cooking done by his late or divorced wife. If not, she will be compared to his ex‑wife: complaints about standards that have fallen. A German new husband will comment: "Bei meiner damaligen oder gestorbenen Frau war alles anders, sie hat immer gut gekocht." Translated: "My dead or divorced wife cooked better than you." Such comparisons bring anxiety. It is the woman who must change 180 degrees to fit in. She is groomed to conform in the new marriage using degrading statements.

The newly wedded husband will tell the new wife to relinquish her bank account and make a combined one. Many women have made this grave mistake. The woman will have accumulated lots of money - inheritance from a dead husband or pension funds. In no time, the money will be wiped off without her knowledge. Her entire inheritance is in danger of being taken over by the new husband and not her children and grandchildren. If the new husband dies, the wife is compelled to pay off his arrears.

Some men will research a new relationship thoroughly: has she got money? Some men, not all, are in serious arrears. He will start asking for money: please honey, lend me some money to square up my monthly bills. Next month, the same story. The unsuspecting woman tries to be compassionate; assists until her resources are deeply depleted.

There are cases where a newly wedded wife is told to sell her home and bring the money to a combined account. There is no need for two homes, he says. She forgets she has a family that should benefit - not a strange man who has just occupied her space. The gentle pressure to condition a woman to revolve around him and not her children is great. Women like validation and will say yes even when they want to say no.

As time moves on, remarried women slowly remove themselves from their own children to please the spouse who is subtly jealous of her grown children, grandchildren, and great‑grandchildren. When the children notice their mother withdrawing emotionally, they take a step back too. It rarely ends well. A good mother should never abandon her children for a new husband.

Emotions blind many red flags. If entering a new relationship is well thought through, it can be good. This article is not a blanket assessment of everything going wrong in late marriages.

Women must know that above sixty, the market for men is not the best. Even a widower is problematic; a divorced man is the worst choice — the garbage he brings could be heartbreaking. The targeted women are mostly resourceful. But even resourced men who remarry demand the same expectations that failed their first marriages.

Most men do not compromise in marriage but expect women to conform to their way of life. The woman must run his schedules and becomes his secretary.

There are two big red flags: internet dating and matchmaking. Jung's philosophy predates the internet; one wonders what he would say about shopping for a man online. Criminals and violent men seek partners on the internet. African women fall prey - especially when the men are white and from Europe. There is a saying in Germany: "Ein Deutscher Mann, reicher Mann!" meaning "A German man is a rich man!" Rich Germans don't date online.

Trying to escape poverty, women find themselves in another quagmire - a violent man. Again, not all white men who marry African women are criminals. This is not a blanket critique of biracial marriages. The emphasis is the danger of internet dating and matchmaking with men who have criminal records.

Women after 60 must learn to live a qualitative life on their own. There is a lot to do in our single lives. Living alone means independence. You cook what you want. You have no obligation to please. Women must learn to go to restaurants alone, order what they want without guilt. Women must learn to go on holidays alone; it is cheaper than travelling with a man without resources.

Women must know that twilight years require consideration for their children, not chaos from an ungrateful new husband. There is no need to become a maid, nurse, and secretary in your later years. You command dignity when you show self‑respect.

The dating pool is full of unworthy men - alcoholics, gamblers, scammers and aggressive personalities. Widowers are few but not without risk. Men who have never married are often looking for a nurse for their old age.

Women must identify red flags. Women must choose themselves.