Do not to marry into certain families

I will advise my children not to marry into certain families, even if the person they are marrying looks just fine. 

Some battles are too much, and they go on for too long. They are not worth it.

Saying, "I'm marrying you, not your family," is romantic, but it is not always realistic. People are part of systems, and marriage often connects two family systems, whether the couple likes it or not.

Not everyone knows how to leave their father and mother so that they can cleave to their spouse.

And some families will continue injecting toxicity into your marriage even when you have established healthy boundaries.

There are families that exist in so much chaos that marrying into them feels like signing up for war.

A war of attrition. One that will only end when people die.

I don't wish that for my children.

Some families are deeply entangled in witchcraft and the underworld, which are often weapons for expressing envy, fear and control.

Some families come from polygamous backgrounds and have been locked in generational wars over resources, inheritance and recognition. The roots of their hatred go so deep that resolving them may take more than one generation.

Some families have lived in dysfunction for so long that they consider it normal. Alcoholism, chronic financial instability, manipulation and years of unresolved conflict.

Then someone emerges from that environment, works hard and becomes successful.

But instead of celebrating the person, the family begins to see the spouse as the supplanter. The one who took away their golden child. The one who has supposedly stolen their access, influence or fortune.

And suddenly, you become the target of their resentment.

Sometimes the red flag is not the person you are marrying but the family standing behind them.

Are we expecting perfection or judging people for things beyond their control?

No.

We are saying that when choosing where to build your home and your future, be discerning and even a little selfish. Look for peaceful ground.

And do not overestimate the power of love to overcome everything.

Love cannot automatically resolve deep-seated family dysfunction. It cannot force someone to establish boundaries they do not believe are necessary. It cannot make an adult stop seeking approval from a controlling parent.

There is no perfect family, but you need a partner who understands where they are coming from and has done enough to protect their own household from the destructive patterns of their background.

If you notice, for example, that the father controls everything and everyone in that home, and your fiancé does not see anything wrong with that or acts helpless in his presence, just leave.

You may be marrying someone who will never be able to make independent decisions when the family disagrees with you.

If all the women in that home are silenced and subdued, not allowed to work, grow or express themselves, and your fiancé agrees with that arrangement, understand that they will expect you to behave the same way.

Or they won't defend you when that system attacks you.

Do not assume that you will be the exception.

Do not assume that marriage will suddenly make your partner courageous.

Do not assume that the same person who has never challenged their family for thirty years will begin doing so simply because you have arrived.

You must look at what your partner has already demonstrated.

Can they disagree with their relatives without punishing you afterward?

In short, toxic environments are extremely powerful, and it takes a will of steel to overcome them. If someone is merely cool and polite while coming from a chaotic family, they will drag you into that chaos since they have never learned to separate themselves from it.

So no, we're not to judge someone solely by their family's history. We're to judge their awareness, their choices, their boundaries and their willingness to build something different.

A person can come from a dysfunctional home and become an excellent spouse. In fact, some people become deeply intentional about creating the kind of family they never had.

That said, be careful with people who are just peaceful and calm while surrounded by a family in constant war.

Ignorance is not a defense, and if you join them, you'll be fighting alone because they don't even acknowledge the problem.

Love matters. But so does the environment in which you and your love must survive.

Choose a partner with whom you can build a home, not endure a lifetime battlefield.